So if you have clicked on this site because you want to be a “big twitter account” and influencer, I’m convinced I can give you the equation.

The problem is that if you understand the game, have strong opinions that are not popular opinions, are a logical and critical thinker or want to tweet about social/political/religious subjects, becoming a big account is likely beyond you. However, if you are none of these things, I’ll try to give you a lift.

Step one is very simple and almost fool proof. Follow thousands of other Arsenal twitter accounts. And I mean thousands, 20,000 or so as quickly as possible, usually 50% of these accounts will follow you back. Now don’t worry about the ridiculous amount of tweets on your time line, you don’t have to read them and you can gradually unfollow them as the months go by and thin them right down so latter on it looks like you have a great ratio of follows to followers. This is an important status symbol latter on.

Step 2. Is to either keep a list or have a separate account that follows all the other big accounts , the ITK and all the sports journalists that tweet about Arsenal. You will need these accounts so you can repeat what they are saying to give the impression that you are across everything. Don’t forget to rewrite the tweets slightly so you can deny tweet theft. Make sure you go in hard with any transfer speculation, no matter how unlikely, or even if you’ve just made it up, a good tip is to put these in quotation marks, then you can say it was someone else that said it. Also post pictures of world class players with “bring him to the carpet” or something similar, maybe along the lines of “Messi, Yes or no?”

Step 3. There will always be someone doing a twitter poll on just about everything, keep an eye on these and never ever ever tweet against popular opinion. If opinion is split, stay away from the subject until it’s clear which way the tide is flowing.

Step 4. Always be positive about “the club”. You can tear into unpopular players and the owners, in fact this will help, but be positive about “the club”. Don’t worry that you haven’t a clue what “the club” consists of because neither do the idiots that will follow you.

Step 5. Never be critical of any of the fans. Probably the only exception to this rule is if any fans have racially abused a player, but be careful even then as you are straying into dangerous waters that could lose you more followers than you gain.

Step 6. Always post a tweet celebrating the birthdays and the anniversary of the day that Henry, Bergkamp , Vieira and Pires signed with a comment about them being the greatest whatever position they played in or being the greatest PL player ever. Don’t forget Tony Adams and call him “Mr. Arsenal”, that always goes down well. Never forget to include pictures.

Step 7. Do not be critical of an Arsenal legend, no matter how stupid they have been about the club or current players.

Step 8. Taunt other clubs mercilessly. Obviously Spurs should be your main target, their trophy cabinet is a banker and if you can squeeze our Gold PL trophy all the better.

Step 9. Ignore any people that know what you are up to. Under no circumstances get into a debate/argument with these people, they will be a lot smarter than you and expose you as a fraud. There is no need anyway because loads of your idiot followers will jump to your defence.

Step 10. Your avatar. Keep it simple, the club badge or a photo of a club legend.

Step 11. Do not comment on any social, political or religious goings on. Make every single tweet about Arsenal.

So that’s about it. Follow these rules and in a year or two you will have 50k+ followers and can feel very good about yourself without actually thinking or having a worthwhile opinion about anything. If you don’t believe me, skip through the time line of a big account.

Good luck.

Pedantic George,