Arsenal Players and Management – Analysed !

arse squad

Well, it’s a new year and I think that’s a good time to look at the squad and management. So let’s analyse them individually through my expert eyes.

Petr Čech

A Chelsea back up player that showed us all we need to know when he threw in two during our first league game against West Ham. In the twilight of his career but I suppose he is better than the alternatives.

Davis Ospina

The less said about this dwarf keeper the better. I mean, he can’t even catch a ball and nearly saw us out of the Champion’s League.

Mathieu Debuchy

That he was still playing for Newcastle at 29 years of age says it all. Now he can’t even get a place on the substitutes bench. He won’t fight for his place because he is weak minded.

Laurent Koscielny

Was plucked from obscurity when we should have been buying Samba. Turns his back on driven balls and has a horrible habit of going to ground in the box, a penalty waiting to happen in every game.

Kieran Gibbs 

When he is ever fit to play his positioning is useless. He can run quite fast but offers little when he gets to where he is running. Only makes the squad because of the home grown rule.

Nacho Monreal

Yet another bargain basement buy. He is a liability. Poor defender by any measure. Worst of all he looks like Peter Crouch.

Per Mertesacker

This guy has the turning circle of a battleship. He is six foot five and can hardly get off the ground, midgets beat him in the air. Quite assured on the ball when he eventually passes it, after allowing the opponents to get back into shape.

Calum Chambers

Honestly, I don’t even know what this kid is supposed to be. We have tried him at right back, centre half and defensive midfield and he has failed to impress anywhere. £16 million down the drain? I ask you.


Another cheap option. Total madman,he couldn’t even see what Costa was up to! Reasonable back up but no more. You get what you pay for, I suppose.

Hector Bellerin

This lad looks like a prospect, but no way should he be learning on the job at our great club. Barca didn’t want him so that perhaps should tell us what we need to know. Not big enough to defend his post. Still, he is lightning fast and might make a good winger some day.

Tomáš Rosický

This ageing perma-crock has played about 10 games in 10 years. Never big and powerful enough to be a proper player in the Premier League. Good on the ball but nothing at the end of if. Runs about like a senile terrier chasing a tennis ball. His days are long gone. Deadwood if ever I saw it.

Aaron Ramsey

The most over-rated player at the club (and that’s saying quite something ). Loses the ball all over the pitch. Obsessed with scoring, the greedy  git. No defensive discipline at all. Vacates the midfield in search of glory. He isn’t even English. Should have been sold into the Championship where he belongs.

Mikel Arteta

Lol. I mean, just lol. He came to us when already past his best, as a replacement for the sensational Cesc Fàbregas, I mean, just as if! !??!! What legs he ever had have gone and he just passes backwards. Captain? He couldn’t lead a dog on a walk. We need a leader of men, not a leader of the conga at an old folks home.

Santiago “Santi” Cazorla González

Moved into midfield because he couldn’t cut it on the wing, where he was bought to play. How can a midget play centre-mid in this league? I suppose we can say he has two good feet, but we need power and pace in midfield and he offers neither.

Jack Wilshere

This lad looked good 6 years ago, but it turns out he is made of glass. Some good close control but just runs into blind alleyways. No longer sure what his best position is, but it should be at another club as we can’t depend on him being fit. Popular with fans because he is a local lad, but is that enough?

Mathieu Flamini

Left us when we needed him and came back when no one wanted him. He was free for a reason. Technically woeful. All he can do is shout and point. A red card waiting to happen too. Never good enough. The rich bastard.

Mesut Özil

Lazy overpriced Muslim flop. Floats about the field like he is out for a jog. Doesn’t think a player like him should track back. Proper big time Charlie, just because his team mates won the World Cup for him. OK, he gets some assists, but he is a passenger the rest of the time. To think we once had Cesc and now we have him. Its disgusting.

Francis Coquelin

Called back in an emergency after several loan spells where he had failed to impress anyone. Very limited player . OK as a back up. We need an upgrade in this position that has been neglected for 10 years. With money in the bank we should be buying a beast, instead we have to put up with a player we were trying to push out of the door.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain

Five years since Southampton fleeced us and he has not improved a jot ! He plays out wide and gives us no end product. Spends most of his time looking down at his boots. No goals, no assists, no anything apart from a winning smile.

Olivier Giroud

He is a lamppost. The worst striker to ever lead the line for Arsenal. He is a big lump with the pain threshold of a toddler. Absolutely no pace, when he can be bothered running that is. His flicks lead to a goal once in a blue moon and somehow people think this is OK. Perhaps fans are as infatuated by his good looks as he clearly is? After Wright, Henry, and the wonderful RVP we are stuck with this. Its not right. It just isn’t!

Danny Welbeck

Does he even still play for us any more? A United cast off. No end product.Can play centre forward or on the wing, but when I say “play”?? You know.  If he ever does play again he will offer little.

Theo Walcott

We have been paying him massive wages for almost 10 years now, and for what? He can run fast, but we pay him to play football. After 10 years of doing nothing on the wing he has been shunted to centre forward because everyone else is crap. Goes totally absent for almost all of our games and can only score if he hasn’t got time to shit himself.

Joel Campbell

Yet another one that was half way out of the door before we negligently left ourselves short following another useless transfer window. He will never be good enough. Works hard it has to be said.


He is God. The best player since Henry. He is everything a professional player should be. Wonderful beautiful glorious man.  Runs endlessly, tracks back and scores for fun.

Arsène Wenger

Useless at tactics, outdated training methods, stealing £8 million a year. He puts faith in players we all know cant string two games together. Happy with his 4th place ‘trophy’, and he is French. What more can I say WEGNER OUT.

Steve Bould

Nothing more than a yes man for the great dictator. He is allowed to do nothing more than put out the cones.

Stan Kroenke

An owner with no interest in football. Has bought 70% of the club so he can steal money under the pretence of one of his companies doing some imaginary work. Gives the manager free reign to run the club like a holiday camp as long as he gets the Champions League jackpot money.

Ivan Gazidis

Just a spin doctor. Promised us we would like Bayern Munich and we are not. He lied to us.




Now at  this point I feel its only fair to say I’ve never actually seen any of these players play the game. All my insight comes from reading twitter, blogs and listening to podcasts. I am surprised though that given what I’m lead to believe, Arsenal have won back to back FA cups and currently sit on top of the hardest league in the world.



Comment navigation

Newer Comments →

99 comments on “Arsenal Players and Management – Analysed !

  1. Congrates on a fail safe post. Appreciated by all who claim to be arsenal supporters, those getting the clue and those sniffing the glue.


  2. Where’s the 51st comment?


  3. Nice Santi link, PG. Ta.


  4. Sometimes it is necessary to blow our own trumpet especially for those of us old-timers who got into endless scraps with WOBs at ACLF who decided that somehow one of the greatest manager in Arsenal’s history was past it because we hadn’t win a trophy 7-8 years. Remember how they carried on about Klopp as a potential manager with his modern methods especially the new fandangled counter-pressing. The hipsters even gave it an esoteric name, “gegenpressing”. Many of us were ridiculed for pointing out that this was unsustainable in the Hurly-burly of the Premier League without a mid-season break. Not surprising to us after the initial fizz and pop with a new manager players are falling down left, right and center under Kloppies new, modern regime. No less a person than Sammus Allerdici had the gall to observe that the emperor had no clothes. According to the Guardian:
    “Klopp refused to be drawn into a tit-for-tat row with Sam Allardyce over the Sunderland manager’s claim that the high-intensity pressing game demanded by the former Borussia Dortmund coach is responsible for the glut of injuries. “I’m just glad a manager of his experience has time to talk about Liverpool’s problems,” he retorted.”
    Ha, Ha, Ha!


  5. more of the moving goalposts



    Arsène Wenger has revealed the latest team news ahead of Saturday’s FA Cup third-round tie against Sunderland:

    on the latest team news…
    The team news is that, from last week, we have no big injuries, and the squad will be similar to the squad who played the last game against Newcastle. Will a young player or two start? I haven’t decided yet.

    on Alexis…
    The bad news of the week is that Alexis is not quite ready. It is a precaution because of his hamstring, and it takes a few more days. He’s not bad but he’s not ready.

    on Santi Cazorla…
    Nothing’s changed [from the original timescale] with Santi. It could be a bit shorter with him because he’s often quicker [to recover] than you expect him to be. Cazorla and Coquelin are doing well.

    on Rosicky and Arteta…
    Tomas Rosicky is not far, he’s back in full training next week, so should be available soon. Mikel is available.

    on the possibility of resting players…
    The thinking is to give absolutely everything to qualify. We are the holders of the cup and I know as well by experience that it is very important that you get in the competition and that you have a successful third round. It’s a tricky one, always, the third round.

    Copyright 2016 The Arsenal Football Club plc. Permission to use quotations from this article is granted subject to appropriate credit being given to http://www.arsenal.com as the source

    Read more at http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/20160107/58176/team-news-arteta-alexis-and-rosicky#JSFcZQJYSG4LAoGG.99


  7. afcstuff ‏@afcstuff 3h3 hours ago
    Arsenal legend Freddie Ljungberg has confirmed he will return to the club to coach the Arsenal U15s. #afc

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bring back Kolo?

    “Toure is simply a solid, dependable, no-nonsense centre-back, who gets the job done with the minimum of fuss, and when he’s fully fit, he’s a real asset to the team. The Ivorian’s stats for the game show his personal impact:

    * Tackles Won: 100% (Granted, he only made one, but it was successful!)

    * Clearances/Interceptions: 19 (Significantly more than anyone else, and way above the team average for the season).

    * Aerial duels: Won 4

    * Loss of possession: 0

    Toure’s passing accuracy was only 60%, but that’s mainly due to his clearances, where, more often than not, he just thumped the ball out of the danger area (nothing wrong with that!)”.

    Will Kolo play against the Arsenal?

    Is Klopp a flop?


  9. If fit, Kolo has to play against AFC because he’s the only proper centre-back they have left, with Sakho, Skrtel and Lovren all out injured. He will have to play against Exeter too, I would guess. Whether or not he’s still up to playing against a team with our pace remains to be seen.


  10. I’m glad that Alexis isn’t being rushed back. We can win these games without him. If necessary, give him the last half hour against Liverpool.
    Anyone who saw the Stoke-Liverpool game mid-week will know we are much better than both of them.


  11. He is a better footballer than the nutcase Sakho – not as quick as he was but intelligent

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Does Pires also have an official training role at the club, or is he just hanging out with his pal Thierry?


  13. I would be quite happy if Sanchez sits out Saturday and Wednesday and a kicking at the Britannnia is perhaps not the best welcome back a player can receive.

    Those blue bastards though on the 24th

    He better be back and fuelled for take off then

    Liked by 1 person

  14. dkg, Pires does not take any youth team training sessions, but he is a regular at first team training. I’m not sure if Pires is doing or has done his coaching badges.


  15. Shotts – do you think that the Liverpool players injury problems may be because they are not fit enough to play the style of football that Klopp has in mind ?

    If a new coach comes in and, apparently as Jurgen has done, turns the physical demand up a notch on players who are not used to it then my guess is that you will have a few breakdowns.

    I like Klopp, unlike almost every coach and manager he has insight into his own absurdity. I also think he turned outa hell of a fine football team in Dortmund.

    I am not yet ready for ” Klopp flop causes Kop Strop ” headlines *

    * apologies for those who recall the first time I used that line


  16. Andrew, no less an authority than Sam Allardyce (soon to be the new manager of Real Madrid) thinks that Klopp’s methods don’t fit an English Xmas/New Year schedule. I thought Klopp’s response was very funny. I also have a soft spot for him – he’s a wysiwyg manager and comes across as warm and honest (when he’s not furious).


  17. eduardo: re. Pires – thanks. He always seems to be hanging around the place.
    All we need now is Dennis to join.


  18. I think it would be a good idea if Alexis got some minutes on the pitch before the blue bastards.


  19. Alarmingly Fat Sam has said sorry to Jurgen and blamed Fat Alan (Brazil) for lobbing him a sneaky grenade

    Mon dieu !


  20. I know there is a sort of accepted format that if you are a manager and you are asked a question at the presser or live interview by the meeja you have to answer it.

    So if Allerdici gets a story on Jurgen or LVG on Pelligrini or Pulis on etc …

    I am not entirely convinced – leave it – show a spot of professional respect and decline to answer the question


  21. Anicoll5 @11.12pm

    A La Wenger.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Just wondered in Diffords polemical and irrational article,that if Arsenal shouldnt win the title, and City, The Chickens, the,Foxes or Manure take it, does the Difford rational exist to those teams? No of course not.
    Regardless of Diffords bizarre analysis, AFC dont seem to be playing crap sides to me,every side seem to want to fight to the end as Newcastle proved last week,like and each and every has this season.
    Whether Difford likes it or not, AFC clocked in the calendar year as the best team.Not CFC or MCFC etc. So what does that mean, that the end of last season CFC and MCFC were shite?
    But this is the mentality of the Wob and the others, whatever we win it gets put down as being nothing.
    I know, dont read divvy football articles that speculate on the future.Im surprised the Huffington Post knows what football is, I thought they might think football is actually some obscure recipe for cooking animals that didnt ask to be cooked after ones Yoga lessons.Oh yah!
    What a fackin dumb world we live in?

    Liked by 2 people


    Read extra quotes from Arsène Wenger’s press conference ahead of the Sunderland game. For more headlines, visit our Digest page.

    on Mohamed Elneny…
    It is complicated a little bit but we are working hard on it and hopefully in the next two or three days we will get to the end of it.

    on Mathieu Debuchy…
    He has an opportunity to go but he as well has not been in touch with any club.

    on Troy Deeney link and Ox to Chelsea rumour…
    Yes [it’s not true].

    on whether Elneny will be the only signing…
    The only one? I don’t rule out anyone else, but he will be at least one signing that comes into an area where we are short at the moment.
    on whether Guardiola’s ‘three-year blocks’ suit Arsenal…
    Anything is suitable. Every manager has his own way to run and model his career. There’s not only one way as long as they give their best to the club where they are. What I think is most important is that anybody who works for a football club gives full commitment. How long does it last? Nobody knows. I didn’t plan to stay here for 20 years.

    on Guardiola being the right man for Arsenal…
    I’m very pleased that you care about our club and my succession but it’s not my job to talk about that and not your job to make this decision. I can only make sure of one thing, that the guy who comes after me finds the club in a very strong position with very good players in a very good, strong financial situation. I hope I can convince you that I can do that.

    on Serge Gnabry’s situation…
    He’s on loan at West Brom, a year-long loan.

    on if the loan will be cut short…
    We have a commitment. The player wanted to go there. We have a commitment with West Brom. If they want to cancel the loan, they have to contact us and speak about it. But at the moment, we are not there.

    on Arsenal being top of the league without Alexis…
    You compensate for the absence of quality players with different styles. Sometimes with more physical commitment, more solidarity, because you’re conscious that you have less individual potential to change the games. We can make up for it but in the long term it’s always better that you have all your players available.

    Copyright 2016 The Arsenal Football Club plc. Permission to use quotations from this article is granted subject to appropriate credit being given to http://www.arsenal.com as the source

    Read more at http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/20160108/wenger-on-elneny-gnabry-debuchy#5wDzWOhqq3gcdTX5.99


  24. James Olley ‏@JamesOlley 2h2 hours ago
    At Colney: Wenger: “Arteta is available – he played 45 minutes on Tuesday. Sanchez is a bit short for tomorrow but he is not far.”

    Wenger says Sanchez will not be ready to face Liverpool but could be available for Stoke next weekend.

    Mark Bryans ‏@MarkyBryans 2h2 hours ago East, England
    Wenger puts three-week time-frame on a return for Danny Welbeck. Sanchez & Rosicky “not far”


  25. now that arsene has comfirmed the arrival of elneny, i expect the media to change tune again and tell us he’s not a top class quality a team that aspire to win the title needs. wenger just enjoy making mockery of everyone in the media.


  26. A5 – I just couldn’t resist having a dig at those who think Wenger is some old neanderthal who should have long been led out in a wheelchair and replaced by the likes of Klopp. Far from joining the anti-Klopp bandwagon now being formed by the very people who who showered him with adulation on his arrival at Liverpool, I think he needs at least one year to turnaround that listing battleship just as he did at Dortmund. As Pochettino has proved at Spurs you can easily transform a young under performing squad into serious competitors. In Poch’s case he has someone who can consistently scores goals. That makes the difference.


  27. layksite they are already telling us that Elnenny is not top class, Paul Merson said he can’t be good enough cos he is not in the £30M bracket.


  28. remember when the AAA/WOB told us that AFC had higher wage bill than CFC

    Martyn Ziegler ‏@martynziegler 2h2 hours ago
    Chelsea return as Premier League’s biggest payers: £215m, Man Utd £203m, Man City £193.5m, Arsenal £192m (all 2014/15). Mourinho effect?


  29. Shotts – Time will tell whether Jurgen can restore something of Liverpool’s former glory but, in spite of the erratic results and performances, he does seem to have brought a bit of life to the club. They probably need as total a change from top to bottom in the attitudes in the club, as comprehensive as took place after Arsene’s arrival. As much as anything someone has to decide what “success” is and how you measure it in2016 at LFC. You wonder whether the man himself understood what he was taking on when he signed on the dotted line ? A mighty task and some talented managers have tried and failed.


  30. James Olley ‏@JamesOlley 5m5 minutes ago
    Elneny set for work permit. FA rules: must play 75pc in last 2 yrs for FIFA ranked teams 31-50. Egypt @ 58 but aggregate in last 2 yrs is 44


  31. Jake Cohen ‏@JakeFCohen 35m35 minutes ago
    Chelsea announces losses £23.1m, a very significant £41.5m swing from the £18.4m profit the previous year.
    Chelsea’s wage bill is now up to £215.6m, a £25m increase, and the highest in the Premier League

    Liked by 1 person

  32. Merson is the footballing equivalent of the late and great Jade Goody.

    The greater the ignorance he demonstrates, the deeper the pit of stupidity and witless nonsense he descends into, the more fascinated is the audience.

    “What’s a sparagus? Do you grow it?”

    Liked by 1 person

  33. ha ha ha, John Cross getting his knickers in a twist at Mark Bryans for implying at the AW press call this morning that the Deeney and Ox transfer stories were made up bollocks – which Wenger agreed they were rubbish.

    Mark Bryans @MarkyBryans
    Deeney to #AFC and Oxlade-Chamberlain to #CFC – Wenger asked if rubbish, he replies: “yes”…

    John Cross ‏@johncrossmirror 4h4 hours ago
    John Cross Retweeted Mark Bryans
    Unbelievably disrespectful. When did it become acceptable for a journo to phrase questions like that…?

    Liked by 1 person

  34. For sure losing sturridge on top of Biter was a double whammy equivalent to the one experienced at afc a few seasons ago.

    AW did a good job keeping the team up there and rejigging a new team together. If only wilshere and welbeck were fit we’d be confident this team/squad could get through this next run of games with the handbrake forgotten.
    However I did not expect the points haul this squad dug out in December and after the new year owith all the injuries and disruptions


    by jeorge bird

    Arsenal held their final training session this morning ahead of tomorrow’s FA Cup 3rd round tie at home to Sunderland, with five youngsters in attendance.

    Alex Iwobi, Jeff Reine-Adelaide, Krystian Bielik, Chris Willock and schoolboy Reiss Nelson all participated in the session.

    There is a possibility that some of the aforementioned youngsters could feature against Sunderland, with Iwobi and Reine-Adelaide the most likely to be involved.

    Mikel Arteta is back available again after injury and could make the squad, but Tomas Rosicky, Alexis Sanchez, Jack Wilshere, Danny Welbeck, Francis Coquelin and Santi Cazorla are all still out.

    Mathieu Debuchy continued to train with the squad despite being linked with a move away from the club.


  36. Bellerin was in training today, putting paid to the rumor that he was given the week off, it looked like Ozil was not in training. He might be the one to get a rest this weekend.


  37. edu
    we dont need to play ozil against sunderland. no disrespect to them but he has played almost every game this season. he needs a rest. lets keep him fresh for liverpool.

    as for merson, he is a moron. he wants wenger to step down for guadiola in the summer. i used to like pep, but this is a guy who has sacked himself from the two best clubs in the world, despite having the services of the best players anyone could hope for and being paid more than any manager around. what do we have to make him stay when he is tired or bored? we dont need a manager who doesnt have long term plan for the club. four more years for arsene is all i want.



    Arsenal Football Club has announced a price freeze on all general admission and club level season and matchday tickets for next season.
    Arsenal chief executive Ivan Gazidis said: “We have incredible home support with sell-out crowds for every game. This decision reflects our on-going aim to maintain a fair and balanced approach to our ticket pricing.”
    It will be the seventh time in 11 seasons at Emirates Stadium that prices have been held flat, meaning the cost of season tickets has fallen around 19 per cent in real terms against inflation in that time.
    The process for supporters to renew gold member season tickets will start in April or May. Platinum membership season ticket renewals on club level will begin in March.
    Further information about the renewal process will be provided in due course.
    Copyright 2016 The Arsenal Football Club plc. Permission to use quotations from this article is granted subject to appropriate credit being given to http://www.arsenal.com as the source

    Read more at http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/20160108/arsenal-fc-freezes-prices-for-2016/17#Rmg3cT5JhT0HEBpa.99


  39. what an idiot Yaya Toure is

    Liked by 1 person

  40. Pires initially returned to ARSENAL to keep fit and coached players particularly the younger ones off the cuff. As time has gone on he has seemed to be given more responsibility almost as a natural progression. Thiery came back to do his badges but again seems to be carving a neesh. Freddie is the only one who is an official coach. We do have ex players Kwame Ampudu, Ryan Smith and Greg Lincoln all working as coaches as well as David Court of course.

    Liked by 1 person

  41. PG, we should seek “justice for Ivan Gazidis!!! .

    Checking the Spurs annual report, to compare like with like, it would seem that Ivan received only £25,000 more than the Levy fellow.

    A company such as the Arsenal, should not be skinflints,

    Even Ferguson, Sir Alex of that ilk, a non-executive director, is better paid. That socialist misfit, moonlights as a lecturer at a business campus in the good ol’ USA, that is always trading at a loss.

    Let us have justice for Ivan!!

    Let us be having you, Stan the main man!


  42. Liverpool’s play a day ahead and have heavily rotated. Eddy might get his wish yet!
    I think we’d all (including the coaches and physios) like to see the likes of Özil and Ramsey rested for this clash, but who knows!


  43. ianspace I don’t think Freddie is an official coach, Wenger said he is just doing his badges and needs to coach a team as part of that and so we are letting him work with the U15’s

    Also I don’t think Ryan Smith is one of our coaches, its Ryan Garry

    U21 coach Steve Gatting is a former Arsenal player too.

    Steve Morrow is head of scouting

    Is David Court still working for AFC, I thought he retired.


  44. Re Sunderland tomorrow:-

    “So, we’re up for the Cup, and, while it might be a team with a few surprises, it has to be remembered what happened last time we rolled out the ressies at Arsenal in the Cup. League Cup, in November 2002, and OK, mebbe not the ressies as such, but Macho, Rossiter, Thirlwell, Kyle, and Proctor were in the starting eleven and Matty Piper replaced Stefan Schwarz at half time – and we came from two down to win 3-2 thanks to one from Kyle and two from Marcus Stewart.”

    .- It’s the FA Cup third round, the giant killing stage – can we pull off the miraculous by beating Arsenal at the Emirates, something which this club has not done for a very long time. I’ll say to the players ‘show me what you’ve got’. Some of them have walked around looking pretty miserable on occasions when I haven’t picked them, so now I have picked you, show me what you’ve got.”


  45. ed, not sure if David Court is officially retired or not but he still is often at hale end. Both Ryan’s are at ARSENAL however one is a scout not sure which way round it is, Garry was the defender and I thought he was scouting and Smith the winger was coaching as I have seen him talking to Kwame at U21 games but it might just have been a coincidence. I didnt include the more famous names because they are on player and in the programme regularly.


  46. no ian, Garry is the coach, he is the one who can be seen along side Henry at most youth games, Jason Brown the ex-Blackburn goalie is often to be seen with them, he is the youth team goalie coach


  47. Paddy Power ‏@paddypower 25m25 minutes ago
    Paint watches Danny Murphy dry.


Comment navigation

Newer Comments →

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: