Arsenal Players and Management – Analysed !

arse squad

Well, it’s a new year and I think that’s a good time to look at the squad and management. So let’s analyse them individually through my expert eyes.

Petr Čech

A Chelsea back up player that showed us all we need to know when he threw in two during our first league game against West Ham. In the twilight of his career but I suppose he is better than the alternatives.

Davis Ospina

The less said about this dwarf keeper the better. I mean, he can’t even catch a ball and nearly saw us out of the Champion’s League.

Mathieu Debuchy

That he was still playing for Newcastle at 29 years of age says it all. Now he can’t even get a place on the substitutes bench. He won’t fight for his place because he is weak minded.

Laurent Koscielny

Was plucked from obscurity when we should have been buying Samba. Turns his back on driven balls and has a horrible habit of going to ground in the box, a penalty waiting to happen in every game.

Kieran Gibbs 

When he is ever fit to play his positioning is useless. He can run quite fast but offers little when he gets to where he is running. Only makes the squad because of the home grown rule.

Nacho Monreal

Yet another bargain basement buy. He is a liability. Poor defender by any measure. Worst of all he looks like Peter Crouch.

Per Mertesacker

This guy has the turning circle of a battleship. He is six foot five and can hardly get off the ground, midgets beat him in the air. Quite assured on the ball when he eventually passes it, after allowing the opponents to get back into shape.

Calum Chambers

Honestly, I don’t even know what this kid is supposed to be. We have tried him at right back, centre half and defensive midfield and he has failed to impress anywhere. £16 million down the drain? I ask you.


Another cheap option. Total madman,he couldn’t even see what Costa was up to! Reasonable back up but no more. You get what you pay for, I suppose.

Hector Bellerin

This lad looks like a prospect, but no way should he be learning on the job at our great club. Barca didn’t want him so that perhaps should tell us what we need to know. Not big enough to defend his post. Still, he is lightning fast and might make a good winger some day.

Tomáš Rosický

This ageing perma-crock has played about 10 games in 10 years. Never big and powerful enough to be a proper player in the Premier League. Good on the ball but nothing at the end of if. Runs about like a senile terrier chasing a tennis ball. His days are long gone. Deadwood if ever I saw it.

Aaron Ramsey

The most over-rated player at the club (and that’s saying quite something ). Loses the ball all over the pitch. Obsessed with scoring, the greedy  git. No defensive discipline at all. Vacates the midfield in search of glory. He isn’t even English. Should have been sold into the Championship where he belongs.

Mikel Arteta

Lol. I mean, just lol. He came to us when already past his best, as a replacement for the sensational Cesc Fàbregas, I mean, just as if! !??!! What legs he ever had have gone and he just passes backwards. Captain? He couldn’t lead a dog on a walk. We need a leader of men, not a leader of the conga at an old folks home.

Santiago “Santi” Cazorla González

Moved into midfield because he couldn’t cut it on the wing, where he was bought to play. How can a midget play centre-mid in this league? I suppose we can say he has two good feet, but we need power and pace in midfield and he offers neither.

Jack Wilshere

This lad looked good 6 years ago, but it turns out he is made of glass. Some good close control but just runs into blind alleyways. No longer sure what his best position is, but it should be at another club as we can’t depend on him being fit. Popular with fans because he is a local lad, but is that enough?

Mathieu Flamini

Left us when we needed him and came back when no one wanted him. He was free for a reason. Technically woeful. All he can do is shout and point. A red card waiting to happen too. Never good enough. The rich bastard.

Mesut Özil

Lazy overpriced Muslim flop. Floats about the field like he is out for a jog. Doesn’t think a player like him should track back. Proper big time Charlie, just because his team mates won the World Cup for him. OK, he gets some assists, but he is a passenger the rest of the time. To think we once had Cesc and now we have him. Its disgusting.

Francis Coquelin

Called back in an emergency after several loan spells where he had failed to impress anyone. Very limited player . OK as a back up. We need an upgrade in this position that has been neglected for 10 years. With money in the bank we should be buying a beast, instead we have to put up with a player we were trying to push out of the door.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain

Five years since Southampton fleeced us and he has not improved a jot ! He plays out wide and gives us no end product. Spends most of his time looking down at his boots. No goals, no assists, no anything apart from a winning smile.

Olivier Giroud

He is a lamppost. The worst striker to ever lead the line for Arsenal. He is a big lump with the pain threshold of a toddler. Absolutely no pace, when he can be bothered running that is. His flicks lead to a goal once in a blue moon and somehow people think this is OK. Perhaps fans are as infatuated by his good looks as he clearly is? After Wright, Henry, and the wonderful RVP we are stuck with this. Its not right. It just isn’t!

Danny Welbeck

Does he even still play for us any more? A United cast off. No end product.Can play centre forward or on the wing, but when I say “play”?? You know.  If he ever does play again he will offer little.

Theo Walcott

We have been paying him massive wages for almost 10 years now, and for what? He can run fast, but we pay him to play football. After 10 years of doing nothing on the wing he has been shunted to centre forward because everyone else is crap. Goes totally absent for almost all of our games and can only score if he hasn’t got time to shit himself.

Joel Campbell

Yet another one that was half way out of the door before we negligently left ourselves short following another useless transfer window. He will never be good enough. Works hard it has to be said.


He is God. The best player since Henry. He is everything a professional player should be. Wonderful beautiful glorious man.  Runs endlessly, tracks back and scores for fun.

Arsène Wenger

Useless at tactics, outdated training methods, stealing £8 million a year. He puts faith in players we all know cant string two games together. Happy with his 4th place ‘trophy’, and he is French. What more can I say WEGNER OUT.

Steve Bould

Nothing more than a yes man for the great dictator. He is allowed to do nothing more than put out the cones.

Stan Kroenke

An owner with no interest in football. Has bought 70% of the club so he can steal money under the pretence of one of his companies doing some imaginary work. Gives the manager free reign to run the club like a holiday camp as long as he gets the Champions League jackpot money.

Ivan Gazidis

Just a spin doctor. Promised us we would like Bayern Munich and we are not. He lied to us.




Now at  this point I feel its only fair to say I’ve never actually seen any of these players play the game. All my insight comes from reading twitter, blogs and listening to podcasts. I am surprised though that given what I’m lead to believe, Arsenal have won back to back FA cups and currently sit on top of the hardest league in the world.



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99 comments on “Arsenal Players and Management – Analysed !

  1. Absolutely fucking brilliant – all that time rubbing shoulders with the Scarfist nutcases on Twitter and you have become virtually fluent in their negative bullshit.

    Alexis though – he won’t hang around

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I couldn’t read the bit about Tomáš. I can’t bear the thought of anyone slating Tomáš – even in fun. God I miss that little man.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love it 😂😂. So enjoy your posts but this tops the lot !! 👍

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Brilliant stuff George – not least for finally revealing to me why I have so little time for Alexis compared with the rest of the world, contrary sod that I am. And thanks also to Muppet should he read this for a great post yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Now that Fookin’ Meerkak is talking propa’ cense!!

    Vehgah Aaht!!


  6. Amusing, yet excruciating.

    I told you to keep off the Twatter.

    Alexis can’t even play 90 straight games. Injury prone. Innit.
    See. You got me at it. Go away.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You didn’t even mention the shit stadium George. I blame the padded seats at the ground for it all tbh. Disgusting, we should have spikes to force us all to stand.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. whoever you are, this is brilliant little piece. i have never looked at our players in these light before, but you are right in a shit-bit-of-way. wonder how you will describe the remainder of the premier league, if arsenal are this shitty.but at the end, we won fa cup back to back and are on top of the league. i mean for the first time in forever..great piece man.


  9. How to get it and miss it at the same time. Takes some doing that.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Don’t forget the medical team George!!
    Snake oil huckster’s, the lot of them.

    I wouldn’t let them tickly my pet gerbil.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I can’t tell if eko has out foxed you George or didn’t get it but loved it anyway.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. ” What a load of shite, first and last time I’ll be reading this blog. You know nothing…”

    “Useless and ignorant review”

    They bloody love you George


  13. Incredible post!!! Sending this to every wob I know!! (yes we have those miserable idiots in India also).

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Shame is this is so on the money


  15. Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. I nearly spat my coffee over my keyboard

    “I’ll be ‘avin you”, George.

    One day after Muppet does a serious piece of work, you take up the reins of parody and sarcasm. Talk about role reversal.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Well, well, well, what’s has happened here?


  17. People on twitter calling me a racist because I called Ozil a Muslim. You do wonder sometimes .

    Liked by 1 person

  18. George – we used to do a song called Wanker in a band I was in about a violently abusive husband and father and were attacked at the end of one performance for ‘encouraging’ rape. The clue was in the title and the repeated use of the word to describe the man in the chorus.
    You just have to accept some people are incapable of noticing satire, of recognising humour. Some people are, basically, too impatient to actually read the article and take the time to understand it no matter how blatantly obvious it is..

    Liked by 1 person

  19. George: This absurd refusal to call a spade a spade, to pretend because it may offend, is so absurd. Often is the same people who want Mosques closed, outlaw the wearing of veils, or never say a peep when Muslims civil rights are violated. Ozil never hides his Muslimness as evident by his sideline ritual prior to coming on the field.

    What about the far more numerous players who cross themselves before coming on the pitch, after scoring a goal, etc? Clearly you shouldn’t call Alexis a Roman Catholic or a Christian.


  20. But the point is Shotta, George is clearly parodying people who see ‘Muslim’ as an insult. Not that I don’t agree with all you say of course but the fools who slam George for using Muslim as an insult are simply showing their idiocy.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. And where are the references to Spics, Dagoes, sheep shagging Taffies, Krauts, effete Frog ponces eh ?

    Bloody part timer


  22. I never realised you were Ivor Biggun Stew !!


    ( you’re secret is safe – strictly entre nous)


  23. Good point Steww. That is where use of parody was excellent. By attacking George shows how he exposed their inner insecurity.
    BTW: I have always wondered in the midst of the recent increased anti-Muslim hysteria in England (Europe generally) how come the media steers clear of attacking Ozil for his obvious show of devoutness.


  24. I suspect the anti Muslim hysteria is not quite so pronounced to us locals Shotts


  25. Leeds United play Bristol City in the Championship at Elland Road and a ticket costs £42, but no media outrage, it seems they only do outrage when its AFC


  26. A5: Obviously I am going by reports in the MSM which, as we gooners are all too familiar, is always skewed to fit a certain narrative.

    Your point that “anti Muslim hysteria is not quite so pronounced to us locals” may explain the recent divisions in England around whether to join the US in bombing Syria. The people on the ground, who are not necessarily a majority, were actively against bombing and for peacemaking while the establishment led by the Conservatives and the Blairites in the Labour Party were resolutely for more bombing and more destruction. As an amateur historian who values the role of the anti-slavery movement in Britain for the the eventual emancipation of my forebears, who themselves lost hundreds and thousands in constant slave revolts, it is heartening that the locals are not always on board with the media.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Shotta
    I liked the photo of Portia offering Cam a hug, though I’m not sure whether PJ’s reparations speech came before or after the “friendliness”.

    Twas so generous to offer a few millions to build some prisons or summat, don’t you think?


  28. The wobs do live in a world of their own.
    Re PG getting abuse for the Özil jibe: I dunno what’s more disturbing – the fact that they didn’t spot the parody, or in doing that didn’t see anything wrong with PG’s parodying of the other players and staff.

    Either way, good job on getting their backs up.


  29. As was demonstrated in the General Election in May 2015 Shotts I am not quite sure what the majority of my fellow citizens think about anything !
    I live in an area of England where the number of Muslims or any identifiable ethnic immigrant group is tiny so the notion there would be anyone to direct hysteria towards is a bit dubious. The prejudice of choice around here for a born and bred local remains travellers/Gypsies though, bizarrely, the different Baltic nationalities are constantly at it with one another.


  30. Ranty: Don’t get me started on that Cameron offer of aid to Jam to build a prison to house the economic refugees who are now being aggressively deported. The irony is that most of the existing prisons in JA were built by the British colonial authorities and make Dante’s Inferno read like a child play. The British are not to blame for the failures of the subsequent Jcan governments to improve the prison system but the colonial attitude to crime and punishment is alive and well. To see Cameron riding on the back of all that is backward in our culture raises my already unhealthy blood pressure.
    Can you believe that as a child growing up a significant part of my parents generation and beyond were more English than English?


  31. Ancoll
    Your lot in Norfolk are all decendants of illegal refugee boat people from the war torn steppes of eastern Europe who arrived to kick the real Britons back to Wales in the 6th Centaury. Too chicken scared to face Atilla the Hun.

    Aaron Ramsey is the true High King.

    I mean, just look at him, just look.

    Liked by 2 people

  32. Lot of sugarcoating here. No mention of the fact Wenger didn’t rate Coquelin and Bellerin and only played them by accident.

    Nor that Ozil, when he’s good, was only bought because the fans and piers Morgan forced Wenger to do it.

    And what about that defence! The one that can only keep clean sheets because Bouldy did it but mucks up because Bould isn’t allowed to do anything.

    Anyway, if we’d just spent 50 or a 100 million we wouldn’t even be talking because we’d be ten points clear now. Everyone knows spending that would guarantee we beat teams who spent more because…erm…we spend it…err…they spend it bad… hang on…hnnrgh

    ….because, yeah, we had a better squad than them before they spent money this summer…no, hang on (if we were better, but they’d spent more in the last 5-10 years, then…)… oh, fuck it….11 years, Klopp, Moyes, Coyle, Athletic madrid, Fabregas, rubbish league, injuries, mickey mouse cups, highest price in the world, erectile dysfunction, Adrian Durham wouldn’t lie, Champions league, leave while you can, make them an offer they can’t refuse, pllllpppp…

    Williams, Fellaini, Berkovic, Michu

    Liked by 5 people

  33. “Hinglesh”, Shotta.

    I presume you weren’t impressed by his “move on” diatribe. Some legacy, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Ranty: The less said about the pig-lover, the better.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. There are always surprises in football but today’s headline that Emanuel Adebayor is, allegedly, considering offers from Watford and Palace brought me up short.

    Surely no club and no manager is stupid enough to re-employ that serial waster ?

    Liked by 1 person

  36. Tut, another cheapo infant farrina – he don’t believe in Talent. It’s all hard work.
    Surely deserves a place among the myriad losers above. I give you Jeff:




    Tafari Moore has agreed a new deal with the club, while Tolaji Bola has signed his first professional contract.
    Moore, 18, is an energetic full back. Having joined the club aged 12, he has worked his way up through the Academy to become a regular for the Gunners’ under-21s.

    An England youth international, Tafari won the U17 European Championships with the Three Lions in 2014.

    Seventeen year-old defender Bola has impressed for Arsenal’s under-18s over the past two seasons with his composure and tough tackling.

    A fellow England schoolboy, he has represented his country at U16 level.

    Everyone at Arsenal looks forward to the continued progression of Tafari and Tolaji in the seasons ahead.

    image: http://www.arsenal.com/assets/_files/images/jan_16/gun__1452095358_BOLA.jpg

    Copyright 2016 The Arsenal Football Club plc. Permission to use quotations from this article is granted subject to appropriate credit being given to http://www.arsenal.com as the source

    Read more at http://www.arsenal.com/news/news-archive/20160106/moore-and-bola-agree-new-contracts#C3dB8cAtocVHdgqf.99


  38. Did someone mention Atilla?

    George you should’ve written “Hun/Muslim”, that’d of cleared up any confusion.


  39. Did I ever tell you all that Alexis was once my fantasy football signing…

    …happy days indeed!

    We were just getting to glimpse the impact of Ozil and Sanchez together before his injury *sobs* Fire and Ice, or ice and fire in this instance. It’s a great combo. Almost as if someone, somewhere, knows what they are doing? What are the odds? Will Ray Winstone let me place the bet?


  40. Superlative stuff.
    Everything is crap and rubbish and shite and until the boys win what the critics and MSM see as a real trophy …..moving boundaries of course allowed…….all should self harm accordingly.


  41. Absolutely agree PG, our squad is useless…
    And isn’t this the worst EPL season ever?
    That has to be true because I read it in the Metro and heard Adrian Durham say it on Talksport…

    Liked by 3 people

  42. I see what you done there George😀

    Liked by 2 people

  43. Haha really enjoyed reading this…PG well done man

    since arsenal are now top, sure the PL is no a weak league… and nothing to do with other teams improving the foreigners they buy… imagine shaqiri of bojan… from Bayern Munich and Barcelona to stoke city, no less!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. “and he looks like Peter Crouch”…classic PG! Brilliant synopsis of the Le Poop world.
    OT(sorry) Steww I dont know if you were ever liked a band called Stump?I just saw that Mick Lynch popped his fierce pancake before Christmas.RIP Mick.


  45. George Weah blames Wenger for world player of the year:

    Liked by 1 person

  46. Hearing that some people didn’t get the sarcasm in this piece from Petr Cech onwards only increases my misanthropy.
    It’s like those people in Denmark who can’t understand that if you drop bombs on people, they run away, although why they are running in this direction is beyond me. They must be Millwall fans – “no one likes us, we don’t care”.


  47. **laughing so delightfully** ….this is absolutely delicious. You are a master. A Master, I say!


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