Well, it’s a new year and I think that’s a good time to look at the squad and management. So let’s analyse them individually through my expert eyes.
A Chelsea back up player that showed us all we need to know when he threw in two during our first league game against West Ham. In the twilight of his career but I suppose he is better than the alternatives.
The less said about this dwarf keeper the better. I mean, he can’t even catch a ball and nearly saw us out of the Champion’s League.
That he was still playing for Newcastle at 29 years of age says it all. Now he can’t even get a place on the substitutes bench. He won’t fight for his place because he is weak minded.
Was plucked from obscurity when we should have been buying Samba. Turns his back on driven balls and has a horrible habit of going to ground in the box, a penalty waiting to happen in every game.
When he is ever fit to play his positioning is useless. He can run quite fast but offers little when he gets to where he is running. Only makes the squad because of the home grown rule.
Yet another bargain basement buy. He is a liability. Poor defender by any measure. Worst of all he looks like Peter Crouch.
This guy has the turning circle of a battleship. He is six foot five and can hardly get off the ground, midgets beat him in the air. Quite assured on the ball when he eventually passes it, after allowing the opponents to get back into shape.
Honestly, I don’t even know what this kid is supposed to be. We have tried him at right back, centre half and defensive midfield and he has failed to impress anywhere. £16 million down the drain? I ask you.
Another cheap option. Total madman,he couldn’t even see what Costa was up to! Reasonable back up but no more. You get what you pay for, I suppose.
This lad looks like a prospect, but no way should he be learning on the job at our great club. Barca didn’t want him so that perhaps should tell us what we need to know. Not big enough to defend his post. Still, he is lightning fast and might make a good winger some day.
This ageing perma-crock has played about 10 games in 10 years. Never big and powerful enough to be a proper player in the Premier League. Good on the ball but nothing at the end of if. Runs about like a senile terrier chasing a tennis ball. His days are long gone. Deadwood if ever I saw it.
The most over-rated player at the club (and that’s saying quite something ). Loses the ball all over the pitch. Obsessed with scoring, the greedy git. No defensive discipline at all. Vacates the midfield in search of glory. He isn’t even English. Should have been sold into the Championship where he belongs.
Lol. I mean, just lol. He came to us when already past his best, as a replacement for the sensational Cesc Fàbregas, I mean, just as if! !??!! What legs he ever had have gone and he just passes backwards. Captain? He couldn’t lead a dog on a walk. We need a leader of men, not a leader of the conga at an old folks home.
Santiago “Santi” Cazorla González
Moved into midfield because he couldn’t cut it on the wing, where he was bought to play. How can a midget play centre-mid in this league? I suppose we can say he has two good feet, but we need power and pace in midfield and he offers neither.
This lad looked good 6 years ago, but it turns out he is made of glass. Some good close control but just runs into blind alleyways. No longer sure what his best position is, but it should be at another club as we can’t depend on him being fit. Popular with fans because he is a local lad, but is that enough?
Left us when we needed him and came back when no one wanted him. He was free for a reason. Technically woeful. All he can do is shout and point. A red card waiting to happen too. Never good enough. The rich bastard.
Lazy overpriced Muslim flop. Floats about the field like he is out for a jog. Doesn’t think a player like him should track back. Proper big time Charlie, just because his team mates won the World Cup for him. OK, he gets some assists, but he is a passenger the rest of the time. To think we once had Cesc and now we have him. Its disgusting.
Called back in an emergency after several loan spells where he had failed to impress anyone. Very limited player . OK as a back up. We need an upgrade in this position that has been neglected for 10 years. With money in the bank we should be buying a beast, instead we have to put up with a player we were trying to push out of the door.
Five years since Southampton fleeced us and he has not improved a jot ! He plays out wide and gives us no end product. Spends most of his time looking down at his boots. No goals, no assists, no anything apart from a winning smile.
He is a lamppost. The worst striker to ever lead the line for Arsenal. He is a big lump with the pain threshold of a toddler. Absolutely no pace, when he can be bothered running that is. His flicks lead to a goal once in a blue moon and somehow people think this is OK. Perhaps fans are as infatuated by his good looks as he clearly is? After Wright, Henry, and the wonderful RVP we are stuck with this. Its not right. It just isn’t!
Does he even still play for us any more? A United cast off. No end product.Can play centre forward or on the wing, but when I say “play”?? You know. If he ever does play again he will offer little.
We have been paying him massive wages for almost 10 years now, and for what? He can run fast, but we pay him to play football. After 10 years of doing nothing on the wing he has been shunted to centre forward because everyone else is crap. Goes totally absent for almost all of our games and can only score if he hasn’t got time to shit himself.
Yet another one that was half way out of the door before we negligently left ourselves short following another useless transfer window. He will never be good enough. Works hard it has to be said.
He is God. The best player since Henry. He is everything a professional player should be. Wonderful beautiful glorious man. Runs endlessly, tracks back and scores for fun.
Useless at tactics, outdated training methods, stealing £8 million a year. He puts faith in players we all know cant string two games together. Happy with his 4th place ‘trophy’, and he is French. What more can I say WEGNER OUT.
Nothing more than a yes man for the great dictator. He is allowed to do nothing more than put out the cones.
An owner with no interest in football. Has bought 70% of the club so he can steal money under the pretence of one of his companies doing some imaginary work. Gives the manager free reign to run the club like a holiday camp as long as he gets the Champions League jackpot money.
Just a spin doctor. Promised us we would like Bayern Munich and we are not. He lied to us.
Now at this point I feel its only fair to say I’ve never actually seen any of these players play the game. All my insight comes from reading twitter, blogs and listening to podcasts. I am surprised though that given what I’m lead to believe, Arsenal have won back to back FA cups and currently sit on top of the hardest league in the world.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.