January 2014. Or as it will henceforth be known, Transfer Window: Round Two. Like all sequels it will no doubt promise to be bigger and better than ever but leave us all with an overwhelming sense of disappointment, akin to that of spending the night with James ‘Raul’ Stokes. Matches and results become meaningless as increasingly frenetic Gooners crave news & whispers of who may potentially join the club or was once spotted in a red top age 4 that was the same shade as that years Arsenal kit. And therein lays the problem. During this period the object of fans desire is transfer news, therefore meaning an increase in the number of articles and blogs about transfers as writers seek to boost views and circulation of their efforts. This in turn leads to more people becoming occupied and so on and so forth. And if you’ve spotted the irony in that this is essentially a transfer piece and I am actually one of those bastard bloggers, -well done.
This segment is dedicated to the Twitter Halfwit Brigade.
We are currently top of the league and after examining our upcoming fixtures, you would expect us to stay there for the foreseeable future. Any points gathered though will be completely insignificant because rumour has it that the player you liked and were convinced would sign for us is now being linked with someone else after his agent was spotted having coffee with someone that looked suspiciously like a girl another teams manager had a one night stand with 6 months ago. This of course means that he will be signing elsewhere instead of suggesting that she might just be a bit dirty. How dare the club ignore your suggestions, I mean come on, this guy scored 47 goals in the Belgian second division playing as an auxiliary inverted defensive pivot master. Arsene has thrown your advice away like a pile of Zimbabwean dollars and spat in your face. The Prick.
Time and time again Arsene has chosen to betray you. He ignored your advice about how Giroud was just too handsome to play football effectively and look at him now. Crocked after only 18 injury free months. Disregarded was your comment about Mertesacker being too slow to function sufficiently in this league. Arsenal might have the best defensive record in the league but what about the previous years, uh? Scorned was your remark about Ramsey being “shit”. Might be the best midfielder in the league at present but couldn’t even score a hat-trick against his old club, could he? As for Flamini? You said his hard-working craft is merely a fool’s substitute for brains. A two-footed challenge on Danny Rose doesn’t change that.
You know better than Arsene of course. You have the benefit of Twitter, a multitude of blogs and your trusty Squawka app full of stats about passing accuracy and distance covered. Obviously you know who is better out of Arteta and Flamini. It is apparent to you where Cazorlas best position is. You know what it takes to make Mesut hot. And even more glaring is that you know what signings we should make. Your internet searches and YouTube compilations far outweigh the research the club do. After all they only check the player’s background, medical history, family medical history, attitude, professionalism, upbringing, performances, integration ability, current contract, contract bonuses and duration, signing on fees, agent fees and image rights amongst other things.
We have a month of articles titled “Who Arsenal Should Buy” and “Why Haven’t Arsenal Signed This Wonderkid” to put up with. There will be a few out there who try to maintain a sense of normality amongst the absurdity of the situation. Not many but a few. They are of course doomed to fail, with as much chance of success as me in a fight against the Klitschko twins after I’ve goosed their wives. It should of course be noted that there is a difference between voicing the opinion that a player would improve our team and voicing the opinion that we must sign such player. Messi would undeniably improve our team but I’m not suggesting we sell off Giroud’s organs so we could scrape together money to bid for him.
To survive this month I suggest smashing all internet enabled devices in your home. Don’t even bother finishing this article, do it now! You didn’t do it if reading this, ahh well I tried to help. Next burn any tabloid filth that enters your abode. Instantly punch any of your Gooner friends who start a sentence, “I heard Arsenal is in for…” Avoid any TV channel that uses the phrase “Our Sources”. Since it’s still horrible outside buy the Breaking Bad box-sets to occupy your time. Buy any box-set really to fill the hours, except the 2nd Season of Homeland because that’s a pile of piss. Watch True Grit and then send me a transcript of what Jeff Bridges says in that irritating cowboy accent. If that doesn’t work then a revolver and cyanide cake is the only way to go. Good luck and May the Gods have mercy on your souls.
I’ve been and remain Dyllan Munro who can be found at goonertastic.com and on Twitter @goonerdyllan although most of my time in there is spent inventively insulting Stooookes. Thank you for reading and thanks to George for allowing this mediocre effort on his site.