A guest contributor who shall remain nameless
Well, match day two, and we are off to the sunny climes of Stoke, and Joke City ( “two Orcs for every Gun” as them old surfers Jean and Dan sang). Yes, its already their Cup Final! In fact rumour has it that even if the Jokers were to actually reach the FAC, todays fixture would be still a bigger deal. A game that every Orc relishes and every Gooner grrrroans at and hopes Gandalfs on the team list. To me it always seems a bit like a League Cup game (early rounds) when we play them…yes interesting, but nothing to start frothing at the gills over.
Anyway, it will soon be over, and back home again, and hopefully with another three points in the bag. What is this bag everyone talks about that the points go in? Granny’s handbag? A scumbag? A carrier bag from Waitrose that you take in Lidl on the sly and use instead of one of their bags, mostly to show that Mrs.Cheeseman at number 42 that you’re not poor as you walk past her house on the way home-(don’t worry she shops at Aldi, and I heard she’s been snogging that horrible Oswald Muesli bloke from number 16)? Or perhaps a velvety bag, blue-black in colour that’s deep and sensuous that you can search about for ages in while listening to some Lem Winchester CDs?
For us though, it be one of the two rugby games we play each season against the Potties. No Arsenal fan looks forward to this date too much, as the Orcs seems to be the antithesis of Arsenal,Arsène and Wengerball. I always fear for all our team but especially for the likes of Mesut, and Rambo ( how must he feel having to make the trip to Mordor I have no idea) having to get in the time machine and go back to the early 1970s. For Stoke often seem to have that style about them?
They love to play “Slogger, clogger, bogger, hogger ,fogger, bovver- ball” as its known in Stoke. The philosophy at Stoke is all meat pie, cigs, a shag (the dance of course, what kind of a mind have you got?!)and more cigs, more meat pies, a choice of ham or spam sandwiches and 16 cups a tea and that’s just at HT. Exercise and fitness training at Stoke FC in mid-week includes a trip to the local arcade and a go on the grab, then down to the pub to read Look-in and twenty pints of Double Diamond, a bag or two of Pork Scratchin’s and up early next day for a big greasy breakfast and a scrap with some locals on a building site. The rest of the day is spent sitting on a Potty, and that’s why that area is know as the Potteries. Or that’s what I heard from my Aunt Hilda van Soiler-Buit. But she was famous for telling tall tales, so perhaps this is all just a misunderstanding?
I daresay the Jokers will be naffed awf at getting a spanking last time around, and as long as it doesn’t start raining, I reckon they will get a good spanking again. And even if they don’t, they deserve it. I asked an astrologer Edward de Krystal-Hemlock Spudney and he predicted 3-0 to the Gunners. It cost me fifty pounds and seventy five pence to get the reading, I didn’t like the way he had a picture of Harry Kane in his tent though. My Uncle Norvus warned me about the dangers of astrology when I was a nipper. It was the first time I’ve been in a tent since 1947. And I wont be going back in one, I can tell thee!
In some respects Im glad we are playing them already as to avoid the fabled ‘rainy Tuesday night in January at Stoke’ syndrome (ie them winning and us getting booted about and broken in the mud because we aren’t interested to play them), although the addition of Kolasinac might even things up a bit? I wonder already what will Lacazette make of this fixture? He seems cooler than cool, so I’m sure he can take it in his stride. And give us a couple of goals.
I have no idea who will be in the team today, but without Sanchez and Steww both AFC and PA aren’t up to their best standards, however hopefully both will be back to top fitness and eligible for selection soon. And I can be sent off into the woods in search of Baba Yaga. Although Babs is probably a billionaire now, and is looking to buy up a team. She would probably buy up Stoke! After all she flew around in a kind of potty herself.
Not much of an article, it was supposed only to be a stocking filler. I got the stocks on my head and wandered about for a bit but couldn’t find any yokels to throws things at me, and then went in my partners room and into her chest of drawers where she keeps her stockings, grabbed a pair and put them over my head. I started looking in the mirror and made a few hard poses, a few in profile, sort of Jimmy Cagney meets Joe Pesci, but it was really more Joe90, as my glasses got all mashed up in the stockings. My partner came in just as I was saying ” hand it over you dirty rat” in a Joe Pesci styled accent and she asked what I was doing with her stockings on my head? She wouldnt believe me when I said I was writing the PA match day review! I dunno what’s a guy supposed to do?
At least we didn’t talk about transfers.
If you’re going to Mordor, may Elbereth be with you (or something stronger), and if not, sit back and feel anxious until we score goal number four and then enjoy the game. Up next, them Scallies of Brookside. Calm down! Calm down!
David Pfarecluff—-schööper schub