Today’s post is by Muppet
A friend of mine in the City has brought me some worrying news:
NEW CLUB PROPOSED BY DISAFFECTED ARSENAL FANS
The Grove – Proposed new Stadium, to be financed by Bank Of Dave
A breakaway consortium, to be financed by the Bank of Dave, is proposing a new club. The spokesman confirmed:
“We are sick of Arsene Wenger and the years of austerity, failed tactics and incompetence. We propose a new club called Farsenal Plan B, with a new stadium called The Grove. The new club will have a new constitution, stipulating no injuries, a guaranteed trophy every year, and a maximum of 2 French players.”
The proposed initiative is to be financed by the Bank of Dave, a Yorkshire entrepreneur , who went on the record:
“A group of unhappy bloggers on some Arsenal sites and Twitter came to my shop in Burnley and had a business proposal, to turn Farsenal Plan B into the number 1 club in the world. They were attracted by my low rate of interest. “
Money does grow on trees
The spokesmen confirmed that Bank of Dave wanted assurances that Farsenal Plan B would win the league every year:
“We are convinced there are numerous managers who could do a far better job than Arsene Wenger. We are busy looking for them. We know they are out there somewhere.”
INJURIES – NO PROBLEM
The spokeman also confirmed that injuries that have the plagued the current Arsenal squad, will no longer occur:
“My mate who is married to a doctor, assures me that the wrong pills are being prescribed. But that’s not the real problem, we are not buying the right players. They have the wrong DNA. “
Proposed DNA profile of new players – sadly lacking in current crop
Players are currently sought after via Bob, who is a mate down the pub. He told the spokesman that he would scout some kids in the local area, and come back with some news. Another scout has been offered a free holiday to Brazil, in order to bring some prospects back. He hasn’t been seen since, but we are sure he will have some good news for the new consortium.
In the meantime, negotiations are ongoing with Ronaldo, Messi, Schweinsteiger, Lahm and others.
NEW CLUB MOTTO
The club’s spokesman confirmed that there will be a new motto, reflecting a much needed change in attitude:
“Who dares wins”
The spokesman stressed the need for a change of emphasis at Farsenal Plan B:
“Who dares wins is a new idea and a new motto for a fresh brand of football. We will be looking for a director of football and a manager who is not scared to spend. The mistakes of the past must not be repeated. We had the opportunity to spend the £100 million war chest in the last window, where Spurs proved there were literally thousands of players available, and we totally wasted it. To cover for injured players we propose a new squad size of 50. Never again will injured players ruin our season.”
An outline sketch of a new club motif is underway:
Proposed new club motif
NEW IDEAS
Some more innovative ideas are that of soliciting the team via crowdsourcing. The spokesman was enthusiastic about the merits of Twitter:
“We believe in the idea that the collective wisdom of Farsenal Plan B fans can add a great deal to the process of team selection and transfer negotiations and procurement of players. We propose that fan suggestions for players and evaluations are taken seriously and fed into the club’s management process. We believe that the model of player evaluations is too manager centric, and for that reason is fallible. “
Planned technological innovation- listen to those “in the know”
“Arsenal missed the boat on many players who have since gone on to world super stardom. The names stick in the throat – Melo, Scott Parker, Affellay, Defoe. If the club had been more tech savvy, these names would have been heard loud and clear from a very influential fan base. Farsenal Plan B will now take advantage.“
DETAILED FINANCIAL ANALYSIS NOT REQUIRED
The spokeman was bullish that world domination could be achieved by what he called “Weeding out the dross” from the squad:
“Too much money has been spent on the likes of Chamakh and Gervinho. 50k a week for players who offered little. We propose that we attract better players at £30k a week. This model is proven at other clubs and will secure our new future. I drew this inspiration from Costcutters. There are hundreds of players available for £30k a week. “
Hackney marshes – hundreds of players available for £30k a week
A NEW DAWN, A NEW FUTURE
PREMIER LEAGUE 2014-2015
1. FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
4. ARSENAL 60 points
PREMIER LEAGUE 2015-2016.
1.FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
5. ARSENAL 60 points
PREMIER LEAGUE 2016-2017
1. FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
6. ARSENAL 60 points
Premier League Predictions for next 3 years.
The spokesman confirmed that Farsenal Plan B will win the league in the next 3 years:
“We believe that 3 straight league wins would be a modest return on our investment. By hiring a manager with tactical nous, and employing the wisdom of the fan base, we will go from strength to strength.”.
Muppet can be engaged as your rogue media spokesperson via Twitter @MuppetGooner
Positively Arsenal 
Higher grounds and all that.
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Ok . I’ve had enough. From now on,anyone being more eloquent than me is barred.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
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Obviously the word moral is vacant in my vocabulary. Wonder why.
Haha PG, that’s right, humor should liberate us. Or at least ease our tensions.
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Way hey PG!
That just leaves me!
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Muppet, hilarious spoof as usual! Hopefully we’ll win the FA cup, put that canard to bed, and end up with higher points than last season in the league even if it is the same position. We might catch Chelsea if things end up well for us with their European commitments, bans/suspensions, injuries and, hopefully, loss of some confidence.
Ultimately, it looks to me like AW is going to be our manager for a couple more seasons. I’m behind AW and believe he can and should have the opportunity to build a top team with the greater resources available. The board has one goal: keep AW in the job. So the task really is looking ahead to what will be necessary to build a squad legitimately capable of doing real damage in the two biggest competitions–a grueling league season and getting through big sides in the CL knock out phase. Spending lots of energy slagging off the manager (quite apart from it being distasteful and wrong) just contributes challenges for the club to achieve its goals. But what I do think is clear, however, is that there is real work to do for the club to move forward starting with finishing strong and then working hard to improve the team this summer.
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Limestonegunner,
Cheers – yes, fingers crossed for the rest of the season. I have heard that we are working on transfers already. Hopefully we can improve/get to the bottom of the injury situation as well. A fit and rotating Gnabry,Ox, Ozil, Ramsey, Sanogo, Walcott, Wilshere, Giroud is a mouthwatering prospect.
@All,
Thanks for comments.
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Muppet,
I would hope 3 really good new signings on top of the quality players we already have will make us very dangerous next season. I will let AW handle the details of who and where we need them. I also hope we keep the players we have, even keeping KK for another season.
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Wait wait transfer porn? Let me get some…err…popcorn first. Hmm
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Newsnow website is going to be messing with our heads all summer long:
Cesc to manu, Sanga to City, Poldi to Koln, Zlatan to Arsenal, Giroud to spare room in his house…… yada yada.
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Hope Sagna, Verm and fabianski will stick. Quite a manage a trois to pull off.
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Top quality post and top quality debate…….
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DC
And with it the woohs and ahhhs will follow. Old funk. I know my porn.
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Cesc and Song are going to be part of a fire sale Barca is having this summer. Personally, I’d welcome Song back, seeing as we need a strong central midfielder, but I don’t think I’d take Cesc back. For me Ramsey, Ozil and Jackie have evolved into better footballers.
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@Double Canister,
Agreed. I think we have been chasing certain players for a long time. I heard that we wanted Mertesacker at least a season before we actually got him. Hopefully they will materialise.
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Hahaha, MUPPET. always great fun to read. I propose a new nickname for the team. ” ROOSTER BOYS “.
what say you all ??
Great. So shall it be written, so shall it be done. ( YB ) akb the feroon.
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There were plenty of rumours about Mertesacker and Podsolski deals in advance of their announcement. I definitely remember the BFG rumours because I had a mild panic attack when the rumours started again and I couldn’t remember if the previous links had been with Metzelder (NOooooooo!) or Mertesacker (Phew! Germany’s best defender? I think so, Lahm is an attacking FB/CM these days). The friendlies that were arranged (to lower the fees) for both these transfers is reasonable evidence that negotiations were long in the tooth.
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Pre-arranged friendly = New York Red Bulls = Thierry Henri.
Yup, that’ll do.
or Bradley Wright-Philips, errrr no thanks.
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@ PG
” a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.”
hunter13 is not a troll, he is more of a troll-hunter. And he abhors what he sees as irrationality and injustice. I am not hunter13’s keeper, although I will remind you that I have previously implored him not to bring arguments with people from other blogs onto this one.
And more importantly, I wasn’t talking about trolls anyway. Not for the first time, some people have tried to bring down a site because they didn’t like its message. That is more than trolling.
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Friendly tours don’t count. Or maybe they do? I have no idea.
Where’s Dick? I need to know where Dick Law is!
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@ dc and muppet
You definitely get the feeling that AW is only interested in “top, top” quality now – and now we can afford it readymade if other circumstances are right. We have a lean mean squad, with practically everybody playing a significant part in the season and I am sure he is looking to build on that. I am trying not to get ahead of myself, not jinx anything, but if the next three weeks go well, we could look back on this season as the start of another golden age. Oh, god, I’ve probably just jinxed us…
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@ finsbury
“I had a mild panic attack when the rumours started again and I couldn’t remember if the previous links had been with Metzelder”
I think a lot of people did genuinely get the two reputations mixed up, hence the over-the-top criticism. They thought Merts was Metz.
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He did alright, did Dicky, when he chased up Joel Campbell from Central/South America and managed to sign him up without getting a transfer ban from FUFA. BOOM*.
*I’m killing myself with such amazing humour here. Sorry. Almost as funny as the non-stop allegations that Arsenal Football Club are incompetent, as churned out by the same desperate attention seekers, day after day, year after.
In the aftermath of the Moyes disaster we get the BBC trying to compare Kronke to the Glazers: If Kronke was taking the same amount of Wonga out of Arsenal the club (& please note not the/any manager) would have to play the likes of Josh Vickers and Maitland-Niles in the first team.
This poverty of coverage is sadly expected from the Bleeb. But we don’t expect this from Arsenal fans who say they are experts on the Club & experts on finance, & football, & physiotherapy, osteopathy, &…..That is all.
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They thought Merts was Metz
It’s a good thing I never made that error! Not even for a second *coughs*.
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Brilliant…….!
Farsenal Plan B Chief spokesman Peter Dead-Wood told Talk Sport today:
“We are confident that the Armchair experts, lead by moir, with my infinitie knowledge of sports science and business finance (Did you know i am an AST and attend AGM’s and class myself a super fan), will revolutionise football. I will personally oversee scouting, transfer negotiations, player contracts, fitness, nutrition, tactics, player motivation, business planning, project management, media and PR and all the other areas in which I have specialist knowledge in. In fact, I may even save us the time and expense and manage the team myself; providing I can find time away from massaging my ego by tweeting and blogging to my adoring public.”
With Adrian Durham, Michael Owen, Alan Hansen and Stewart Robson all agreeing to join the new venture, Dead-Wood was looking forward to dominating World football. He added: “Seriously, how hard can it be for someone like me?”
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Bottom line is there is no one on Earth who I’d trust more that Arsene Wenger with a serious pile of Arsenal’s “warchest” money to spend on a few new players this summer.
Or any Summer, Winter, Easter or Bar Mitzavah.
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Fun Gunner
“. Not for the first time, some people have tried to bring down a site because they didn’t like its message”.
is this really true? I must confess to having read some pretty disturbing stuff on ‘that’ blog, the worst of which was wishing Arsenal dead. But taking downj another blog, what kind of person claiming to be Arsenal fans would do that? Thesei are not fans.
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Hypothetically, purely hypothetically would I take another site down – if – hypothetically – I was able to ?
Would I smite the unGodly asunder, atomise their cyber existence in a micro second flicker of energy ?
The moral dilemmas of the digital Universe Kev
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Yeah I probably would
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Love the optimism here, compared to the attitude of some other so called Arsenal fan sites
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Big ups, Muppet. That was hilarious.
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Excellent, Muppet you better than the Henson creations
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Quality satire Muppet, humour as a weapon ‘n’ all that.
A pity it’s not appreciated by all, but as others have pointed out, the proportion of over-emotional anti-Arsenal/Arsene guff v anything more considered is way out of proportion to the values and beliefs to generally be found here at PA.
I think we’re allowed, somehow.
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Well written, Muppet and good to see you are still in good form. Despite your recent bruising experience.
Satire is fine, it is necessary to keep ITK in his place! Or as one blogger put it – ITK actually DNK.
When I last looked at Untold, there were 2 flashing browsers, on the left. These “browsers” were obviously affecting the content of the site. That is my two farthing’s worth of internet knowledge.
Sorry, PG,
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Andrew,
we can’t win it seems:Muppet’s post is a great ripost to certain OTT bloggers recent mootings.
Gawd help us, the number of times I’ve see this site and contributors called self-rightous, delusional, pompous, humorless, overzealous … blad de blahs.
A bit a fun now and again is harmless, and the targets Muppet is joshing have got Kevlar skins.
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Bacary Sagna believes a fully-fit Abou Diaby is one of the world’s best footballers.
The France international made his latest comeback on Tuesday night after more than a year on the sidelines with a serious knee injury.
Diaby’s promising Arsenal career has been halted time and again by fitness issues but, at 27, the midfielder has time on his side.
“He’s still young, that’s what is amazing because he had so many setbacks and bad news in his life but he’s still fighting, he’s still smiling and that’s what I admire about him,” Sagna told Arsenal Player.
“He always wants to give the maximum, he always stays positive and I think that’s why he’s back today.
“To me he is one of the best in the world [when he is fit]. When he’s at his best he can play as well as Patrick Vieira did and as good as many players did. He can be useful for the team and he can be decisive.
“To be honest I was shocked the day he got injured [at Swansea last season] because to me he deserves to have a great career. He’s a great player with great skill and ability but he got injured a lot.
“That’s life and I think he is strong enough to come back to his best and work hard, that’s what he’s done until now and I’m glad to see him back. He played with the reserves and he is training with us so I’m looking forward to him playing with us.”
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But on the other side of the argument,
Some of us have been told-off by our betters here for carrying on arguments and feuds into this site from elsewhere.
PG asked us to behave ourselves with a bit more decorum, and I think we have since (more or less).
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If I go onto another site that posts things I don’t like, I either leave straight away or steal myself to learn about the other view. I certainly don’t bother commenting on that site as that would be silly. I come here because I enjoy the views of like-minded supporters, and because at the moment I don’t have many opportunities to actually meet and talk with Arsenal fans face to face.
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Yes but you’re still on a warning, DC.
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George I am also of the opinion that Abou Diaby is a fantastic footballer. Since Dan Smith broke Abous leg with another of those reckless tackles we seem to receive, he has struggled with injury. Someone, it may have been Arsene, described him as the new Vieira. If he can overcome these injuries I think he will prove a valued addition to this team in the centre of our midfield. However, his injury record is pretty poor so I wonder if he will ever be a regular? But he has my support and I wish him the very best.
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We just wish him the best, I guess and hope he does an RvP on us – the eventual long period of injury-free good form-ness, I mean, not the stripey little-boy-based bastardry.
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Fastenal your seatbelts, here come the Roosters.
Cock-a-doodle doo football.
Who dare whines? Sorry, who dares wins, oops.
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Great stuff Muppet and I have enjoyed most of the comments today. It makes a change to have a little light hearted fun, but I think the new club motif should be a headless chicken!
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“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated..”
— Mahatma Gandhi (1869 – 1948)
“The greatness of an Arsenal blog is judged by how it treats Abou Diaby”
–Georgaki-pyrovolitis
I find it extraordinary that, to date, all Positivistas have the same view of Abou Diaby. We all love him and wish he can salvage a football career and show us, for the rest of his playing career what an extraordinarily good footballer he is.
I detest, I abhor, those blogs and bloggers that deride Abou and begrudge him his salary and an opportunity to salvage his career at AFC.
It is also a measure of how great a man Arsene Wenger is, he also believes in Abou……
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“The greatness of an Arsenal blog is judged by how it treats Abou Diaby”
–Georgaki-pyrovolitis
Legendary stuff, GP!
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I am so glad I found this blog, top article today and I’ve really enjoyed reading the comments too.
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@Andrew 8:08pm
I was born with a yellow card.
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Welcome to PA Goona Gal – don’t be a stranger!
DC – ha ha!
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“4th place is a trophy … 9m
I spit on the face of you if you are proud of failure. Do you even know the standards of Arsenal F.C. and how massively it has been declining because of you bunches ? We were once the invincibles of the league and now we regard finishing in top 4 as a success.”
Look at the shit I have to read to keep you bunches cocooned and free from stupidity !
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The level of abstract thinking involved in making the leap between the literal and the figurative renders the notion of 4th place equaling a trophy quite beyond the level of many. Thank you George for cocooning us, but have no fear, we see it enough times elsewhere. Quite apart from the financial implications, I find the thought of an Autumn without Champions League football to look forward to – and for that reason alone I shall treat every point won between now and the end of a season as hugely important. For the time being though, come on Southampton!
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I have really enjoyed the posts and comments on this site since a friend of mine sent me a link -some 3 months or so back, but its my 2nd time of commenting on a post(I usually just enjoy myself going through others comments).
The purpose of commenting now is to ask permission of the owner of the site -and its members, of course- to post a link/address to an Arsenal fc fans forum on facebook and to invite any one who isn’t averse to having Arsenal/football chats on facebook.
The heavy negativity, insults and abuses on staffs of the club was what inspired the creation of the group in the first place and so far we’ve managed to keep it clean, positive and still interesting. It would be a real boost to have fellow fans that are like minded and highly knowledgeable about the club- and its traditions- sharing their views in there -if for nothing else but to expand the range of positivity on everything Arsenal.
To the owner of this site; I apologize if this isn’t an acceptable process to go about this, I did search on the site menu for a more private way to contact you directly but couldn’t find any such options.
https://m.facebook.com/groups/611956855550080?refid=7&_ft_=qid.6006154427001496199%3Amf_story_key.5987027735313839360&__tn__=C
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