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New Club Proposed By Disaffected Arsenal Fans

Today’s post is by Muppet

 

A friend of mine in the City has brought me some worrying news:
NEW CLUB PROPOSED BY DISAFFECTED ARSENAL FANS

Muppet1

The Grove – Proposed new Stadium, to be financed by Bank Of Dave
A breakaway consortium, to be financed by the Bank of Dave, is proposing a new club. The spokesman confirmed:
“We are sick of Arsene Wenger and the years of austerity, failed tactics and incompetence. We propose a new club called Farsenal Plan B, with a new stadium called The Grove. The new club will have a new constitution, stipulating no injuries, a guaranteed trophy every year, and a maximum of 2 French players.”

The proposed initiative is to be financed by the Bank of Dave, a Yorkshire entrepreneur , who went on the record:
“A group of unhappy bloggers on some Arsenal sites and Twitter came to my shop in Burnley and had a business proposal, to turn Farsenal Plan B into the number 1 club in the world. They were attracted by my low rate of interest. “

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Money does grow on trees
The spokesmen confirmed that Bank of Dave wanted assurances that Farsenal Plan B would win the league every year:
“We are convinced there are numerous managers who could do a far better job than Arsene Wenger. We are busy looking for them. We know they are out there somewhere.”
INJURIES – NO PROBLEM
The spokeman also confirmed that injuries that have the plagued the current Arsenal squad, will no longer occur:
“My mate who is married to a doctor, assures me that the wrong pills are being prescribed. But that’s not the real problem, we are not buying the right players. They have the wrong DNA. “

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Proposed DNA profile of new players – sadly lacking in current crop
Players are currently sought after via Bob, who is a mate down the pub. He told the spokesman that he would scout some kids in the local area, and come back with some news. Another scout has been offered a free holiday to Brazil, in order to bring some prospects back. He hasn’t been seen since, but we are sure he will have some good news for the new consortium.
In the meantime, negotiations are ongoing with Ronaldo, Messi, Schweinsteiger, Lahm and others.
NEW CLUB MOTTO
The club’s spokesman confirmed that there will be a new motto, reflecting a much needed change in attitude:
“Who dares wins”
The spokesman stressed the need for a change of emphasis at Farsenal Plan B:
“Who dares wins is a new idea and a new motto for a fresh brand of football. We will be looking for a director of football and a manager who is not scared to spend. The mistakes of the past must not be repeated. We had the opportunity to spend the £100 million war chest in the last window, where Spurs proved there were literally thousands of players available, and we totally wasted it. To cover for injured players we propose a new squad size of 50. Never again will injured players ruin our season.”
An outline sketch of a new club motif is underway:

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Proposed new club motif

NEW IDEAS
Some more innovative ideas are that of soliciting the team via crowdsourcing. The spokesman was enthusiastic about the merits of Twitter:
“We believe in the idea that the collective wisdom of Farsenal Plan B fans can add a great deal to the process of team selection and transfer negotiations and procurement of players. We propose that fan suggestions for players and evaluations are taken seriously and fed into the club’s management process. We believe that the model of player evaluations is too manager centric, and for that reason is fallible. “

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Planned technological innovation- listen to those “in the know”
“Arsenal missed the boat on many players who have since gone on to world super stardom. The names stick in the throat – Melo, Scott Parker, Affellay, Defoe. If the club had been more tech savvy, these names would have been heard loud and clear from a very influential fan base. Farsenal Plan B will now take advantage.“
DETAILED FINANCIAL ANALYSIS NOT REQUIRED
The spokeman was bullish that world domination could be achieved by what he called “Weeding out the dross” from the squad:
“Too much money has been spent on the likes of Chamakh and Gervinho. 50k a week for players who offered little. We propose that we attract better players at £30k a week. This model is proven at other clubs and will secure our new future. I drew this inspiration from Costcutters. There are hundreds of players available for £30k a week. “

Muppet6

Hackney marshes – hundreds of players available for £30k a week
A NEW DAWN, A NEW FUTURE
PREMIER LEAGUE 2014-2015

1. FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
4. ARSENAL 60 points
PREMIER LEAGUE 2015-2016.

1.FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
5. ARSENAL 60 points

 

PREMIER LEAGUE 2016-2017

1. FARSENAL PLAN B 90 points
6. ARSENAL 60 points
Premier League Predictions for next 3 years.
The spokesman confirmed that Farsenal Plan B will win the league in the next 3 years:
“We believe that 3 straight league wins would be a modest return on our investment. By hiring a manager with tactical nous, and employing the wisdom of the fan base, we will go from strength to strength.”.

 

Muppet can be engaged as your rogue media spokesperson via Twitter @MuppetGooner

 

About ArsenalAndrew

Annoying, perennial optimist and lifelong supporter of the finest football club the world has ever seen. My support for the club manager and every single player is non-negotiable, yesterday, today and tomorrow. Retain all options on fellow fans.

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234 comments on “New Club Proposed By Disaffected Arsenal Fans

  1. After all, you’re never too old for a Panini Sticker album.

    never!

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  2. I think the German & Spanish kiddies are a little bit ahead of the Italians, and everyone else, becasue of the massive investment in grass roots football that they made over the last decade. Facilities, coaches etc. Doesn’t meant you won’t see players like, I dunno, Chamberlain or Mannone make it as pro’s, but the odds are definitely (but not forever) in the favour of those who’ve made the investment.

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  3. @ foreverheady April 25, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    John Cross tweeted that Sagna was offered a three-year deal and a big increase in his salary. I wanted the club to go the extra mile to keep him and it looks like they have. I will be very sad to see him leave but it seems as if the player just wants to go. At least he has been dignified about the negotiations and professional on the pitch until the last.

    @ Mandy Dodd April 25, 2014 at 8:45 pm
    Couldn’t have put it better. It will hurt if Sagna turns out in the light blue of City but there will be no bitterness. He has earned the right to go where he wants.

    Now for that vote…

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  4. Lansbury reunited with Pearce, the poor lad. He did not deserve to be stranded with the chump who dropped him in favour of playing Mancienne in midfield, against Spain, in an U21 final. *shakes head*. Fortunately or unfortunately he is out injured at the moment and can’t help Forest chase a play-off. Like Ebbslefleet United Forest are also now owned by some shady grouping from Kuwait, which would explain the cunning decision to re-appoint the former fans favourite. They must have had some consultation from some kind of PR guru/genius (who knows fark all about the footy?).
    Progress = Pearce?

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  5. corr. Ebbsfleet United

    I would never click upon a tabloid site *coughs*, last I heard the Mirror vote was still at 100%!

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  6. There is another angle regarding the difference between the Spainish kids and the UK.

    All the ‘big’ Spanish clubs run 2nd teams in the lower leagues and they play regularly against other professionals, and if they are good enough, and experienced enough they get their chance with the parent club.

    The UK U 21s only play spasmodically and against players of similar age groups and skill levels. Then when they do not develop because of lack of game time or through injuries — they get the chop from the club.

    Another bunch will go this summer and it must be shattering for them, and makes me wonder how many slower developing gems get lost that way?

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  7. Southampton 1-0 up, own goal.

    @ HenryB April 26, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    “There is another angle regarding the difference between the Spainish kids and the UK.

    All the ‘big’ Spanish clubs run 2nd teams in the lower leagues and they play regularly against other professionals, and if they are good enough, and experienced enough they get their chance with the parent club.”

    Very, very good point.

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  8. Henry
    That has definitely been a problem for all clubs here. What is encouraging is that Arsenal have managed to get some minutes for some players this year, Joel Campbell is a good example. Akpom has had minutes in the the lower leagues already in between his games for the U18s and U21s which is smart. And like Gnabry (a shame he has had some minor niggles) others did well in the NextGen last year.
    It’s not good to see Miquel on the bench, but it must be tricky for the Leicester manager to drop any senior players when chasing promotion for a loanee.

    Arsenal & Crewe should just ignore the useless and corrupt FA, loan Crewe lots of Arsenal players, Crewe will get to keep some good players and work up the leagues, and everyone’s a winner! Chelsea have a club in Belgium doing that, they might be in a bit of trouble for it: of course they are just copying what Arsenal did (a shame Yaya couldn’t wait for his visa…), but I note that unlike with Arsenal there is no outrage at the BBC.

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  9. Nice to see some regulars from Untold Arsenal pop in. As well as the other new commentators.

    I’m not watching the game, don’t want to jinx it of course, but Everton are a goal down!

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  10. Ok. Just risked a peek. Everton looking nervous at the moment but that could change easily.

    Definitely impressed with the Southampton groundsman’s efforts, the pitch looks fantastic!

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  11. Ohhhh. Nearly a lovely jubbly second for Southampton.

    Putting Liverpool’s spending into context:

    Lambert > Bendtner (on current form) > Carroll (any day of the week. Ok. He’s better at heading. But feet are also important in football).

    Carroll who Liverpool were happy to spend £30M on. Shocking! Indefensible. And not forgetting Downing.
    Liverpool’s appetite for spending some Wonga matches ManIOU over the last decade.

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  12. Coleman with Everton’s second own goal! I think it’s safe for me to carry on watching this game.
    The slowish Baines (not sure I’d pick him or the dropped and aging Cole over Gibbo for the summer heat of Rio) rinsed by Klein. Imagine the grief if Baines played for a club with such groaning experts out there like we do?

    Martinez Out!!!!

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  13. Come on Southampton.

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  14. Bon Clyne and Shaw are outstanding fullbacks.

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  15. Clyne not Klein!

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  16. He’s quick.

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  17. One of the tweaks made by the manager who accoring to the lying disingenious self-promoting Experts doesn’t do tactics in the Home game against Southampton, tweaks which were clearly visible from the North Bank/side (and consequently the opposite side, the rest of the stadium and from the telly too?), was to ask Carzola and Rosicky to ‘hold the width’ ( I don’t really know what that means but it sounds good!) against the young and dynamic Southampton FBs.

    It worked.

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  18. Corr: Rosicky didn’t start that game…I think that was a game where Wilshere started on the right. The returning Walcott came on towards the end to torment the stretched lines of the chasing Saints.

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  19. Does anyone else think that Owen is the thickest, and most monotonously repetitive of commentators with the lowest morals ever heard on TV.

    “His face threw itself into my fist, your honour. I could have avoided pushing my fist into his face but it was in my way, and I had every right not to pull out of it!” What a shit!

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  20. Spanish plundits for me!

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  21. http://untold-arsenal.com/archives/35231

    remember how people came onto PA last summer to tell us they were just asking reasonable questions? Well, it is reasonable to ask why they made the choice to ignore all the available indications that AFC were stalling because there was some kind of haggle involved, not exactly an unimaginable scenario at the time consdiering that AFC had made many D-Day haggles. People were adamant that Arsenal were not going to sign any players. This was, let’s not mince about, it was insane behaviour.

    The meltdown last summer on the internet was a staggering and disturbing example of confirmation bias. Possibly interesting to an anthropolgist but it had very little to do with the football.

    Like

  22. Possibly the funniest transfer deal in thie history of transfers, and the malcontents denied themselves the pleasure of appreciating the moment. Unbelievable stupidity.

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  23. Agree with you HenryB on Owen, although he does have serious competition. He was a talented finisher whose career became a mere sideline to other lucrative activities, race horses (perhaps the true reason fergie signed him )……and more disturbingly, being a runner for his best mates..and possibly in reality his own betting firm …free access to rich players, and encouraging certain England players to run up huge gambling debts when Owen was part of the setup. Shame certain England managers did not have the balls to take on celebrity for the wider benefit of team morale. Owen sums up the wasted so called golden generation.
    But as a pundit like most of them, a waste of the planets oxygen

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  24. Southampton 2, Everton 0.

    I hate Monday night football.

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  25. That was unexpecte. Thanks Everton.

    That kid Luke Shaw is going to be unbelievable. England’s future at fullback seems more than secure.

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  26. Well said, Mandy.

    I did not know or here anything about the allegedly extra-curricular activities of Owen and co. Wow.

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  27. GainsB,

    I agree with you, it’s a pity Shaw is going to the Chavs or more likely Manure.

    For an 18 year old he has a good footballing brain, and a terrific acceleration from a standing start.

    Like

  28. Shaw chewed up Seamus Coleman just now. He made him look as if he was Stephen Reed instead of a top five RB. I think he can go to an big club, to be honest.

    Like

  29. Been out at the St George’s Day Pink Penguin lunch today

    By god the Saints popped a cap up the ass of those Scouse dudes

    Or so I am led to believe

    Hic

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  30. @ Mandy Dodd April 26, 2014 at 2:33 pm
    Wow. I did not know that!

    And thanks, Saints. (banned massively grinning face)

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  31. End of an Era dot com

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  32. I predicted the Everton, Spuds and Manc results.

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  33. You should have put some money on it Gains! That would have been a good accumulator bet!

    Like

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