January 2014. Or as it will henceforth be known, Transfer Window: Round Two. Like all sequels it will no doubt promise to be bigger and better than ever but leave us all with an overwhelming sense of disappointment, akin to that of spending the night with James ‘Raul’ Stokes. Matches and results become meaningless as increasingly frenetic Gooners crave news & whispers of who may potentially join the club or was once spotted in a red top age 4 that was the same shade as that years Arsenal kit. And therein lays the problem. During this period the object of fans desire is transfer news, therefore meaning an increase in the number of articles and blogs about transfers as writers seek to boost views and circulation of their efforts. This in turn leads to more people becoming occupied and so on and so forth. And if you’ve spotted the irony in that this is essentially a transfer piece and I am actually one of those bastard bloggers, -well done.
This segment is dedicated to the Twitter Halfwit Brigade.
We are currently top of the league and after examining our upcoming fixtures, you would expect us to stay there for the foreseeable future. Any points gathered though will be completely insignificant because rumour has it that the player you liked and were convinced would sign for us is now being linked with someone else after his agent was spotted having coffee with someone that looked suspiciously like a girl another teams manager had a one night stand with 6 months ago. This of course means that he will be signing elsewhere instead of suggesting that she might just be a bit dirty. How dare the club ignore your suggestions, I mean come on, this guy scored 47 goals in the Belgian second division playing as an auxiliary inverted defensive pivot master. Arsene has thrown your advice away like a pile of Zimbabwean dollars and spat in your face. The Prick.
Time and time again Arsene has chosen to betray you. He ignored your advice about how Giroud was just too handsome to play football effectively and look at him now. Crocked after only 18 injury free months. Disregarded was your comment about Mertesacker being too slow to function sufficiently in this league. Arsenal might have the best defensive record in the league but what about the previous years, uh? Scorned was your remark about Ramsey being “shit”. Might be the best midfielder in the league at present but couldn’t even score a hat-trick against his old club, could he? As for Flamini? You said his hard-working craft is merely a fool’s substitute for brains. A two-footed challenge on Danny Rose doesn’t change that.
You know better than Arsene of course. You have the benefit of Twitter, a multitude of blogs and your trusty Squawka app full of stats about passing accuracy and distance covered. Obviously you know who is better out of Arteta and Flamini. It is apparent to you where Cazorlas best position is. You know what it takes to make Mesut hot. And even more glaring is that you know what signings we should make. Your internet searches and YouTube compilations far outweigh the research the club do. After all they only check the player’s background, medical history, family medical history, attitude, professionalism, upbringing, performances, integration ability, current contract, contract bonuses and duration, signing on fees, agent fees and image rights amongst other things.
We have a month of articles titled “Who Arsenal Should Buy” and “Why Haven’t Arsenal Signed This Wonderkid” to put up with. There will be a few out there who try to maintain a sense of normality amongst the absurdity of the situation. Not many but a few. They are of course doomed to fail, with as much chance of success as me in a fight against the Klitschko twins after I’ve goosed their wives. It should of course be noted that there is a difference between voicing the opinion that a player would improve our team and voicing the opinion that we must sign such player. Messi would undeniably improve our team but I’m not suggesting we sell off Giroud’s organs so we could scrape together money to bid for him.
To survive this month I suggest smashing all internet enabled devices in your home. Don’t even bother finishing this article, do it now! You didn’t do it if reading this, ahh well I tried to help. Next burn any tabloid filth that enters your abode. Instantly punch any of your Gooner friends who start a sentence, “I heard Arsenal is in for…” Avoid any TV channel that uses the phrase “Our Sources”. Since it’s still horrible outside buy the Breaking Bad box-sets to occupy your time. Buy any box-set really to fill the hours, except the 2nd Season of Homeland because that’s a pile of piss. Watch True Grit and then send me a transcript of what Jeff Bridges says in that irritating cowboy accent. If that doesn’t work then a revolver and cyanide cake is the only way to go. Good luck and May the Gods have mercy on your souls.
I’ve been and remain Dyllan Munro who can be found at goonertastic.com and on Twitter @goonerdyllan although most of my time in there is spent inventively insulting Stooookes. Thank you for reading and thanks to George for allowing this mediocre effort on his site.
Positively Arsenal 
You are on form this morning Dyllan
Death to the window and all its works, its addictive grasp must be resisted
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Hah, hah, love it. Well put and full of good advice. Mind you some very respectable Gooners on Arsenal TV online would have loved us to purchase Fellaini……
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i had seventeen possible links but have been guilted in to keeping them to myself so good work Dyllan.
you are of course 100% correct with fans even knowing to the penny how much we can afford and how much each player would cost including initial fee, agents cost , wages and all other associated fees. They also know a players availability and preferred destination. All of this misinformation they will then use to bash the manager , board ,club when all 30 signings don’t take place.
Unfortunately we live in a world where rationality is in smaller supply than oil and harder to extract as well and so trying to that little bit of black gold we desire because of our love for the club is hampered by the cloud of ignorance that surrounds it.
I think more and more people are taking your advice and bunkering down during this month and watching the games …..how strange
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As much as the media shit storm that occurs every transfer window, I have to admit to enjoying seeing Arsenal linked with new players. Always have done, from SuperMac, Mariner, Limpar through to Bergkamp, Overmars (I think that one got me the most excited ever!) and of course. Özil.
There have been literally hundreds we “missed out on”, or more accurately “werent ever interested in” and they are the ones that seem to get the hoi polloi proleteriat unwashed masses in a right tizzy though.
But why havent we signed Diego Costa yet? Damn you Vengrrrrrrrrrrrr!
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the most satisfaction I ever got from missing out on a player was when a whole summer the transfer of tony cottee was played out in the papers, well before social media ,
He chose Everton because they had more chance of winning things in his opinion and we all know how that turned out.
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Thank fook we ‘missed out’ on him a-or-b!
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and to make it even better perry scored the winner at goodison in the semi’s
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Good mrng to all ‘positivitas’
I hope our know-it-all fans will at least give the manager and his team of experts this winter to make the signings they may deem useful to the team rather than create a bad atmosphere in the stadium with their complains over the non-signing of player ‘X’ and ‘Y’.
As much as I’ll b happy with any signing, I believe we can challenge and possibly win with what we’ve got as long as we can stay relaytively healthy.
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I want my Eduardo back!!!!!
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Spend spend spend!
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Tbf I was relieved when the manager put his wallet back in his pocket and did not complete the signing of loanee Julio “The Beast” Baptista. Phew. That was a close one.
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Is Berbat Off to the Arsenal then or what???
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It does seem like a purchase is possible in January, potentially quite fast, and as usual AW et al will have studied, perused and essentially decided numerous options over weeks and months prior. We tried to obtain that extra striker in summer. We’ve had some interesting Jan purchases over the years, none more so than AA (ambitious move, half-expected) and Nacho (totally unexpected). And we’ve had a few duds too.
Essentially, the situation is almost abnormally normal. AW has now indicated he would prefer Bendtner to stay. Bendtner has all but proved his value, as a second striker in the mix, of the right age, and skills. What I admire about Nick, personally, is his passing and fast feet in the box. He had that wonderful assist. His minutes played to goals and assist ratio is probably damn good. Bendtner has not made much public indication except he desires a role, somewhere. Now he’s injured, a month they say!
We’ve got a potential but very young striker coming up, Sanogo, of whom AW is clearly impressed, but he’s far off a first team place; and the youth and reserves we also know something about. I also happen to think Oxlade-Chamberlain has a striker’s ability.
What would you do? Buy big? Buy temporary? Loan? Give Theo a go? Lukas? Me, I would likely leave things as they are because Nick B does look to be fully capable, will be back in February, and before injury was surely not far, on current form, from a more regular starting place in certain games. Frankly, I like the young man’s attitude; give credit, he’s worked hard, worked his way back, and for me that counts big time.
But we may certainly need a stop-gap solution. I would go for street smarts, or speed; either way a shot, a poacher, Hernandez-type. The big buy may wait another summer.
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Sadly Zim dollars don’t exist anymore. We do miss those multi-billion notes and the wheelbarrows needed to carry enough to buy a few groceries.
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It has to be Lewandowski obvs!
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Higuain!
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No! Wait. False alarm.
I have the wrong transfer window there. Er, sorry, my bad.
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Strikers, forwards? I can’t help when it comes to prospective players. I know even less about what happens during a transfer of a player then our own sweet FA.
But goals? I have some goals, do you want to see some Arsenal goals?
Have a butchers:
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As we have been reliably misinformed, clear evidence of Venger and Bould not talking or agreeing with each other, and their inflexible tactics.
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The question to the answer 39 goals in the first 20 games I think might mean Wenger has a fine sense of humour.
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A new striker you say? I’m afraid it Sanogo!! Baddumm tchishh!
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I wouldn’t mind having Berbatov until the end of the season. He could play in a few games and could probably teach Olive and Bendtner a thing or two. I’ve always been a big fan of his finishing.
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Yann M’Vila ? The fans’ favourite signing who never, ever was
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Funny post Dyllan. Tempting to send post this at some websites and twitter accounts.
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Thank you for the kind words here and on twitter.
Happy to contribute to the site.
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Cool effort DYLLAN.
Looking forward to more. Hilarious at times. JR is all right mate. No more jokes at his expense. well done.
So , have we bought the ex spud ex manc fulhamit yet?? Or loaned??
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Thanks Goonerkam. All jokes with James are in jest, we pod together and I occasionally guest write for him. SA I have an upcoming post that certain people may take offence to a lot more than this one :p
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Oh bollocks,I’m off out and I have forgotten to do a match preview.
Sorry people .
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Looking forward to it Dyllan. Wouldnt mind being a wind-up merchant by using your upcoming piece.
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SHOTTA
you’re up at bat. You mission should you choose to take it….
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SA, I sent you a DM on Twitter.
If you could give feedback that would be great.
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Dyllan is LANS.
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Yann M’Villa, the Felipe Melo of the transfer market.
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LANS, DC?
I’ve put up an article: No, I’m The Best Arsenal Supporter!!! on goonertastic about how love for Arsenal shouldn’t be predicated upon the money you spend or proximity to the ground. You guys may enjoy it :p
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Omfg is there a worse team to follow in sport than the English Cricket team? Honestly, being an Arsenal fan can sometimes be taxing, but you know that there’s always an upside and things will get better. But with England? Oh my, oh my…
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Anyway, great article Dyllan. I am just disagreeing with one small bit: “and your trusty Squawka app full of stats about passing accuracy and distance covered.” Unfortunately most of the Twitter halfwit brigade don’t even bother to go that deep. They generally ignore all stats that disprove their points and only sparingly use those that support their argument, often out of context. Like the often called need for a 30-goal-a-season striker when it’s just as likely that you’ll become champion of England without such a player in your ranks.
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I think that the transfer of Monreal has been strangely regarded, as has his contribution (and potential to contribute even more) to the team. He is excellent and for those obsessed by money, really quite expensive for a “back-up” left back. Don’t discount Gibbs being used in a more forward role in seasons to come. Transfer windows are fun but need to be treated as such – they are only the footballing equivalent of daydreams about winning the Lottery, or buying hotels on Park Lane and Mayfair.
Great post Dyllan: keep the articles coming.
Do you still live in Zim, ZimPaul? I have happy memories of a couple of hockey tours when inflation hadn’t quite taken hold.
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I see Clattenburg is refereeing today. I trust our lads won’t be too sensitive.
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It is what it is COLL. he will do what he usually does and nothing we can do about it except to play well enough to take his sorry factor out of the game. There is a ground swell of recognition and feelings of injustice in the air but nothing will probably happen regarding referee performances this year. These things take time . Its the f•••Ing fa and pigmall we are taking about here after all.
And oh , the EPL. So stupid a bussiness model. So shortsighted to recruit the best talent from the British isles and the world and instead of laying the foundation on the ground to produce and create some of the most revolutionary and creative football in history, this is the best they can do . Players being petrified of walking out of the game without all their limbs being intact. Sad really. EPL is the most exciting of all leagues in the world some say and you can’t think of more than six or seven teams out of twenty that try their best to play the game the way it should be. It could be so much better. Hopefully in our lifetime.. (0(
Here’s to a fantastic game and a win.
C O Y G !!!!!
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FABIANSKI
JENKS TV KOSHER IGGY
MIKEL JACK
TOMASH
THEO HOWITZER SANTI
•• – •
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I woke up today thinking oh yes its an ARSENAL day. I have cousins from the wrong side of north London and when I was younger was often barracked by them and used to get phone calls at the end of some seasons to remind me who had finished as top London club, football wise I haven’t heard from them in 19 odd seasons.
As you can imagine I hate losing to the spuds more than any team although some modern fans find their distaste amongst the plastic fans of manure, chelski and more recently city, for me its still the spuds I have to beat the most
Even a friendly two days before a champions league final I would expect us to field a strong side and whip their arses.
However imagine we were playing Melchester rovers today, could we think the unthinkable, is there ever an advantage to losing a cup tie.
Last season we started badly and needed a strong finish to secure champions league football, would we have been able to do that without a clear run at the league, would we have been able to take in any more high intensity games and coped with the added injuries this might have entailed.
Wining breeds confidence I hear you shout and many teams have been able to encompass many competitions on their way to major success as we ourselves were able to do on our way to our three doubles but these are exceptions and their are many other examples where multiple success has hampered the doors of the trophy cabinet being opened. For us 1980 was the season we were close to a treble and ended with nothing, losing to sides inferior to us in all three disciplines. I remember seeing the lads off from outside Highbury for their Euro final and to be honest they looked knackered getting on the coach.
so is their ever a good time to withdraw from a cup? is our squad ready for a war on three fronts ? Whatever the answers to these questions the fact remains we cannot lose today COYG . .
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Bench: SAGNA, SACKER, WOJO
GANB, OZI, GIDEON
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Managers bench: AW, BOULDY
😉
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where is FRANK & STEWW for f••• sa••.
& FUNGUN . When you need them.
Its crunch time baby.
WE ARE THE ARSENAL!!!!!!!!!
send them spudniks into orbit. Game time.
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A OR B
nice story. I think that you won’t be getting a call from your cousins this year either. I don’t know. I love the FA cup. Lots of memories. Good and bad. I think we can give it a good go. So good for the confidence of the younger ones. Learning from the best at the right pace. We will see some fantastic lads coming through. Primary focus must always be the EPL & ECL.
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i hate the fa cup. i hate the circus surrounding it. i hate the media treating it as bigger than the champions league. and i hate the culture of assisting the underdog to provide ‘suspence’ ..a fucking distarction from the real things designed to offer cinderella momments…
not interested.
stan?! luis !!! fast!!!
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I was looking forward to Bendtner Vs. Adebayor: The NLD Rematch.
Wasn’t to be *sniffs*.
–
Conditions similar to the last two Home games, not as windy perhaps. As soggy a pitch at TNHOF as you are likely to see, a carpet compared to most other pitches.
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Perfect day for 3rd round Cup football – weather absolutely filthy, plenty of errors and frantic efforts.
I expect two strong sides fielded today – no loss of momentum is contemplated and I doubt either manager fancies a replay.
And then of course we have a nice long break to rest and recuperate, courtesy of Sky and the PL obviously, before a run out at Villa.
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“I think that the transfer of Monreal has been strangely regarded”
For those looking for some evidence about what ‘The Plan’ might have been at the start of the Summer, the signing of Monreal was there as a reference. Fairly strong evidence of intentions with this current squad, I dared to think.
However, in order for the Malcontents to propagate and smear their disingenious and embaressing bullshit all over the Summer Meltdown (“Venger doesnt believe in signing players…?) the signing of Monreal had to be airbrushed from history.
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As for all the voices (not here) saying it’s not worth the effort for a big club like Arsenal to compete in the FA Cup, come on – get real! it’s only 5 games or so barring any replays. Get rid of the spuds today, hope for a more probable random draw (i.e. not fixed) avoid some other PL clubs for a few rounds, assume our rivals used their 2nd teams (mind you I’d love the opportunity for us to do that too) and get knocked out and have a real go at this. The fixtures in April and May are not bad, and apart from reaching the CL semi-finals we don’t have a lot else to worry about.
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