A guest parody post from Muppet
We iz in the crisis now at Arsenal, innit.? Cos of the gaffer, the big chief Gazidis with ze wodge of dough, and Kroenke dat comes ere once in de blue moon. We iz the fans, and we iz not happy with ze proceedings this summer. We haz a million days to sort out ze transfers, and if u don’t mind me sayin, we ain’t done diddily squat. We iz clever, the fans. We know ze situation. What is a happenin here is crastination. We iz holding out for da big playa, but it ain’t a comin, like the rooney hair on da head. Capice ?
If u were a scholar of history, like I iz, u know that ze Godfather never negotiated. He just chopped off the horses head, innit? Ze arsenal board need ze wisdom of da fans. I will offer me advice at any time, me is so skilled that I won the village championship manager competition 2 years in da row. We iz able to impart carefully honed brinkmanship skills learned on the street corner, negotiating for da finest afghan snow
Ze position is simple. Spend da dough and match ze number of players going out with ze number of players comin in. At the moment, ze numbers no match. We ship Coqulein to GermanyLand and Gervinho for da nice break in Rome. Almunia iz gone back to the circus. Now, me no good at arithmetic but that means we need 3 players already. Sanogo dont count cos he a injury no go. So we iz of the opinion that we still need 5 players. Now, we all knowz that Brazil is the best club side in history innit ? So we need players like Maradona, Cyruff, Zidane, Moore and the like. I iz propose that ze photos of these players are circulated to ze scouts, so they can look for players who look like them around the world. Simples.
Me Dad always used to sayz ‘Look after pounds son, and that will look after the pennies’. We iz of the opinion that from the millions in da vault, we got a huge bounty man. We can go shopping in the arrods. But, John Cross, the tabloid geezer innit, says we are shopping in Lidl.
Me number on ze waiting list is 993429034892384, but if we get a bad start, me threaten to pull out in protest. Ze club will realise dwindling support and mebbe sign Scott Parker before deadline. Dat is my current preyer, dat Scott Parker comes to da rescue. Cos man, I already place order for multi pack pants at Next. The Jury is still out on everyone else man. We about as ready for da new season as a stiff in da morgue.
I heard the news that we play Fenerbache and I nearly shat ma pants. What hope do weze have with the trukish mafia involved? Gazidis is a wallflower and we aint got any weapons. He ain’t no wartime consiglory. Diaby, Arteta are in da coma and Ox is in da hospital. Fook me. We iz going to need me supply of laxatives this season. We iz really pessimistic this season. Might borrow up and go abroad.
Seriously, innit? We got us as much chance as a hair on Ray Wilkins head. If ze board has listened to the fans after we went unbeaten the whole year, then none of dis would be happenin. A big stopper, an artic in front of the back 4 and a world class striker. This iz ze ope of the fans, but nobody iz listening. Piece. Woop Woop.
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