According to a nice old lady, in a recent interview with Victoria Wood, the Second World War would certainly have been lost had the Nazis only been able to interrupt our imports of tea. She worked at Bletchley Park where Britain’s greatest ever war hero Alan Turing used to chain his mug to the radiator to stop any light fingered cryptanalyst from filching it. So great was the risk to our island home should Turing’s enormous brain pan be deprived of its regular cuppa.
The risk to our safety and security and the spectre of concentration camps being erected on the outskirts of Newark-On-Trent is considerably less if I don’t get anything written for Positively Arsenal this morning, but such is the moribund state of my imagination that I have made a pot of that fine fluid in the hope it keeps me lucid long enough to invent some form of verbiage for your edification. I’ve opted for a blend of Assam and Kenyan black leaf teas put together by Taylor’s of Harrogate, apparently if one believes the crest on the packaging, Prince Charles drinks it. But I shan’t allow that to put me off.
I’d love to be able to look into the leaves at the bottom of my cup and tell you that they suggest an historic victory on Sunday but the precious caffeine in my brew is only going to help in keeping me awake and not actually bestow any kind of prescience upon me. Sorry. In any event isn’t it somewhat premature to be looking so far ahead? Well, maybe not. Let’s face it as the matches run out, like sand in an hour glass, every grain suddenly seems more important, more detailed and significant. We look forward to each game with ever more keen anticipation, like an old man knowing each passing spring brings him perilously closer to his last.
A few things have been said about our opponents at the weekend, with some of which I need to take issue. Not least here on this blog penned yesterday by our very own Bradyesque7 in his extremely excellent round up. He said, and I quote, “This is Arsenal vs. Manchester United and it is the game I have been waiting for all season.” Just goes to show how different we all are. It’s the one Arsenal match I hate above all others. I haven’t seen our erstwhile skipper in the vile red and black because I haven’t watched Man Utd this season. I recall one year actually taking the family out for a walk with the dogs rather than watch them. I checked later and it transpired that Adebayor had scored and we’d won so as a tactic it worked rather well. But this isn’t about some silly superstition. I genuinely despise looking at as much as a pair of Man U socks. When it comes to our matches I watch after the event, or on live pause, so I can fast forward through their possession and only watch when we have the ball. Some say it’s a little extreme but I’d rather have root canal surgery carried out with no anaesthetic by a drunken dentist with Parkinson’s disease than look at Ferguson’s revolting face as it pollutes our beautiful stadium.
I do sometimes wonder if the fact that I don’t see them has diluted any negative emotions I might otherwise harbour for Mr Persie. But of course I can’t say as it’s a theory I have never felt the inclination to test. I am however well aware that plenty of other Arsenal fans seem unusually exercised by him.
The entire scenario brings to mind the unfortunate nuptials of an old school friend of mine who was a little unlucky in love. Almost as unlucky as any of my wives have been in fact. His bride, it later transpired, had been conducting a long and highly illicit liaison with the gentleman responsible for the catering at their wedding. They’d hired him as, when approached to rustle up the old vol-au-vents and cocktail sausages he’d offered a remarkably reasonable estimate in regard to his fees. Well no bloody wonder my friend said with admirable understatement when the ghastly truth eventually came out. The point is that when I asked how he could be so sanguine as to the nature of his cuckolding and indeed how he could speak of the dreadful woman with such equanimity, this is what he said. “Simple, Stew, after finding out what she was really like and what she’d been up to, I just don’t love her any more” Well no, I retorted, and I should bloody well think not. Of course you don’t love her, but how on earth can you be so calm when talking or thinking about her? I seemed more agitated when we discussed that bearer of the scarlet letter than he ever did. And do you know what he told me? He said that just because he didn’t love her didn’t mean he hated her. The opposite of love, he told me is not hate it is indifference. And by golly if the scales didn’t fall from my eyes in that instant. The clouds parted, the light of reason shone down and I cried out ‘call me Saul no longer for now my name is Paul’.
He was as correct in what he said as any human being could ever hope to be. If you are sufficiently passionate about the unmasking of our ex-captain and his apparent treachery to indulge yourself in active hatred of him then you obviously still care an awful lot about him. Give it up. Let it go. I am honestly as indifferent to him as every other player in the world who doesn’t play for Arsenal. They exist in some wraith like insubstantial form occupying a kind of football nether world. You know like those things under the mountain in Lord Of The Rings that even Aragorn was shitting himself over. Except not scary. Robin doesn’t scare me. I’m happy for him that he’s finally had a couple of injury free seasons but only in a vague, disconnected, abstract way. I don’t really mind what happens to him. Let him marry the chef if that’s what he wants.
As far as the whole clapping, honour guard mularky is concerned I seem once again to be out of step with popular opinion. My take is we should display our class by applauding the league winners. Precisely in the way we would expect a classy set of away fans to applaud us when we next win the title. Instead of looking like a bunch of whining, snot nosed children who are too emotionally immature to cope with someone else winning instead of them, we should be dignified and unperturbed. I would also like it if our players could stand there and clap them and take a good close look at them and think ‘I want that to be me’. I’d like to think they could use the experience as inspiration to go out there and win the damn thing next time around.
Of course having said that it’s easy for me, I won’t be there. Because naturally the sanctimonious author who just produced a caffeine fuelled rant lecturing you on how to act with adult sangfroid in the face of Red Nose, Judas and all of their revolting little cohorts is too childish and feeble to even bear to watch them play on television. Hypocrisy is a merciless mistress, but I serve her to the best of my ability at every opportunity.
Positively Arsenal 
Stew, you’re a great writer and an example to us all. My mantra for Sunday: Sangfroid, not hate; sangfroid, not hate! If only I had a dog to walk…
LikeLike
Marvellous caffeine-driven article; perhaps many of us should have some of what you’re drinking?!
Agree with the guard of honour thing but what happens after the whistle goes is anyone’s guess. If he plays and Manure get their usual string of sympathetic refereeing decisions then pleasant it won’t be. It’s a remarkably easy pitch to invade and it would only take a small handful of those not planning on visiting the stadium next year to cause a serious incident.
I wouldn’t condone it but I’d understand it. It’s hard to recall an individual who has generated as much bad feeling – the closest I can think of is Sol Campbell. But at least he hadn’t spent the bulk of his career on the treatment table before leaving for his former club’s greatest rivals after a season and a half of outstanding contribution.
Ferdinand from a doomed Leeds to Man U is another. But again, the scale of betrayal doesn’t even begin to come close to that of the Dutch Wonder.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see him left at home with a ‘tactical’ dose of man flu, come the weekend.
Or in his case, Meacuntsosellmelikaprik-eoitis (otherwise known as VP Syndrome) to give the full medical term.
LikeLike
Brilliant! Entertaining and illuminating.
LikeLike
Stew,I’m not sure you know how good you are at this writing lark.
LikeLike
By the way, I would have cut the friendly caterers cocktail sausage off if it was me but we all have different ways of handling things, I hate united and I hate the Dutch skunk but clap em on and play the fuckers off the pitch on Sunday, I think red nose will leave his pet rat at home tbh.
LikeLike
Wonderful Steww!
I agree wholeheartedly with every word and silly bull of that. I haven’t been able to watch them all season either, in fact I can’t remember the last time I did watch ’em. Oh yes, I remember now. The least said about that the better though. I shall have no choice but to watch ’em this weekend though, unless I choose to stand there with a bin bag on me head for 90 minutes. It’s a popular form of protest I hear. Or summat.
To see old Slerguson in full Father Jack mode, on our touchline, is never an edifying sight. Alas, it’s one we have to face. At least one every season. And I agree, it’s one we should face with a little bit of dignity if we can muster it. Their fans have been celebrating the length and breadth of Surrey these last few days. Good luck to ’em. And I could give two hoots about their section of supporters who would sing those awful songs at our great manager. Pond life. I like to think we are better than that. All I care about is the points for Arsenal. I haven’t even mentioned you know who because I don’t even think he’s worth wasting my breath on. Ok then…Rio Ferdinand. #shudders#
LikeLike
Classy writing Steww, you could turn pro at this lark if only you didn’t not hate the gunners.
I agree, the big and mature thing for the club is to give Manu their 5 minutes of respect before the game , then play ’em off the park but let’s all just treat it as a normal 3 point game. Remember our league champs barely manage to beat Reading at home or away.
Harry – loved the Farther Jack resemblance, made me smile a lot!
LikeLike
Andrew
Ever notice how the Old Shattford ‘man flu’ becomes an epidemic just before useless international friendlies?
The kind of ‘friendlies’ that have decimated our teams over the years.
…And yet they all love Darth Ferg.
LikeLike
Steww: You sir are a genius. That ability to be uniquely different, yet you are able to articulate all our emotions, anxieties, hopes, contradictions etc. even better than we can.
As for the football, I suspect almost all gooners have gone past all stages of grief in relation to the skunk. Let us focus on those 3-points.
LikeLike
Steww – did the tealeaves reveal anything about team selection for Sunday. Is it Dean or is it Webb?
I can’t help feeling it would be a little unkind on Webb if he were not allowed to join his teammates in their celebratory fixture.
LikeLike
Another tremendous article, steww. I know of a similar case – the bride and the best man were having an affair and actually sloped off during the celebrations. The husband didn’t deal with it nearly as well as your friend, unfortunately. If someone shows you no respect, just disinvest and walk away. Don’t waste emotion on them.
I have previously advocated studied indifference as the best way to treat JvC, and for the same reasons as you. It’s also in a way the biggest insult of all. However, I must admit that as a relative newcomer to this whole football thing (you and me both, Tom) and never having been able to bear to watch anyone else being crowned, I didn’t realise that the fans’ applause was part of the same tradition as the players’ guard of honour. I thought it was some people’s idea of a generous gesture and recognition that JvC was “right” to jump ship. (There’s a whole blog post which I may write one day about how wrong that use of the word “right” is.) Daft, I know, but I was skimming and if you had seen some of the comments in favour of applauding, you would understand my misapprehension. So until today, I thought we should do the traditional guard of honour, but the fans shouldn’t applaud unless they actually wanted to signal their approval of the traitor and his arrogant, class-free zone of a club.
I agree with almost everything Frank said yesterday, in fact I said the same myself on another blog, though I wouldn’t boo or turn my back because it just feeds the man’s massive ego. But I think nonetheless we should applaud if that’s the done thing – it won’t have any special meaning. Our best revenge will be beating them. Having said that, like steww, I won’t be there either and no-one will get any grief or criticism from me whatever they decide to do.
LikeLike
And well done Bayern – objectionable club but gave the vile Barca a good hiding. Dortmund, I salute you and am rooting for you to reach and win the final.
LikeLike
What Fungunner said. I agree with all of that.
Also…didn’t I read summat about it being the ninja Meerkat’s birthday today?
Birthday Greetings George! (if I’ve got that wrong…ignore me. As per normal).
LikeLike
Thanks for all the kind words. I assumed you’d all want to lynch me after I didn’t insult RVP!
LikeLike
Form the guard of honour.
Offer a derisory smattering of apathetic applause.
Unleash the contempt during the match which follows.
LikeLike
Can someone explain to me? Why do I feel so good about BM thrashing Barcelona?
A small amount of euphoria at BD’s demolition of Real Madrid I can understand. Victory of the underdog, and all that.
But BM?
BM??!!!!***!!!???
Is it:
jealousy at Barca’s consistent success over the past decade;
nausea at the media’s constant fawning over them;
disgust at the campaign their players conducted during the Cesc debacle;
simple schadenfreude;
something deeper and darker altogether?
Please help me.
I’m sure you can, because I know you feel the same.
LikeLike
All of the above Merlot. And also ‘cos they are bunch of diving cheating cunning stunts. With the honourable exception of Messi. I doff my cap to genius. It’s genuinely a privilege to watch that little fella.
LikeLike
All of the above, merlot, all of the above.
LikeLike
merlot, yoru comment about webb was funny. Maybe being the 12th man is reward enough for him.
FunGunner, i was wondering who JvC was for a few seconds 😀
LikeLike
yeah, i would say all of the above too
LikeLike
Top post
Top comments
The sun is out. Maureen is blaming the super expensive squad of players whose trust he has lost for his defeat, the arsenal blog trolls are klip klopping elsewhere I am sure, calling for Klop as well as 442, a return to the seventies, the rest. Whilst ignoring the context of the bundesliga, Klopps humble praise of his players and the Total Football philosophy that they and their club represent. Along with a few others. Whilst ignoring that the German coaches were much inspired by the some of the football they saw in N.London over the last period. Whilst ignoring that after getting beaten by the Arsenal last year that Klopp was inspired to adopt an Arsenalesque half-press to help get his squad through a season of two games a week (last night they went for the full monty!). Predictable passive aggressive gibberish, no need to even look. Dortmund fans spend some farking money making giant billboards to support their club. A vocal and demented minority of arsenal fans spent their money on bill boards slagging of their club that got disfigured by arsenal supporters.
As for Klopp? Great minds…
Btw it was confirmed in the press recently, van Stapleton is on just under £300,000 – in case there was any doubt!
LikeLike
What, Mel said, Stew. You’re fairly good at this writing thing. I’m enjoying it over my morning coffee. I’m such a Yank.
As a late arrival to the Arsenal supporting party, my feelings on RvP are like yours toward your injured friend – outraged and indignant that someone could do such a thing. Empathy, as it were, but not much real anger. But boy do I understand it. I know, though, that our boys will handle it in a classy manner, as befitting a classy club. I expect it will be real motivation, especially for some who were apparently treated with disdain by Mr. Ego Trip when he was with us. I just hope most of the fans show restraint, because I really don’t want to hear all of the media nonsense that will follow any sort of incident. Here’s to 3 points for us and an ass-kicking for the Red Mancs on Sunday.
LikeLike
Great blog lets hope there is more class shown by clapping or folding ones arms than jeering which when the whistle goes for kick of its game on get behind the team let’s rock the 12th man. Fergie will have no sentiment for us he wants 3 points as much as us hes looking at prem points total so let’s spoil the party come on you mighty gunners
LikeLike
Reading the Secrets of Station X at the moment so the Turing mention was uncanny
Very impressed with the energy of both German teams this week and they were at the throats of RM and FCB before the Spaniards realised the whistle had gone.
Early pressure and an early goal – while our Mancunian friends are still swooning in excitement over the GoH strike swiftly
LikeLike
I’m with you on Barca, Merlot. I can’t stand them. Bloody media crowning their brand of football the greatest of all time, etc. My brother and I fell asleep watching a couple of their ‘superclasicos’ against Madrid, boring football on both sides – but I suppose thats just my opinion. Of Spanish football. In general. Including their national team.
LikeLike
Last night the Dortmund kids played as if they were little figures in a video game. The dribbling, the changes of speed, the way they cushioned the ball in order to stop it, the choreographed plays, the improvised plays, it was all fantastic. Instead of congratulating them for how awesome they played, Mourinho sat at the post game press conference speculating whether one of Lewandowski’s goals was offside and whether the penalty was legitimate. That idiot needs to be out of the game.
LikeLike
Blind hatred and bloody murder is the only way for me, Stew. I think your friend should have served his wife a vol au vent with the caterers minced cock and balls as a filling….and made sure she swallowed.
LikeLike
This ‘honour guard’ thing is not the real thing it is a grotesque parody.
LikeLike
In fact if it all kicks off tomorrow then the FA and anyone else involved in it are guilty of incitement.
LikeLike
Of course if it all kicks off tomorrow the players will not be there. Might be more effective for it all to kick off on Sunday
LikeLike
No love nor hate here STEWW. just sadness and anguish for AW who invested so many years working on this punk to have it bear fruits for others. Yet another one succumb to greed.
Let the players be professional and form the guard but have the fans watch in total silance. No applause no cheers no booing. Just surreal silence. That will get the massages across to the scum. And how they won their tin can.
By and by why put milk on your tea. ? Don’t understand this. I don’t .not on coffee either.
Great write-up and sorry to say I missed your radio show yet again due to work. Catch you next week god willing.
LikeLike
@ merlot
All of the above.
It made me laugh to see one of the Barca players who was carded for a shirt tug insisting that Robben had dived. He pretty much did – but the irony of a Barca player complaining about diving was rich indeed.
@ Sensational Arsenal April 25, 2013 at 12:29 pm
You figured it out in the end, though! (insert banned smiley face)
@ Frank April 25, 2013 at 3:28 pm
ha ha!
LikeLike
Finsbury ,which press?
I said from the off ,when I heard City had offered him £300k pw that United would have matched it,when people were telling me if it was about the money he would have chosen City.
I am sick of being proven right about someone being a cunt.It would be nice to be proven right about something positive for a change
LikeLike
Exactly, PG – there is a myth being propagated about him not moving for money. It wasn’t *only* money, but it was definitely about money – for example his people claiming that he “never asked to leave”, therefore didn’t make a transfer request, therefore shouldn’t forgo another chunk of money. He has shown himself capable of greed and duplicity on a world class level.
LikeLike
Not to mention selfishness, arrogance and ingratitude. But hey, we know all this and it’s a lovely day so I am going to enjoy what’s left of the sunshine and let it go. Breathing it out. Phooooooo. Ah, that’s better.
LikeLike
Confirmed yet again. The punk moved for money first and for most. anyone thinking otherwise was just fulling themselves. With manure. Right again.
LikeLike
PG
There were some positively sensible comments yesterday over in ‘holics bar:
http://goonerholic.com/2013/04/a-new-theo-book-t-j-and-the-team-performance/#comment-346972
Reported figure was published in The Independant (23rd).
LikeLike
Happy birthday George.
LikeLike
You are so frikkin good it isn’t funny. HOW do you just roll out such an AMAZING bit of literature?
LikeLike
I tried to write a post, it took me half a day. And it was so shit, it took @PositiveGunner the other half to edit it 😛
LikeLike
Happy birthday George – pleased with your bus pass?
LikeLike
We may meet one day you know.
I am a mere whippersnapper.
LikeLike
“I haven’t seen our erstwhile skipper in the vile red and black because I haven’t watched Man Utd this season.”
Me either, although I tried really hard to get a ticket for the game on Sunday. But my computer froze when I had one in the basket and by the time I rebooted it was gone. With this guard of honour crap, I believe the universe just did me a massive favour! I wouldn’t mind if they’d won it with honour instead of cheating, intimidating referees and fergie-time. I’m sick of the sight of the arrogant turds.
All of the above Merlot, all of the above and more – I must be the only person in the world who doesn’t have time for the poisoned dwarf either – no one says anything about the growth hormones, which obviously have nothing to do with anything.
LikeLike
Happy birthday G · Hope you have had a good
LikeLike
Hay George
Happy b’day and many more. Didn’t know it was your special day, would have got a gift.
Beat you by three days. Hehe.
LikeLike
Nice write up.
I have to confess that I haven’t reached that higher plain of apathy towards Judas. However it would be better for me IF we beat them with him on the field, it might bring some closure.
Regarding the Germans this week ( don’t mention the war ) great stuff. A sea change possibly not, but I get fed up reading/hearing continuously how wonderful Barca and Real are. Also heard that a lot of germans heading towards wembley to put their towels on the seats.
LikeLike
A photographer of whippets George? An honourable profession indeed!
No doubt you’ll be tucking into a glass and a half of your favourite sherry by now …
LikeLike
Happy birthday, George
LikeLike
Actually I am really looking forward to the game on Sunday. Once the unedifying bits are over I reckon it could be a cracker. I have a suspicion that the tricky bit will come in the second half when thingy comes on, because I doubt he will start. Of course the honourable thing for the Mancs to do would be not to bring him along. But then they wouldn’t know the meaning of the word.
LikeLike
Joyeux anniversaire, PG!
Chelsea 1-0 up – and I wasn’t even watching them so I couldn’t have jinxed Basel.
LikeLike