As Manchester United marches inexorably towards the Premier League title leaving us to wait and hope that Manchester City can beat Chelsea and so keep us in touch with our neighbours and fellow strugglers at the bottom of the table, Arsenal fans are left with one question. Why? Why can’t the stubborn management at our club see what is obvious to everybody else. Why is it clear to bloggers, tweeters, callers to Talk Sport and every genuine North London born and bred season ticket holding supporter and yet still beyond the power of the manager and his coaches? Why?
Chelsea won last year’s title by a strict adherence to the tactics of George Graham. Solid uninspiring but effective defensive play with a tough goalscorer and one tricky, skilful or as G G would say ‘luxury’ player. Manchester United have won this season’s title by adhering to Arsenal’s ancient and traditionally proven methodology of winning every game by one goal to nil. Dreary, unimaginative performances from bromidic, prosaic players have brought the crown to Old Trafford and Van Gaal’s legendary status is now assured.
So again, why? Why do we supporters suffer watching a team suffer from the incessant tinkering and all too predictable failures of a man who can never hope to emulate the achievements of a Van Gaal or a Mourinho? Men played out of position, men asked to attempt ludicrous passes within their own area when there are acres of empty spaces in the stands and the opposition half into which they could and surely should propel the ball. Men forced to rely on team mates who prefer to attempt back heels, over head kicks, flicks and assorted trickery more suited to a circus ring than a football pitch. In short, men being asked to pull on the famous red and white and stabbed in the back before they even take to the pitch.
Why? When has it ever worked? When has this fanciful approach to the game ever paid off? How does the club expect to fill the ludicrous white elephant of a stadium which they built in the teeth of opposition from real fans (who can trace more than six generations of their family all born in Islington) when they play this silly foreign style of football? Can they not see how many more trophies we would have won had they remained at Highbury, stuck with Bruce Rioch or better still brought back King George once he’d served his time instead of allowing first Leeds and then our deadliest rivals Spurs to snap him up from under our very noses.
I am tired of being misled, tired of my hard earned money going to BT to pay for the internet I use to watch Russian streams of every game – every game – a small amount of which trickles down via BT Sports to the club I love, tired of this money being squandered on Kronke’s new baseball team or his latest big American car. Anyone who doubts the truth of what I’m saying need only glance at the league table. Where are Arsenal? Where are Man United? Did they win the league by moving to a new stadium? No. Have they won it by keeping their hands in their pockets? By trying to show off instead of by winning one nil? No. They won the 2015/16 Premier League trophy by doing what we used to do so well.
Would they put in the centre of their midfield a player so patently passed his sell by that he misplaced two passes in a pre season friendly? A player so old that he cannot hope to keep up with play? Not in a million years . While we rely on a decrepit Mikel Arteta who couldn’t catch chlamydia at a scout camp they have the classy Michael Carrick. Why? Because they’re a club who believes in success and not failure. Because they spend money on the best players and keep them by rewarding them. While Arsenal are happy to spunk £150,000 of your money on Theo Walcott every week Manchester United have only been paying double that amount to keep Wayne Rooney on their books all these years. Which is why unlike Theo they have been able to keep him. Is he linked with a move to Liverpool every time his contract is up? No. Why? Because Man United put their money where their mouth is and don’t insult their players with cheap pay rises so their owners can get rich while the club falls ever farther into debt.
You don’t need to look to the winners of the league to see how far we’ve fallen. Just look at West Ham. Canny business men, an excellently run club with a ruthless manager who understands the tactics of relying on our rookie keeper making two howling blunders on his début. They have moved to a fantastic new stadium, it hasn’t cost them a penny and they don’t waste time fannying about in European competition. They concentrate instead on what really matters and the result has spoken for itself. Just look at the table. It never lies.
We have spent too long in the shadows of other clubs. Just for example, take the supporters from on Merseyside. They have little to shout about, no jobs, poor housing, bad diet and awful role models like Cilla Black and Jimmy Tarbuck. But they fight to overcome their impoverished and humble beginnings. Last season Liverpool fans chartered a plane to fly over the ground on match day demanding the manager be sacked – that’s what I call support. Just yesterday their poor relations (if you can imagine such a concept) went one better when Everton fans hired a helicopter to abuse the owner of their club. What do our so called fans do? Bin bags. It’s pathetic.
So what is next for Arsenal? We can sit and ask why until we’re blue in the face but it won’t change the disastrous result of this season nor the inevitable disasters of next season. We can whine about it, of course. That is every proper fan’s right. As long as your ancestors hunted sabre tooth tigers across the Anglian ice sheet in Precambrian North London and your family have never moved from the area since then it is your birthright to hold Arsenal to account and to complain about every and any aspect of the running of the club both on and off the field, both real and imaginary. In fact it is your duty to remorselessly uncover and expose every failing of the team, manager, coaches and medical staff. Ask yourself, if Mourinho won’t stand for hopeless doctors why should you? You shouldn’t confine your protest to the internet. You should encourage anti Arsenal songs on the terraces. You should have banners made and unfurl them with pride every time the opposition scores. You should never be afraid to show your true support and how much you worship the Arsenal. It isn’t enough to have a utility bill with an N7 postcode you also need to get out there and put your hatred of the club you love into action.
Always remember your opponents, the enemy within, have no answer to your crusade. Those Wenger loving parasites have never walked up the Holloway road in the pouring rain, have never tasted a doner from the Hornsey Kebab And Burger. No, they all live in Thailand or, God help us, America and simply do not understand what it means to love the club your Dad supported and his Dad before him. And don’t tell me they’re proper fans just because they once drove up the interstate to watch a pre season friendly – with the size of their cars and the cheap price of petrol over there that hardly constitutes commitment does it?
So if you want your Arsenal back, if you want us to have a hope against Palace this afternoon and if you want any chance that there will even be a club for your grandson to watch then you need to do something about it. One, do not move house. You have to live within walking distance of the ground to even hold an opinion. Two, let the team know how unhappy you are – groaning is not enough you need to get off your lazy backside and boo. Three, phone Talk Sport. I cannot emphasis strongly enough how important this is, the best show to call is hosted by Adrian Durham, he talks nothing but common sense.
Anyway back to the match, my good friend Gillespie Road Gary emailed me his predictions regarding the team selection and scores, here they are.
All right Stew? Here’s the line up I would hope to see today:
Szczęsny (should never of sold him, Cech has been a disaster)
Bellerin (didn’t put a foot wrong why was he dropped? now bound to go back to Barcelona – well done Arsen you just lost another one)
Gabriel Paulista (time to retire the Big Slow Fucking Useless German)
Koscielny (accident prone – remember the League Cup final? – but of course we haven’t signed a replacement have we so we’re stuck with him)
Gibbs (English – why would Wenger favour the Spanish national team by picking Monreal? Why haven’t we won the World Cup since he came to the country? Think about it)
Schneiderlin (except of course we let him go to Man United didn’t we?)
Hayden (the boy is ready, we all saw him at the Emirates Cup, should never of been allowed out on loan)
That French kid that looked good in pre season.
Walcott (have to pick him now we’re giving him all that money)
Chamberlain (English – see Gibbs)
Wellbeck (English and even injured he has to be better than Giroo)
um how many is that, hang on, oh shit I missed out Sanchez.
I predict we’ll lose 3 – 0.
Cheers,
Gary.
Enjoy the match, I’ll be in the Two Brewers in Gloucester Road for a few pints before kick off if you want to meet to discuss possible anti Wenger chants and compare banners. You should recognise me I’ll be wearing the JVC yellow away shirt and I have my postcode tattooed on my forehead.
Positively Arsenal 
A very entertaining if sad piece. The sad part Steww is that you felt the need to react to the low end of the football and general IQ spectrum. These ‘little Highbury and Islingtoners’ are too stupid to realise their club would not be in the Premier League if it had to rely only on their support. You describe the UKippers of football. These people are incapable of civilised debate because their world requires scapegoating in order to make sense.
Our team will start to click, probably today, and boy it’s going to be great to behold……
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Fucking hell.
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Brilliant!!!Captured exactly whats been going on this week…
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Nice one Steww.
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Way to make every other writer just give up. Far too good.
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Sorry stew, you had me wandering off to the dictionary after the first paragraph.
I’d be laughing at the blog, except that these fucknuts aren’t funny at all.
The level of stupid in our fan base is staggering, I blame decades of lead poisoning from heavy traffic on the Holloway Road.
Today’s the first day of the season, again.
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Where is the wistful meanderings of the normal Happy Steww. Of course your 100% right and being anti Arsene and modern ARSENAL is a sort of right of passage for some of these goons but it shouldn’t detract us from enjoying what we love our club and our football COYG
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A very comprehensive and typically brilliantly readable article, superbly entertaining and a very enjoyable piece – thank you so much for that.
Agree with GP – there IS a sadness associated with this read but it’s match day and kick off is just a few short hours away, so time to look forward to what will doubtless feel like another tough examination in the white hot furnace of a London derby – our third in three weeks!
At this point I’d happily take three points from one flukey goal and United-like stats of one goal from zero shots on target.
Who am I kidding?
COYGs!
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Heyyyy.
I’m a local fan, and I’d just like to say that this is also a local club for local people. Ok.
I’m also against Modern Football but I support Jose Mourinho and his Special Agent pals and the clubs they work with, the kind of clubs owned by ginormous petro-corporations that have a need to flush some cash through London’s stock and property market.
Some people have a phone with their thumbprint in it, I have my postcode tatooed upon my forehead. What’s wrong with that I ask you?
UTA
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Not that I’ve read it, but the Sun is running a piece to discredit Chelsea’s former touch line medical doctor, this morning.
It wouldn’t surprise me if someone at that club was behind this.
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Hehe!
There’s a reason I called my football avatar finsburyparker and it was described above by Steww above better then I could. A pre-emptive strike! Against finding myself attempting to discuss the footy with a bigoted bitter idiot! Better things to do with my time…
But that was many moons ago. And since then the club has been through a cycle of breaking apart and rebuilding a squad, with success. This informs us that the dysphoria exhibited has sweet FA (cup) relation to what happens upon the pitch. Divorced from the sport.
Absolutely nothing to do with the Football.
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Can’t imagine why Newscorp would be so protective towards a petro-club’s PR.
Which if may add to Steww’s account of Chelsea’s “style” last season depended upon a number of ‘keeping howlers from the opposition including Begovic if I recall correctly.
Nope. Not one reason springs to minds for their support of this odious entity.
It’s a mystery!
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If people started to talk about the diving in every game , one or two hacks have mentioned it but not in a press conference, Mourinho’s team would find themselves up the creek.
“Quick, hack into her phone….!”
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My god. For a couple of hours before going to bed last night, I fantasised about the deep, gorgeous journey I’d be taken upon awakement. I made sure that I merely had to stretch my arm in order to get my match day reading fix.
Bad enough that even without night time cheese fests – I still have the ****ing weirdest dreams! I found myself reading a nightmare. Is this comedy, “Macky-argh-whathisname”, or am I having another stupid, ironic pre wake up dream where the twatteratti have taken over my inner asylum?
Well, it bloody woke me up, and I now realise my semi-shock. Fact is, whilst I diligently avoided pretty much anything to do with post last Sundays game, (that explosion in china, or thousands of people leaving their country’s are real disasters), I guess I should know what’s really going on in part of the goonersphere.
Even the effing washed-out, non hi-risk red, photoshopped? picture accompanying this article is brilliant in its creativity/misery.
Either side of placard reading “careful now”, is it my imagination or bad eyesight – I’m reading “Hate Office”.
Anyway, brilliant article. I’m ****ing awake now!
Come on Gunners.
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Email G R Gary and tell him it’s HAVE…
Great piece, Stew
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And that sums it all up!
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Brilliant, Steww, just brilliant. I haven’t finished reading this classic piece of satire but I was so tickled by Steww’s reference to overseas fans, like miself, that I nearly pissed myself when I read the following sentence:
“No, they all live in Thailand or, God help us, America and simply do not understand what it means to love the club your Dad supported and his Dad before him. And don’t tell me they’re proper fans just because they once drove up the interstate to watch a pre season friendly – with the size of their cars and the cheap price of petrol over there that hardly constitutes commitment does it?”
Priceless.
Now where is Alabama Gooner?
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So Arsene has made a mug of all the twitter managers with his team selection. Ramsey wide-right and Giroud as striker. Who would have thunk that?
But I forget, we are “watching a team suffer from the incessant tinkering and all too predictable failures of a man who can never hope to emulate the achievements of a Van Gaal or a Mourinho.” Mind you, none of them had an Invincible season or had their hands tied in the transfer market while the club build a stadium
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Shotta – he’s returned to what works.
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I’m here, Shotta. And loving this piece, Stew. Satire always wins!
Let’s go boys. Shut them all up, and do this thing!
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Pushing the envelope Steww ?
Defaecating in the envelope and stamping on it
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Good start from the Gunners.
Could’ve been, should’ve been 0-2 up after ten!
COYG
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woah!
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Blimey
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15 minutes, Giroud with a great volley finish from an Ozil cross.
no more than AFC deserve, Alexis has messed up two great chances so far.
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Not bad for lump ridden cart horse
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27 minutes 1-1
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The worrying thing about Cech’s poor goalkeeping isn’t a lack of athleticism which you might expect from an older man, it’s his positioning which is so bad. With his experience you just don’t expect that.
Ospina must wonder what on earth he did so wrong.
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Hector is sparkling today
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HT: 1-1
Coquelin lucky to not have been given a second yellow just before half time. Might be a good idea to bring on OX for him and move Ramsey into CM.
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We should be up by at least three. Alexis missed two sitters.
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Coquelin didn’t get a second yellow because the first one was such a soft one.
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Excellent blog, Steww. I can live with satire all day long.
As for the game, a combination of factors have contrived to ensure I can’t watch it live. I’m relying on the comments here to ‘know’ how the game is panning out so far. Arsenal Player is providing audio coverage which is as close as I’ve gotten to following the match.
Here’s to a three point stellar performance nonetheless.
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Excellent. Not sure about Gloucester Rd mind…
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A very pleasing offensive performance in the first half although , blinding obvious though it is, it should be 2-3 up
Let’s get the job done
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47 minutes, Palace hit the post
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54 minutes after good build up play Bellerin cross headed by Alexis, hits off a defender and in, 2-1
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have to get Coquelin off before he is sent off
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63 minutes, Ox on for Coq
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Ramsey gone CM
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74 minutes, Arteta on for Alexis
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82 minutes Gibbs on for Ozil
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85 minutes Much heads over from five yards out, Cech tussling with an attacker at the time.
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88 minutes, Arteta with a vital tackle in our area, Cech saves from the corner.
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3 minutes of stoppage time to be played
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FT: 2-1
AFC should have scored five or six today, but a win is a win is a win.
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Never remotely in question – only a matter of how many – fair play to Palace though – very plucky
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the AAA will not be happy, as Arteta was very good when he came on,
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exactly eduardo, i was really looking forward to Arteta’s comeback he played beautifully..i pity those who cannot see what he brings to the team.
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