Excuse me if I suddenly introduce random sections of dialogue or bizarrely inappropriate and entirely fictitious paragraphs into this narrative. You see it’s National Novel Writing Month and I’m attempting to put down an average of 2000 words a day in order to complete the ludicrous task of writing a book in a single calendar month. Penning this little piece in the middle of such insanity is a curious diversion but here goes nonetheless. I thought it only fair to warn you so you will understand if Tomáš Rosický appears to spend an inordinate amount of the match gazing into Santi Cazorla’s smouldering eyes as thunder rolls ominously overhead and dark clouds, pregnant with the threat of rain, blanket the world under a grey and purple bruise.
Sorry.
It’s five minutes in and I leave the novelling to check the match. Already Dortmund have shown their threat. They are pressing us high up the pitch, knowing we like to play out of a tight corner with intricate passes On the one occasion they’ve caught us out they struck with a cobra like swiftness and Per just cleared at the last gasp. We on the other hand are taking up where we left off against Liverpool, closing them on the halfway line hoping to nick it back and move through their midfield with crisp passing. It looks like the perfect contest between two very good teams. I hope the match measures up.
Our undoing last time was, according to Le Gaffer, that we did not want to settle for a draw and in our impatience to get the winner we left ourselves open to a quick counter. I can’t fault the analysis and it would explain why BVB are happy to play keep ball at the back hoping to tempt us out. 13 minutes gone and still all square. Aron, Santi and Tomas look very sharp and Giroud doing his thing of joining the dots but as yet we’ve been suffocated out of it at every turn.
Oh blimey, they nearly scored from a knock down after a free kick just as I was contemplating why there are no significant female characters in my story yet. 11,000 words in and still all blokes. Is it a deep seated and hitherto unsuspected misogynistic bent I’ve been harbouring all these years? Or is it too much time writing about the all male environment of premier league football? We seem to be trying to quieten the crowd, keep the ball and take the sting out of the game – the oldest clichés in the ‘playing away from home in European Competition’ book. To be fair if impatient over enthusiasm cost us last time it is probably the only sensible tactic. Plus when one considers the statistical fact the the overwhelming majority of goals in a football match are scored in the second half, all good teams take it steady in the first to ensure they have enough left in the tank for that crucial phase of the game.
Having said that this Dortmund team are quick and inventive on the break so we need to be at our most vigilant when we lose the ball. Mesut just failed to get onto the end of Giroud’s pass but a little space around their area is at least encouraging. 26 minutes gone I need a cup of tea, back in a mo. If we score while I’m in the kitchen it’s my goal.
I’m back. Look at Tomáš go! He left that geezer for dead. Shame about Mesut’s free kick. Least said I think. And the least said about Mesut giving it away for that counter the better too. Thank God for the elegant genius of Per Mertesacker, he just snuffed out another very dangerous attack. 31 minutes. All square, them on top in terms of chances. I think I might kill off one of my characters soon. I’ve given them all pretty tragic back stories but none of them has actually gone through the final wringer themselves yet. It’s supposed to be one of the tenets of writing fiction that you put your characters through hell at every opportunity.
Christ that was close. Some bloke with an unpronounceable name really should have scored, he tried to place it with Ramsey like calm into the far corner with only Szczęsny to beat but pushed it wide. We need to close down earlier, cannot have Mikel Arteta chasing these speedy guys. 38 minutes gone and Dortmund are treating my heart rate like I plan to deal with a couple of unlucky characters in my novel.
Better. We’ve started getting tight to them around the half way line and cutting out the supply to those pesky forwards. Lewandowski booked for a cynical trip on Aaron, the situation forced by us stepping things up in the middle. We’re trying hard to get the fast one touch stuff going but it’s all just a little rushed, a little stretched and not assured. Right now with three minutes left to half time I’ll take nil nil. Fuck sake, some bloke trying to get Gibbs booked after a nothing challenge. I hate to see that above almost anything else. Beardy yellow shirted twat.
OK so it’s half time and the plot remains much as it was at kick off. We should, I feel forget the sting of the defeat in the match at the Ems and realise that a draw would actually be fine for us. We then need only to match Dortmund in the remaining fixtures to stay top. Unless they go and lose all their remaining games of course then we need to do more than just match them but I’m sure you know what I mean. Gung Ho not the order of the day, of course you need to keep threatening even if a draw is good enough, it’s no good to play for the point and invite them onto us all day. Keep them with half an eye on their back door and you keep them honest I say. I might have a look at Twitter in the break. The wisdom there is anything less than a 10 – 0 lead at half time is always a disaster. It’s part of the English disease. Patience being the most vital commodity in the modern game and the hardest lesson for some people to learn.
49 minutes gone and Per is penalised for the best tackle of the game. Reus’s header is cleared by Szczęsny at full stretch. Would have been horribly unfair after such a harsh free kick. Brilliant save from Szczęsny moments later and then some bloke bangs it in from an offside position. We need to tighten up here, they are passing to each other while we are looping it hopefully in the vague direction of a team mate and that’s making the difference. Arteta is walking a very fine line tonight with this referee, I wonder if he’ll last the ninety. 53 minutes gone, free kick BVB, Reus high and horribly off target.
Still raining outside. Hope it stops tomorrow I’m cycling to work and hate getting wet before I even start.57 minutes gone and Bac has kicked some surf dude in the head. Still 0 – 0.
An hour in and we see one of the most beautiful sights in football as Tomáš Rosický curves a pass diagonally across the width of the pitch with the outside of his boot. Shame Giroud tried to pass through a defender instead of shooting, but oh my! YES! Just as I type this Ramsey stoops to conquer. 1 – 0 Arsenal. An untidy goal and one we hardly deserved but now we truly have something to defend. Just how good a season is our Welsh dynamo having? So often in the right place and putting his head in harms way there as the boots were flying.
64 minutes in and an incredible pass from Giroud to Aaron who for once is kept out by the defender. Per falls like a tree in their area but fails to connect and they nearly undo us on the counter. 1 – 0 Arsenal. My tea has gone cold. This is an excellent rehearsal for the Man U game who surely cannot be as good as Dortmund. No one has closed us down as well as these guys and no one has threatened as they have and I can’t imagine the domestic side that can.
20 minutes to go and we look fresh and sharp now. BVB making a change bringing on some bloke and I assume taking some other geezer off. No – correction, they’re swapping two not just one. We respond with our all action left sided super sub Nacho Man for the tiring Santi who has been back to something like his best tonight.
15 to go and I hope we don’t sit too deep for the remainder of the game. I’m a tired old man and I can’t cope with a long siege. My ticker won’t stand it.
Aaron wins a free kick in promising position but Kos is taken out by their keeper in a hideous assault. Per is absolutely furious berating the ref like a savage electricity pylon but the officials saw nothing wrong with the Kung Fu attack. Down to ten men. Tense times. 10 minutes to go, Kos is OK. Thank God. Or Buddha. Or chemical chance. Whatever, he’s OK.
What I wouldn’t give for a flying Theo to keep them on the back foot right now.
7 minutes to go. My stream goes down. Bollocks.
Found another one but it’s bloody English commentary and they’re banging on about Big Nic Bendtner and how crap he was against Chelsea. The fuck is wrong with these people? OK I have a better one and these guys sound Dutch, much better.
Big Nic on.
1 to go plus injury time.
1 – 0 Arsenal.
BVB’s famous fans leaving early.
Tomáš Rosický off, TV5 on. The rain outside grows heavier. There’s something scratching at the window, I peer through the rivulets that run down the glass, there’s a shadow just beyond the weak pool of light, is it a face? It’s hard to tell, the dog at my feet stirs, an insistent banging noise starts from the darkened garden, the shed door? I can’t be certain. The candle flickers, but where did the breeze come from with all the doors and windows bolted shut? I shiver, I must be imagining things. But it does seem suddenly cold. There’s a creak on the floor board behind me, the dog is snarling now , I turn
Positively Arsenal 
arsenal andrew
we dont need a rvp to be championship contender. he never won anything for us and i am not sure he knows how to win one. he only jioned a team who was already winning trophies to win it.
this is the same rvp that gave wenger conditions before he can extend his contract. and one of the condition is that wenger must sell ramsey and buy van dar vaat. we dont need egos in this team. this team play for each other. so a rvp has no place here.
what we need is a replacement for giroud. and i am sure poldi with do fine when he is back.
ramsey for ballon d’or!
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@layksite at 1:22 pm
“the condition is that wenger must sell ramsey and buy van dar vaat.” How do you know this? Please let’s not slip into the same realms of LeGrove and other similar sites…..
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Layksite – I wasn’t suggesting we now need RvP but merely making the point we would have been a lot closer to challenging Manure last season had a) we hung on to him and b) they’d not got him. In other words, as a squad we were actually a lot closer to winning stuff than some would have us believe. An extra frontman to share Giroud’s role of a similar or greater quality to Olivier could well be all it takes this season.
Last night’s terrific performance can only help Arsene in this respect, in my view.
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i have read him several times saying he told wenger to buy van dar vaat. i also know he doesnt like rambo.
in his message for the fans, he said he hasnt discuss wages with arsenal but on the way forward for the club. and one is about the playing staff.
in any case, we dont need anybody to order us around anymore. giroud is that selfless striker we need, not one that want everybody to pass the ball to him and make us a one man team.
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Wilshere called up for international duty. Bollocks
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Georgaki
I’ve heard that same story about JvC and Rambo as well.
It may be an urban myth, or a meme that we use to post-justify further opprobrium upon the traitor.
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lol gerogaki ,..haha nothing bad with wanting to humiliate them twats and their WRONG opinions. worse than spuds…..
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So Wenger gets no credit for adding Bould to the academy first and then to his coaching staff? If you listen to these morons, you’d think Bould came to practice one day and just took over for Wenger.
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aa
there is nothing we could have done hanging on to a cunt who doesnt want to play for us. it is players like him that never allowed this team to settle and win trophies. how do you think this team would have fared this season if players like giroud cazorla and koscielny had left.
sagna is in his final season same with rosicky, but they have not taken to twitter or facebook telling the whole world they are not going to renew their contract. and worse still he was the captain at the time. he clearly made the job more difficult for us.
i dont want to hear anything about this guy. we need striker, world class striker like giroud or henry not rvp. please!
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Hey Hunter
Have you made me into an old man, gero-Gaki?
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no no sir just a typing mistake …i apologise for any distress caused.
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There ain’t much that can distress me today…not after last night. The benefits of your team creating so much joy……
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Well the point is the end of era narrative was not an invention of one, or two, or three blogs who decided to say something alarming, but the accepted conventional wisdom of the mass of mainstream media, a fair chunk (albeit minority) of Arsenal support and 99% of other club’s supporters. It was the done thing. And when we laugh at it, really laugh, belly laugh, it is not about another or any blog. It is about an incredible story.
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woy is a joke. how the hell can he call jack. after all england have many world class midfielders. cleverley, lampard, gerrard, carrick barry, young.
why call jack if the fa cant protect him in games when he recieves kick everywhere.
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Layksite
I have at no point suggested we could have hung on to RvP.
Nor have I suggested we get him back.
Are you deliberately trying to misconstrue my points?
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Layksite, it seems if jack plays against manure he will definitely join up with team England but if not Roy may let him off depending on medical reports. A question for arsene.
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ZimPaul
November 7, 2013 at 2:23 pm
so…our fans and bloggers are sheep (??)
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Well, yes Hunter. Many people are you know. Some know it, some don’t.
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I don’t know about you lot, but I think RvP would make a fine squad player at Arsenal for a season, deputise for Giroo and come from the bench from time to time, bit of an impact chap.
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I mean really most people don’t actually think through. They go for least risk personal options. It’s how collective psychology works.
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Definitely how the media work ZimPaul – you only had to witness the panic in Rednap Junior’s face when he realised he was out of kilter with Gary Neville and Michael Ballack on Sky during and after last night’s game. Would make an interesting case study.
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It’s a mighty game on Sunday, not for us, not decisive either way technically speaking, but for Yoo. A win revives a flagging season. A draw draws it out. A defeat confirms new found status as public entertainment. But because it is for them, it is for us, because these are after all, the reigning champions, and we must beat them. For Wenger it is about the team that ended the 49-match run and launched a sustained spell at the top, and like all cycles it must end, but also be seen to end.
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Anybody got the video where Jamie Redknapp is made to shift uncomfortably by Gary neville yesterday?
Also, could someone tell me how to embed videos?
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aa
i’m sorry, you’re my man. i just hate to hear that name.
if we use jack on sunday, does that mean he is fit enough to play two games in a week? it is a meaningless friendly.
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well zim i would have thought that wenger’s class and open mindness would transmit to our neanderthal fans and bloggers but i guess im alone in that..lol…
i agree that we have to suffocate manure…. we need to shut peoples mouths as well as kill any hope they have of reviving their season…
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Layksite – don’t think any of us are too keen on that name tbh 🙂
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Oops, sorry, delete banned smiley thing.
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You would really despair at Wenger and the Board’s lack of ambition, wouldn’t you?
ha ha fuckity ha.
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of course dc…from highbury to emirates…what kind of ambition is that? criminals!!….
we could have stayed there and keep paying vieira henry etc till their 40s like united….thats ambition!!
muahafuckityha
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End of an era , my ass.
If you thought ARSENAL was doing well till now wait for THEO, POLDI, GNABRY & FLAMINI come back into the fold. We shall do a pool number on manure and put moysee out of his misery and the granny shagger for that matter.
Shame on those snake in the grass type basterds that facilitated their blogs atmosphere in such a way to let the sheep have their say. Shame on the whole lot of them. Sellouts to the Uzbek and the ast. Eshmooks.
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In the slightly larger scale of things the emergence of KosPer (Casper the ghost?) as the cream of defensive units, with Sagna and Gibbs alongside, heir to a famous earlier generation of feared Arsenal hardmen is really interesting. It really is, or seems to be, the first back four since the Adams/Keown/Winterburn then Cole/whatshisname (left back), then Lauren, legends to be performing at that level, and with all respect to the many fine CBs that have graced Arsenal side’s since. It’s …. notable.
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It is of course the end of an era. SAF is gawn. gawn, gawn.
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^^^^ POETRY^^^^
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I missed out Sol of course.
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Wenger’s class and open-mindedness have translated and filtered to a good third of fans, but they are largely “the silent”. All things go in thirds. You may rest assured that one third of Arsenal fans are true, one third are turds, and one third are fair weather. And then there’s the away support, shock troops, mag-fucking-nificent! Love them.
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Per hit a new high last night. He took command. They shall not pass. I doubt he will look back. His play is thing of beauty, making the obvious but difficult look easy.
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A few too many Arsenal fans lack ambition, to be the best fans in the world AND be able to offer a critical appraisal of a match, a move. Their lack of ambition is glaring. They would do well to take a leaf from the Aaron Ramsey hymnbook and ask if he can come back from that and do this, maybe we can be 12th man and sing as one terrific force for 90 minutes.
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Where on earth is Frank? If reading Frank old stick, know you are loved.
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one third are turds
lol…well put ! as for the 12th man …we need to first take control of our own ground and let them stewards know that this is “our home and we do what we want”
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And at times like this I think of Poliziano. I suspect he may have become ill or moved somewhere or retired or resting. Either way you mischievous old rapier wit, some kind of philosopher-warrior, your team have done you proud. You were right all along.
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This is the average Arsenal fan. One day he’s singing we’re top of the league and the next he’s saying Bendtner ain’t fit to wear the shirt.
This guy is supposed to be some type of super fan or some shit like that. Personally, I would have smacked him in the mouth a few times for being such glory hunting twat.
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ZUMPAUL
hahaha, spot on. I have always said this, LONG LIVE THE AWAY SUPPORT.
a breed onto their own….
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having an appearance like that and engaging in media to show off would indicate serious psychological problems.
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usually when you look like that or seem to have such an alternative attitude/style the last thing you do is talk to fucking cameras….lol….
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He is a little scary lookin. I would say codin. Maybe the big H.
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You should hear him talking tactics. He’s like an Ak-47 loaded with every cliche you hear on the analysis shows.
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Great piece, Stew, as is always the case. I too am awed at how you can write such prose while in the heat of the match. I had to follow the game on Player while at work, and I think I owe my employer that two hours of time back. I don’t even remember what I was trying to accomplish at the time. Good thing my work gets reviewed…
I was determined to watch my recording of the game before bed last night, so I curled up in my pyjamas with the dog about 10pm and settled down to watch. And I was struck by something. When I listened to the game, I felt nervy and on edge, a feeling that was reflected to me by the commentary I was listening to. It wasn’t negative, (it was Arsenal Player after all), but there was lamenting of a first half with no shots, a Dortmund team on the ascendency, a little bit frayed nerves…at least until Rambo scored. When I watched the game though, (admittedly through the prism of knowing the outcome), the first thing I noticed was that the boys looked calm. Focused, intense, determined, angry on occasion, but never rattled. Never did they look as if things were not going to plan. They knew what to do, and they did it as a unit. We may have been nervous and jumpy but they were not. That is the face of this team, now. “Stand back, and watch us do what we have to do.” It’s beautiful.
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Gainsbourg69
November 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm
with lots of “innit” and “yaknows” and my favourite “endofthadaey” i bet…..
i am reading martin samuel (im a mazochist i know) and how he brands arsenal a club accepting systemic failure under wenger the last 7 years……. 🙂
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I remember FRANK. a fine gooner. Must have gone to the dark side, again. 😉
I would if I could adopt AARON as my son. Model kid with tremendous GRIT.
and so intelligent. cue FINS
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Post some highlights and good music like the carpenters and breakout the twelve pack. Lets celebrate. WOOOOHOOO
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