Excuse me if I suddenly introduce random sections of dialogue or bizarrely inappropriate and entirely fictitious paragraphs into this narrative. You see it’s National Novel Writing Month and I’m attempting to put down an average of 2000 words a day in order to complete the ludicrous task of writing a book in a single calendar month. Penning this little piece in the middle of such insanity is a curious diversion but here goes nonetheless. I thought it only fair to warn you so you will understand if Tomáš Rosický appears to spend an inordinate amount of the match gazing into Santi Cazorla’s smouldering eyes as thunder rolls ominously overhead and dark clouds, pregnant with the threat of rain, blanket the world under a grey and purple bruise.
Sorry.
It’s five minutes in and I leave the novelling to check the match. Already Dortmund have shown their threat. They are pressing us high up the pitch, knowing we like to play out of a tight corner with intricate passes On the one occasion they’ve caught us out they struck with a cobra like swiftness and Per just cleared at the last gasp. We on the other hand are taking up where we left off against Liverpool, closing them on the halfway line hoping to nick it back and move through their midfield with crisp passing. It looks like the perfect contest between two very good teams. I hope the match measures up.
Our undoing last time was, according to Le Gaffer, that we did not want to settle for a draw and in our impatience to get the winner we left ourselves open to a quick counter. I can’t fault the analysis and it would explain why BVB are happy to play keep ball at the back hoping to tempt us out. 13 minutes gone and still all square. Aron, Santi and Tomas look very sharp and Giroud doing his thing of joining the dots but as yet we’ve been suffocated out of it at every turn.
Oh blimey, they nearly scored from a knock down after a free kick just as I was contemplating why there are no significant female characters in my story yet. 11,000 words in and still all blokes. Is it a deep seated and hitherto unsuspected misogynistic bent I’ve been harbouring all these years? Or is it too much time writing about the all male environment of premier league football? We seem to be trying to quieten the crowd, keep the ball and take the sting out of the game – the oldest clichés in the ‘playing away from home in European Competition’ book. To be fair if impatient over enthusiasm cost us last time it is probably the only sensible tactic. Plus when one considers the statistical fact the the overwhelming majority of goals in a football match are scored in the second half, all good teams take it steady in the first to ensure they have enough left in the tank for that crucial phase of the game.
Having said that this Dortmund team are quick and inventive on the break so we need to be at our most vigilant when we lose the ball. Mesut just failed to get onto the end of Giroud’s pass but a little space around their area is at least encouraging. 26 minutes gone I need a cup of tea, back in a mo. If we score while I’m in the kitchen it’s my goal.
I’m back. Look at Tomáš go! He left that geezer for dead. Shame about Mesut’s free kick. Least said I think. And the least said about Mesut giving it away for that counter the better too. Thank God for the elegant genius of Per Mertesacker, he just snuffed out another very dangerous attack. 31 minutes. All square, them on top in terms of chances. I think I might kill off one of my characters soon. I’ve given them all pretty tragic back stories but none of them has actually gone through the final wringer themselves yet. It’s supposed to be one of the tenets of writing fiction that you put your characters through hell at every opportunity.
Christ that was close. Some bloke with an unpronounceable name really should have scored, he tried to place it with Ramsey like calm into the far corner with only Szczęsny to beat but pushed it wide. We need to close down earlier, cannot have Mikel Arteta chasing these speedy guys. 38 minutes gone and Dortmund are treating my heart rate like I plan to deal with a couple of unlucky characters in my novel.
Better. We’ve started getting tight to them around the half way line and cutting out the supply to those pesky forwards. Lewandowski booked for a cynical trip on Aaron, the situation forced by us stepping things up in the middle. We’re trying hard to get the fast one touch stuff going but it’s all just a little rushed, a little stretched and not assured. Right now with three minutes left to half time I’ll take nil nil. Fuck sake, some bloke trying to get Gibbs booked after a nothing challenge. I hate to see that above almost anything else. Beardy yellow shirted twat.
OK so it’s half time and the plot remains much as it was at kick off. We should, I feel forget the sting of the defeat in the match at the Ems and realise that a draw would actually be fine for us. We then need only to match Dortmund in the remaining fixtures to stay top. Unless they go and lose all their remaining games of course then we need to do more than just match them but I’m sure you know what I mean. Gung Ho not the order of the day, of course you need to keep threatening even if a draw is good enough, it’s no good to play for the point and invite them onto us all day. Keep them with half an eye on their back door and you keep them honest I say. I might have a look at Twitter in the break. The wisdom there is anything less than a 10 – 0 lead at half time is always a disaster. It’s part of the English disease. Patience being the most vital commodity in the modern game and the hardest lesson for some people to learn.
49 minutes gone and Per is penalised for the best tackle of the game. Reus’s header is cleared by Szczęsny at full stretch. Would have been horribly unfair after such a harsh free kick. Brilliant save from Szczęsny moments later and then some bloke bangs it in from an offside position. We need to tighten up here, they are passing to each other while we are looping it hopefully in the vague direction of a team mate and that’s making the difference. Arteta is walking a very fine line tonight with this referee, I wonder if he’ll last the ninety. 53 minutes gone, free kick BVB, Reus high and horribly off target.
Still raining outside. Hope it stops tomorrow I’m cycling to work and hate getting wet before I even start.57 minutes gone and Bac has kicked some surf dude in the head. Still 0 – 0.
An hour in and we see one of the most beautiful sights in football as Tomáš Rosický curves a pass diagonally across the width of the pitch with the outside of his boot. Shame Giroud tried to pass through a defender instead of shooting, but oh my! YES! Just as I type this Ramsey stoops to conquer. 1 – 0 Arsenal. An untidy goal and one we hardly deserved but now we truly have something to defend. Just how good a season is our Welsh dynamo having? So often in the right place and putting his head in harms way there as the boots were flying.
64 minutes in and an incredible pass from Giroud to Aaron who for once is kept out by the defender. Per falls like a tree in their area but fails to connect and they nearly undo us on the counter. 1 – 0 Arsenal. My tea has gone cold. This is an excellent rehearsal for the Man U game who surely cannot be as good as Dortmund. No one has closed us down as well as these guys and no one has threatened as they have and I can’t imagine the domestic side that can.
20 minutes to go and we look fresh and sharp now. BVB making a change bringing on some bloke and I assume taking some other geezer off. No – correction, they’re swapping two not just one. We respond with our all action left sided super sub Nacho Man for the tiring Santi who has been back to something like his best tonight.
15 to go and I hope we don’t sit too deep for the remainder of the game. I’m a tired old man and I can’t cope with a long siege. My ticker won’t stand it.
Aaron wins a free kick in promising position but Kos is taken out by their keeper in a hideous assault. Per is absolutely furious berating the ref like a savage electricity pylon but the officials saw nothing wrong with the Kung Fu attack. Down to ten men. Tense times. 10 minutes to go, Kos is OK. Thank God. Or Buddha. Or chemical chance. Whatever, he’s OK.
What I wouldn’t give for a flying Theo to keep them on the back foot right now.
7 minutes to go. My stream goes down. Bollocks.
Found another one but it’s bloody English commentary and they’re banging on about Big Nic Bendtner and how crap he was against Chelsea. The fuck is wrong with these people? OK I have a better one and these guys sound Dutch, much better.
Big Nic on.
1 to go plus injury time.
1 – 0 Arsenal.
BVB’s famous fans leaving early.
Tomáš Rosický off, TV5 on. The rain outside grows heavier. There’s something scratching at the window, I peer through the rivulets that run down the glass, there’s a shadow just beyond the weak pool of light, is it a face? It’s hard to tell, the dog at my feet stirs, an insistent banging noise starts from the darkened garden, the shed door? I can’t be certain. The candle flickers, but where did the breeze come from with all the doors and windows bolted shut? I shiver, I must be imagining things. But it does seem suddenly cold. There’s a creak on the floor board behind me, the dog is snarling now , I turn
Positively Arsenal 
ramsey for ballon d’or!
LikeLike
…???!! Will Stew make it? Does he survive and see The mighty Arsenal beat the mid-table team they play on Sunday? Will he ever get to see his team truly tested?! Don’t miss next week’s episode…
A great read and enjoyable as ever Stew. Can’t wait for the next instalment. Thank you X
LikeLike
Inspired writing steww. You are so damn clever, you make me feel tiny! And you really captured the essence of the professional performance it took to get past quality opposition. Good luck with the novel.
LikeLike
Takes a lot to make me laugh before 9 am.
Brilliant stuff Stew.Genius in fact
LikeLike
That’s a great write up, capturing the mood of each moment, every stage of the game before time delivers the convenient benefits of posthumous reflection. The stats and records will tell us it was an unusual game but our eyes saw something remarkable as the match, which seemed to start fairly evenly, clearly ebbed in favour of the Germans before flowing wholly in our favour by the end.
As was remarked upon in commentary, the against-the-run-of-play goal altered the status of both sides as Dortmund appeared to shrink under a rapidly growing Arsenal shadow. Be under no illusion – whilst the hosts could have scored, we too could have just as easily won 0-3.
As Gary Neville memorably stated immediately after the game – “all the questions have been answered” – and none of his lesser co-pundits dared to disagree.
And make no mistake, a storm is brewing and it quite possibly could be a perfect one for the club.
If Arsenal were to replicate the run of form that was delivered following the extraordinary win in Munich last spring, then defeat of United on Sunday could yet prove pivotal. Whilst championships are never truly won pre-Xmas, they can be lost and Sunday represents an almighty opportunity for Arsenal to take down the current unworthy champions in their own backyard.
And that could really happen and not just because some observers believe Southampton will likely provide a sterner test than Moyes’ diving Mancs. The return to fitness of half a squad of players that some gloomy followers revelled in claiming we’d surely never cope without, can only spell further bad news for all our competitors, at home and abroad.
They all had a chance to get ahead of us whilst we were supposedly weakened but they all blew it.
We clearly have confidence and momentum in equal measure but whether that goes into overdrive in January with the acquisition of another big name or two remains to be seen.
I believe we were an RvP away from being champions last year.
I believe we already have a championship-winning grade squad for this year.
A single Ozil-esque capture after Xmas for the frontline would most likely lead others to believe it too. Exceptional results tend to deliver exceptional players so last night’s performance may yet assist us in less obvious ways and Arsene won’t have been hindered in his subsequent efforts to complete the squad.
A win on Sunday will only help to seal a number of deals.
And whilst genuine support for a side always requires understanding and patience, I for one can’t wait.
LikeLike
Good luck with the novel, steww.
This is funny.
LikeLike
Not even half-way through and Steww comes up with this pearler:
“Look at Tomáš go! He left that geezer for dead.”
Ha, Ha, Ha, Haaaaa!
Tomas is the geezer’s geezer.
LikeLike
Now at this point of Steww’s narrative he and I were completely joined at the hip:
“15 to go and I hope we don’t sit too deep for the remainder of the game. I’m a tired old man and I can’t cope with a long siege. My ticker won’t stand it.”
How many gooners heart rate was off the charts at this point?
LikeLike
My lasting image from Steww’s piece is of ‘Per berating the referee like a savage electricity pylon …’
You can’t make stuff like that up.
Unless you’re Steww.
LikeLike
Absolutely brilliant Steww. You did all this while watching the game on a stream. Are you kidding me? I can barely type a tweet while watching.
Arsenal Andrew: This win was a massive shot across the bow of all our competitors in England and Europe. We already have some serious ammunition in our armoury and I am not going to obsess about who we may or may not buy in January. If top,top quality is available I am sure the professor will spenf the fucking money.
LikeLike
Steww,
You might have invented a new format of sport writing. The concept of putting your thoughts down as events happen is great because there is usually too much revisionism in match reports. The end results usually influence how the matches are reported.
Reading your piece made me relive those anxious moments of yesternight. Well done man. I really appreciate it.
The best part of this victory is not the points (although that’s great), it is rather the sense of believe and renewed faith and confidence. Bring on Man Yoo on Sunday.
LikeLike
We are so glad to have you write gems for us again and again Steww.
This review-as-the-game-goes style gives a very good persepective of the game and also takes us along the emotional ride of an Arsenal fan.
I enjoyed watching the game with GP.
We are good.
LikeLike
People talk about Koscielny adding strikers to his pocket. It is true, but how good is Mertesacker?! He picked Lewandowski’s pocket time and again yesterday.
Our CBs are a very good pair, complimenting each other very well.
How stupid do you need to be when you criticise Mertesacker for being slow or saying he has the turning radius of a bus? By that logic Walcott or Cazorla will be excellent centre backs.
LikeLike
Steww you are a phenomenon! What an enjoyable piece, merging your creative writing with your own experience of the match, brilliant!
Early this morning there I am browsing my Arsenal News aggregator and I couldn’t resist the temptation to read Kevin Whitcher’s piece in the On Line Gooner. A good account of every negative aspect or Arsenal’s performance last night. Is his waiting for the ‘inevitable collapse’ so that he can say ‘I told you so’ the evidence was there even in this famous win over Dortmund? I didn’t see an ‘imperious’ Dortmund at the Grove…..What is wrong with these doomers? Does he just want to be proved correct? Can’t they enjoy the moment at least?
LikeLike
PG
My posts have gone missing……Am I in moderation?
LikeLike
Great write up steww.
And great post Arsenalandrew. As for the answers, I don’t think it’s as much about the answers as the questions. We’ve been answering questions for almost a year now. Yet the media keep inventing new questions to fit their narrative. Not good enough defense, lack of mentality, shallow squad, no consistency etc etc until the latest one – still untested, you got to be kidding me, what next?
LikeLike
Once we hit a bad form I’m sure they will just recycle the questions again.
LikeLike
By then it’s important the fans remember what we know and support the team.
LikeLike
Steww you are a phenomenon!
What an enjoyable piece, merging your creative writing with your own experience of the match, brilliant!
Early this morning there I am browsing my Arsenal News aggregator and I couldn’t resist the temptation to read Kevin Whitcher’s piece in the On Line Gooner. A good account of every negative aspect or Arsenal’s performance last night. Is his waiting for the ‘inevitable collapse’ so that he can say ‘I told you so’ the evidence was there even in this famous win over Dortmund? I didn’t see an ‘imperious’ Dortmund at the Grove…..What is wrong with these doomers? Does he just want to be proved correct? Can’t they enjoy the moment at least?
LikeLike
I was reading yesterday how Michael Ballack and Gary Neville had to put up with ‘Arry’s idiot son throwing out the usual bullshit cliches about our defence. According to the person, ‘Arry’s idiot son interrupted his colleagues in order to say that Per was a liability, only for Ballack to tthatanalysat he was a fucking muppet, in no uncertain terms.
LikeLike
Of interest Steww, for such a wondrous piece, is that you have adapted to a style of cricket commentary, played an over at a time with time between balls and overs to write something interesting and funny, to a 90-minute frenetic football match. And that says a lot about the match in itself, as Arsenal dug in against a new-ball onslaught and a tight and aggressive attack where the opposition found both swing and bounce at their home ground, got the measure of conditions, gave very little away, and as so often happens got on top of the attack which wilted as Arsenal gained confidence and found its rhythm.
A wonderful, wonderful, wonderful and famous victory to add to that collection.
LikeLike
How about Olive’s cross into the box which Ramsey almost put away for his second?
LikeLike
“A point should be the ambition for tonight”
That was how Le Grove’s Pedro titled his post ahead of the Dortmund clash, Georgaki. But, then, we’re supposed to be the ones without any ambition and the realists are the ones with the huge balls, even though most if us knew this team was more than capable of beating ze Germans.
LikeLike
Arsenal has little to prove to fans or public in terms of stern tests of discipline and mettle, as if any single setback now might bring this team back to that twilight zone of media fuelled fickle-fan doubt. That boat left dock and sailed, all aboard, its gone fishing, and those who are arriving now are little late. Hopefully, the fans will enjoy every single minute and cheer wildly just seeing the team run onto the pitch.
I do love how Arsenal returned the compliment to Dortmund, no we will visit you next and bring a few unexpected gifts, as you so kindly did when visiting us.
Henceforth it’s a battle of wills, one game at a time, and the team needs to come down from the high, rest and settle itself for the next. The third in this little series of epic encounters looks to be engrossing, and we have business to attend to.
LikeLike
Did anyone see Koscielny jumping up and down after the game? I heard he was pumped because he was able to get Lewandowski in his Panini collection.
LikeLike
Although twists to come we now have slight advantage, our run in is a little kinder than Napoli’s (who must face us and Dortmund) while Dortmund find themselves 3 points adrift. Still, any two of three can still qualify.
LikeLike
Jamie Redknapp wouldn’t last 5 min in a pub discussion. A classic example of society promoting mediocrity. I’m not an elitist by any means but when I see a person on TV with an audience of millions I want that person to have something valuable to contribute with.
On another note, am I the only one who thinks Ozil works really hard for the team. I keep seeing him making those long runs to get into position for a pass and make equal long runs back to recover balls.
LikeLike
Gainsbourg69
November 7, 2013 at 11:22 am
that site should be shut down and all the wankers who ever opened their mouths against Arsene Wenger should fucking ‘die’ …. all them amateur tosspots irrespective of age or status who thought of themselves as fit and capable to offer opinion on Arsene fucking Wenger. We had to endure hansens and rednapps in our ranks for way too long….fuck them all! yeah! ARSENAL..ARSENAL ARSENAL….
LikeLike
“the incomptence of the summer…questions need to be asked” – fuck you yogi
“who is there to challenge wenger on football decissions” -fuck you bill
“ramsey is not good enough” – fuck you jonjon
all these twats have lost their right/privilege to comment on Arsenal…..fuck you tony admas…fuck you robson..fuck you ian wright ..fuck you emanuel petit!!!!
fuck you pedro.fuck you online gooner…fuck you all ..you dont deserve Arsene Wenger or this Arsenal
back in your caves to drool over corrupt scotsmen playign neanderthal football…..you fuckity fucking fucks.
i am healthy again …thank fuck!
LikeLike
I’m confused.
Did the era end, or … ? I mean it was done and dusted right?
Seems an awful lot of familiar before-end-of-era faces for a post-end-of-era era.
LikeLike
sorry i just wanted to say those things….
LikeLike
Are you serious? No!!!! Was it really old-man perma-crock Rosicky orchestrating midfield, thought he had been sent to Turkey or Greece something. No, couldn’t be average-Ramsey, he was loaned out, surely, was it, his brother maybe? Now you’re kidding me, the overrated Chewie, never!? Still around? Commanding in goal you say! And Mr. decent but never quite made it at the top bit of a panic buy is this really Cesc’s replacement mid-table Arteta? That Arteta? You’re not serious. What about Gibbs, never know how long he’s going to fit Gibbs, same Gibbs? You are shitting me. OK, but new broom made sense of it all, hey? Let me guess. Pep? You cannot tell me the old bastard Arsene? I need a drink. Aw, now you are making me out a bit like I made it up. Nic Bendtner came on, Bendtner? Bendtner? Same chap? Bendtner? And there was an 18-year old on the bench? And what about the laughable German giraffe with the turning circle of an aircraft carrier who couldn’t adapt to EPL top tier, he’s gone I take it. He has! No? Yes? No? No! Fuck a duck man. I need another drink. It’s surreal.
LikeLike
I think someone should boo Pedro while he writes his bullshit posts. That’s the dude I hate the most. Yogi doesn’t reach a quarter of the people those cunts do.
LikeLike
It’s like an alternative universe.
LikeLike
And to think Rosicky was relegated to deadwood status by some stupid bastards.
Lewandowski? Other than putting four goals past a shit Mourinho team, I don’t get all the hype. He’s a fickle fan’s idea of what a good striker is supposed to be. And if some idiots are going to use Giroud’s current scoring form as a gauge for his quality, they shouldn’t ignore his role in a team that is scoring for fun at the moment.
LikeLike
Or somebody up there has the most wonderful sense of humour!
LikeLike
I must admit I was wrong for suggesting Per wouldn’t be as effective as Vermaelen against Suarez. I will never make that mistake again.
LikeLike
Great fun Steww, thank you.
–
A punt upfield by the ‘keeper*, a winning tackle from our favourite rock and roll superstar, the quick exchange with Ramsey. And then the the fates smiled for once upon Rozzer as the ball rebounded off the unfortunate replacement for Hummels, and given a second chance (heh!) that he wasn’t going to let pass, he passed with perfect pace to the lurking Özil (in stealth mode again). They didn’t gift him the winning goal but Rosicky seemed happy enough as Ramsey scored.
*Thats right boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen. AW doesn’t do tactics. Stubborn. stuck in his ways. only plays one way. The end is nigh. Lock up your footballs, protect them from deflation by the continental tippy tappy foot in mouth virus. Forget that Özil mentioned Arsenal’s famous (through the years) one touch fast attacking game on arrival. Forget it all!
So I’m just going to shut my eyes and ignore why this current passing team loves to mix it up and keep the press at arms length when required (like last night!) with longer passes to Giroud or Sagna. It’s only been an obvious and occasionally annoying tactic since before Giroud was signed! Doh.
LikeLike
Steady on Hunter,they were just asking legitimate questions.
Oh and offering their educated advice,
Luckily Arsene listened to them and all is now well.
LikeLike
Hunter
you forgot Michael Owen, Robbie Savage, Alan Hansen, Alan Shearer, Gary Nevil and Gary Linekar.
A really big fuck-you-all to them.
LikeLike
Gainsbourg69
November 7, 2013 at 12:08 pm
I disagree…not only was he 100% in favour of questioning and even removing Wenger, he also facilitated a place where Wenger would be openly questioned about EVERYTHING in his managerial/coaching repertoire giving a voice to scum commentators who are no different to pierce morgan.. and the worst part? he banned everyone who had a different opinion to them classless cunts who had nothing but scorn and spite to say to our players and manager. what pissed me off the most was their attitude that Arsenal was a big club before Wenger and that Wenger was takign their “beloved” club backwards…what a load of bollocks…… as well as the pathetic pseudo-historical and pseudo-intellectual revisionism and outrageous claims about the greatness of pre war arsenal….typical “chip on shoulder” BS…..
LikeLike
PG
numbers are dwindling over there, and this place is getting more and more readers.
You must be on to something?
Having Steww, Andrew and Bradyesque write posts is brilliant.
and all the others too.
LikeLike
the only difference i see between pedros and yogis is that the first one would also allow abuse towards wenger to go unhindered whrre as yogis shed of useless of twats would simplynot use the c word…the concept of doubting and questioning and asking for change was the SAME in both.
LikeLike
The end of era era imploded.
LikeLike
Hunter
You point is well made and noted, but please put the axe away until next May.
I’ll help you set up the guillotine outside the Armoury for all the negativistas. 🙂
A reckoning is indeed due to the gobshittes who wanted to hound out Wenger.
Let’s live in the moment today,2 big scalps cut down this week.
One more on Sunday. Let’s have a perfect week!
LikeLike
THE END OF ERA for all those muppets who got inspired by Wenger’s Arsenal to write blogs and spent half their years doubting and questioning the great Arsene.
LikeLike
Fantastic Stew,last nights performance is another nail in the coffin for the doomers,it’s amazing how many have gone to ground or stupid enough to claim their mistrust & criticism of this team and manager has been the reason for its success-and they said we buried our heads in the sand!
LikeLike
ditto DC…but i have spent years telling these twtas to chill out and be patient…when we click we rule….when we have to deal with stadiums and cunts smashing our players legs, our youngsters inexperience and the whole hostility this club had to endure from media and fans it takes some TWAT to go against wenger and what we have done or been through the last decade. …lets take rooneys wig and shove it up robin;s arse.
LikeLike
My word Hunter, calm down man. I would have thought you are still in some pain after that load of invective……A modern day Alexander slaying the Greek prisoners of war in Asia Minor for fighting on the side of the Persians…..phew!
Did any one read Cascarino’s piece in the Times today “Bould Adds Defensive Belligerence to Arsenal”….It’s all down to Bould……Where have we heard that before?
LikeLike
gains
pedro is consistent, yogi is not. yogi decieved many of us, claiming to be what he’s not for a long time. he is like a sapent to me.
LikeLike