We haven’t heard from our dear friend Frank for quite a while now.He is most likely doing the Grand Tour of Europe on Lady Nina,but wherever he is,he has my best wishes and I hope he knows how much we miss him.
Anyway,here is an old post from him that reminds us of his genius.
Frank looks back, more in sorrow than in anger, to re-tell a chilling tale of a long-lost summer of love, a terrible betrayal and lots of super furry animals.
I was mugged in Seven Sisters.
To be accurate I was attacked in Seven Sisters since nothing was stolen.
Cold bloodedly gratuitously attacked. A summer afternoon several decades ago spent with a friend and I was heading home to Tufnell Park. It was an early evening in July but I could hardly see as I turned into the tunnel heading for the tube, eating sausage and chips. Out of nowhere something hit me on the back of the head and just as I turned, a fist hit me in the mouth. I fell to the ground in a daze and the protagonists proceeded to kick the living shit out of me.
There was a lot a ‘fackin this’ and ‘kantin that’ as the boots went in and afterwards just the sound of nasal snickering. Before I passed out I caught a glimpse of two of them. One in white trousers and a bowler hat with ‘Tottenham Droogies’ written across the back. The other had calf-length faded jeans, docs, white tee shirt, braces …. and a tattoo on his forearm.
A tattoo of a cock and ball.
I must have been out for a while because when I woke up, the ends of the tunnel were dark. The reek of urine and unwashed bodies was only just bearable. I was surrounded by squashed chips and, nestling in the gutter by the wall with not a bite out of it, was my sausage. My head hurt like hell, split lip, bumps and bruises all over but I seemed to be OK.
I’d got away with it.
Could have been killed. Could have been maimed or paralyzed for life. Thankfully I had done what most blokes who are being kicked in the head do, I protected my privates. Death is preferable to castration.
I had survived.
Slowly I got up. I just wanted to get home. Brushed off the fag ends, chewing gum, dog shit. Stretched out my arms and then my legs, moved my head from side to side. Tested my aching bones. Nothing broken. Lets go home, Frank. Then someone behind me coughed.
I spun round afraid that they had come back to finish me off.
But there standing in front of me was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had on an ankle length yellow dress and sandals. She had long, long tresses of red hair and her smile was extraordinary; it could fill a room, or, in this case, a tunnel. Her smell was intoxicating and as she touched my face with her hand I just knew that she was an angel.
I was dead and on my way to heaven.
She asked me if I was okay. She asked me if I was in pain. She asked if there was anything she could do for me … and before I could answer she passed me her guinea pig and started mopping my brow.
Guinea pig?
What the fuck?
She gave me a guinea pig? Well yes she did. She handed me her guinea pig. Cleaned me up. Took her guinea pig back. Held my hand and took me to Tufnell Park.
That is how I met Maude.
Oh Maude, Maude, Maude – you were perfect. She took me home to my apartment and stayed for three weeks. What a three weeks!
Idyllic.
Walking on the Heath. Drinking in The Flask in Highgate. Strolling through Waterlow Park. Saying “hello” to Karl Marx. Wearing each others’ clothes.
Actually she wore mine, I didn’t wear hers, I really didn’t. Getting drunk together on Grand Marnier and sick together afterwards. Listening to a friend play folk songs outside the Admiral Mann. I even started to read poetry, although it didn’t last. Mostly though, we just made love. Anywhere and everywhere.
In that time I was treated to a parade of animals.
Guinea pigs, rats, hamsters, geckos, turtles, tortoises, parrots, budgies, kittens, puppies, fish, snakes, you name it.
Every day she would disappear for a few hours and return with different animals. Only on Sundays would she return without an animal and on Sunday evenings she was always very tired. The explanation turned out to be a bit crazy but I could deal with it. She let on that she was into animal liberation and spent much of her time nicking animals from pet shops and domestic animal stockists.
Her aim in life was to free them all.
Create an animal utopia where they could all live free from human bondage. How she managed to get plastic bags of tropical fish and a twelve foot python out of a shop without anyone noticing I have no idea. But she did it. Insane of course, and I loved her all the more for it. We were madly, stupidly, giddily happy.
Until that fateful day in early August.
So far we had lived in my flat. It was OK. But I was getting more and more curious. Where did she live? How long? What was it like? Was she sure that she was not using the animals as a cover for her sneaking back to a long time live-in partner or husband?
Joke, sort of. What was she hiding?
After much cajoling on my part she finally agreed that we could stay at her place. She lived in a flat on the first floor of a Victorian house on the A10 near to the junction with Clapton Common. She had been on her way home when she found me in the tunnel.
So off we went.
We spent a pleasant few hours in the Spaniards’ Inn and went to a party with friends in Stoke Newington. Caught a taxi to hers. Let ourselves in.
Her living room was full of no-longer-soon-to-be-pets.
It was smelly and it was noisy, but she cleared a space and we sat and drank tea and chatted amongst the boxes, cages, baskets and tanks. Finally we fell into bed exhausted. The following day was Monday and neither of us needed to get up early. We were very soon fast asleep in each others arms.
We awoke on Monday morning refreshed. She made cups of tea and brought them back to bed. Gradually we began to get interested, the way you do.
We kissed and cuddled …
Then Maude whispered that she would like to make love in daylight amongst the trees and birdsong. Her garden was beautiful at this time of year, she said. She asked me to open the curtains and open the window.
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
About as excited as I have ever been in my life I leapt out of bed, hopped to the almost full-length sash window and threw open the red velvet curtains to let the sun in …
The No 149 bus route has been transporting the residents of that area to the City for many years and I believe that it still does to this day.
In the days of the old Routemasters, in the rush hour the bottom deck was crammed full of people, many standing and some dangling from the platform at the back. Upstairs was calmer and those fortunate enough to get a seat were able to read the paper or a book, do the crossword, do the Pools, knit, or in most cases just sit and watch the world go by. There are a number of points on that journey where the bus comes to a standstill for quite a while as the traffic gets well and truly jammed.
One particular point is just outside Maude’s flat.
The floor of the top deck on those buses is roughly about the level of the first floor of that particular block of houses, and the windows of the bus are about six feet from the residents’ windows. You can see awful lot from the top of that bus and on that day passengers had a real treat.
As the curtains opened they were greeted with … think of Leonardo’s Study of Human Proportions according to Vitruvius.
But weedier and in a state of arousal.
For my own part I just remember seeing an endless stream of tickets coming out of the Clippie’s machine and thinking thank goodness they can’t see my feet because I’ve still got my socks on. I turned to shout at Maude for setting me up, and as I did so I noticed something. Something very serious indeed. Something which caused me to shut out the embarrassment of the last few seconds completely. I couldn’t believe it. I froze. The blood drained from my face and obviously from other places.
The bottom fell completely out of my world.
In the lower right hand corner of the window was a sticker. Not a very big one, about the size of a bob-a-job sticker. But this particular sticker had a motif on it. A dreadful symbol.
A cock and ball.
We just hadn’t discussed football. People had the summer off in those days. No transfer activity. I turned to her and just shouted “TOTTENHAM” at her at the top of my voice. At first she completely misunderstood and she laughed and shouted: “YES. YOU TOO …?”.
But before she could finish, she realised.
It was probably me screaming “YOU ARE A FUCKING SPUD” that gave it away. Her beautiful face contorted into an ugly grimace and in a vicious whisper she spat “Arsenal. You are a fucking Gunner? You bastard”.
I couldn’t stay.
I needed air. I grabbed my clothes, putting them on as I scrambled through the menagerie in the living room. I got to the front door and slammed it to, shutting out the cacophony behind me. I headed for a café on the corner of the block, ordered coffee and just sat in a window seat sipping and smoking. I half expected her to follow and to be honest I half hoped that she would.
But I realised it was over.
I could take the pet rustling and I could even take being humiliated in front of a bus full of people but I could not take the fact that she was a SPUD. That could never work.
But that was not quite the end of it.
As I sipped my third coffee, having smoked half a pack of cigarettes, two panda cars and a police van arrived at her flat. Maude was led out in handcuffs and for the next hour policemen loaded the back of the van with her contraband, Noah’s Ark fashion. I felt bad about that at the time as I watched her driven away in the back of the police car it seemed unjust that she should go down for stealing animals when she had such good if not misguided intentions. It turned out in court about six weeks later though, that every Sunday she ran a pet stall on Club Row.
She had been nicking pets and flogging them on. She also stole them to order.
I will always remember Maude though and if I ever meet her again, which is very unlikely, I know exactly what I will say to her……………
“CARMON ARSENAL CARMON ARSENAL CARMON ARSENAL
ARSENAL, ARSENAL, ARSENAL….ARSENAL, ARSENAL, ARSENAAAAL…ARSENAL, ARSENAL, ARSENAL….ARSENAL….ARSENAL”
Positively Arsenal 
Come back Frank, we love you.
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What a tale! Best part for me was “YOU ARE A FUCKING SPUD”!………..just classic!
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Away from the window of madness a bit of sanity
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Enjoyed that as much as the first time I read it way back when?
Anyone noticed the increased frequency of doomer comments with increased delay in making any signings, let alone big money ones?
Myles Palmer is having a field day posting comments from some very grumpy ‘gooners’. Some of them even think that AFC are more ‘immoral’ than Abramovich and the Arab dictators…..It’s just as well that I’m busy with this extended Fourier Amplitude Sensitivity Test that is driving me nuts…..Because, well….who knows….
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I don’t know if a Fourier Amplitude Sensitivity Test requires a Voight-Kampff machine, but it sounds like it should!
Zimpaul described Frank’s comments on The Arsenal so well the other day. Better then I could.
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Lovely article Frank. I suspect that screwing a spudette (even by accident) is a bloody sight easier than applying one’s mind to :
Fourier amplitude sensitivity testing (FAST); a variance-based global sensitivity analysis method. The sensitivity value is defined based on conditional variances which indicate the individual or joint effects of the uncertain inputs on the output.
G-K when you have the answer, send it to Arsene. I’m sure it must have application in the transfer market!
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Must admit I assumed Frank had taken time out to turn the above into a film script – maybe a Channel 4 special!
Splendid stuff!
In a very good mood this evening as a customer has just given me a ticket for the Surrey v Middlesex T20 at Lords tomorrow – one of my favourite places to be of an English summer!
Go Surrey!!!
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Cricket! That’s exciting.
This is a link for G69: a must watch before (or after) your first cricket match. A film produced in London by people who fell in love with a team from far away that they did not originally support.
Towards the end of the Windies reign the one bouncer per over law was introduced (by England & Australia) : )
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Ooops this was the movie trailer:
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Thanks for the video finsbury. I think that reign of West Indies was the golden era of cricket. The early 2000s were good too. As a fan of cricket, looking at that batting lineup and bowling line up was mouthwatering. Any opposition would have nightmares about that kind of opposition. The race issue also made the total domination of the West Indies all the more sweeter. England and Australia had their asses handed to them. Now, cricket is so commercial and corrupt and over killed that I have stopped watching the sport altogether.
That reminds me. I should join some club nearby.
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Gf60
Sounds like you could explain what it all means to me….I just press the button….
Anyway, I’m succombing to the angry zeitgeist……why haven’t we made a big money signing yet? Has Higuain signed for Napoli yet?
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Loved this the first time around and enjoyed it again.
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Love it Fins
Last night I was trapped in by car and listened to a Bbc 5 Live interview of Jeff Thomson and Merv Hughes by Flintoff – was about an hour – about fast bowling , cricket, sport, life
Thomson is absolutely brilliant – as good talking – as honest – as diabolically penetrating as he was with the ball – listen to him and understand what it was/is to wear the green cap
If you can hear it on iPlayer get it – it is brilliant
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Hah. My favorite pub in Santa Monica is the COCK&BULL.
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Glad to see all is calm on here folks.
It’s freakin goonermegdon on other blogs.
These people need to calm down.
I’m taking medication.
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Coll,had Thommo in the cab a couple of years ago,(he spends most summers here ashes or no ashes)a good bloke,typical Aussie-straight talking. I asked when he knew he was good enough to play for Austrailia-he said he knew he was good enough to play for em at 16 but had to wait cos there was even snobbery in Oz when it came to a surfer dude not looking the part!-surprisingly also told me he hates watching cricket and would much rather be fishing or playing golf but makes his living entertaining people around the game and talking about it,I’ve got the 5live piece your on about on podcast-I’ll definitely give it a listen,and he tipped-which for an Aussie is unusual!
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Podcast ! I’ll get that – worth a second hearing
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Goodness ,what the heck is going on. AW must really see something in this Suarez guy.
I watched Bernardo playing for CAM against Olympia today . He had a good game with one assist. Also picked up a groain injury towards the end. MEINERO being 2-0 down from the first leg won the second leg 2-0 to send the game to extra time and then won on penalty kicks. I think I saw GILBERTO at the cup presentation. Now guardiola and ronaldinho will be reunited when Bayern meet mieniro at the world club cup.
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I was right. GILBERTO is with CAM and just picked up his medal as south American club champion. Yeepee.
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‘Coll,
Will do. I think that was after the Tufnell & Vaughen show which I caught the start of. Always interesting to hear M.Vaughen talk about good management in the current England set up compared to the dark ages…
…here’s a slightly random link from the Bleeb, no need to mention the Spanish and German FA’s scaling up the Dutch Method (no John Henry, that does not include a cellar somewhere full of Dalglish Homegrown!):
“A Dutch fitness coach brands the training methods of Manchester United manager David Moyes as ‘Jurassic Park’.
Former Wales assistant manager Raymond Verheijen used Twitter to vent his anger after Netherlands striker Robin van Persie was taken off in United’s 3-2 defeat to Yokohama F Marinos on Tuesday with a tight thigh.
Moyes described it as a precaution, but Verheijen blamed the Scot for overworking the striker. He wrote on Twitter: “In Sydney Moyes said: ‘We’ve overtrained Robin this week to build up his fitness’. [In Japan] he picked up muscle injury. It really makes you wonder how these prehistoric training methods can still take place at the highest level.”
Heh.
–
A&B
Join that club!
It is hard not to be cynical when teams were playing one day games in front of empty stadia days after the ICC final. The TV companies don’t care about fans, in any sport (try as I do I can’t blame Arsene). And it’s best not to think about the betting.
When news came out yesterday that the FA are hiring the kind of PIs that work for banks to track down clubs and pubs broadcasting football games (in small numbers) my reaction was: “They haven’t been doing this already?”
Like I said. I blame AFC. For, I dunno, giving away 3000+ season tickets to local residents for life after the stadium move. A story that has been completely airbrushed out of the WOBs misery propaganda – a revealing omission. What is even more interesting is that a man in a pie shop (in truth we were in the kitchen, they’d run out everything on the stall except tatties *sniffs* ) told me that not all of the available tickets were taken by those who could apply. Alas, idiots like me were abroad at the time *sobs*.
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Classic tale…by a brilliant RASER.
If Bernard does sign up, that makes 2 new guns who won silverware over the summer.
Once tasted, they say you want more.
Cannibal should be a galactico by this time next week.
Should give us some respite for a few hours.
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Morning folks
Lovely piece of Moyes bashing in today’s Telegraph..
‘Jurrssic park coaching, fitness clowns & scientific cowboys’ from the badger’s Dutch fitness coach.
In fairness, old Grecian 2000 is long overdue an injury, and clueless Moyles looks like he is going to help it happen.
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Oops sorry fins,
Missed your post this morning.
Also, I recall the tickets for the ‘locals’ was a planning condition from Islington council.
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Is Myles Palmer actually for real? Has definately been a weird one for some time now…
He says AW needs to sign Suarez to save his job? Really? nothing to do with more money being available as more lucrative commercial deals come into play?
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DC,
A condition? More like a bribe! A good one. : )
Upon reflection I prefer that to the club being gifted a stadium by the local authority.
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Myles Palmer is just another goal post shifting, well, whatever expletive takes your fancy really. His personal bitterness towards Arsene has long tainted everything he says (like that Robson tool). With the news of any imminent “big signings” he has to hastily redraw the battles lines.
Arsene said, quite clearly, that the money was now there, to be more competitive, at least in the short term. This is what he has been patiently working towards, keeping us amongst the big boys until this time arose. It doesn’t mean a radical re-think of the way club operates. It just means that now we can pursue the kind talent in the transfer window, which before, was out of our reach. Seems to me he’s proving true to his word. It doesn’t mean it will all go according to plan. It’s strange new territory for all of us.
Of course that doesn’t fit with Pyles and co and their on-going narrative, that it was only ever about the profits, that he would never spend any money etc etc etc ad nauseum. So they have to say he is desperate, or his hand is being forced yadda yadda yadda.
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Coll & Fins- it’s under ‘Ashes’ on iTunes-loads of good stuff on there-the Flintoff interview with the bowlers from the 05 one is fantastic- swerve the Pietersen one though (great player but a knob).
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Speaking of knobs, myles Palmer is a knob,but we all knew that.
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ah thank god..was the site down the last three days or has my pc lost it ?
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Lost it
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gotta laugh at f365 and the division a potential suarez transfer will cause to our fans….. gotta laugh too at all them mugs setting ultimatums to wenger for not getting higuain…i mena th eguy is in japan ffs and gets blamed for negos conducted in europe/cont/uk….also gotta laugh at all them “fans” and thier sensitivities over the evil “racist” suarez….lets all grow up please and agree on one thing…c-()nts get what they deserve. yes?ok now…evra is on. agree?
it might never happen…to see killer luis killing in the name of arsenal, shooting and gunning down the terries the cechs the rios and the degeas and the various others in europe but for gods sake whats the matter with this character assasination on the lad?
geooooorge ! how would oratio aldger handle this?
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True, George, (from previous post), I should have said your terse suggestion? But the point was that I hoped it would bring out further discussion and analysis. Good discussion on the subject of our midfield ensued. i agree with those who have been thoroughly pleased with Ramsay’s continued development. Like Fins, I appreciated the physicality of Song, ability to hold players off through strength and find a player to pass to–helped keep possession. With injured LB and left-footed CB/emergency LB, I think someone like Gustavo would be very helpful to the team as DM who has played CB for Bayern (line Song coyld do in a pinch for us) and came up as a LB. quality Brazilian international who seems available now that Martinez and Alcantara are in the Bayern central midfield with Schweinsteiger. I’d be curious to hear Gainsbourg’s views on this player since he watches lots of South American footie–he seemed solid but unspectacular to my eye at Confed Cup, but I was impressed a couple years ago with his performances in Europe.
Great archived story from Frank.
Is everyone in a bunker waiting out the window? Probably wise–I’ve spent enough time on the current controversy of the day.
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got it Mel and there are a few others under their 5LSpecials podcasts
I can listen to cricketers rabbit on all day long
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Great stuff. Thanks for posting. Frank is a genius. Hope we see him again soon.
LA
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Limestone
Being the expert that I am it was about two or three seasons after the 07/08 squad impressed when I realised that squad had an impact of sorts on the 433 trends that have become more and more fashionable amongst the other coaches. And the starting midfield for that team was composed from the F Word, Master Rosicky and the Flamster. No big un’s. I’m not sure it matters. And that doesn’t diminish any appreciation of various players and their different attributes.
As for the Window, I’m more into the Summer, no need for any bunker. It is worth remembering that Arsenal’s last few negotiations (going and coming) with gas/oil clubs or the two sillies from Spain have been so excruciatingly boring that many lost interest in what stories which agents or clubs were feeding to whatever contacts in various media very early on in the process.
I’m more interested in seeing if Walcott and Chambo continue to develop their combinations. Exciting stuff! I suppose the much maligned coaching staff deserve some credit for the six month D-Fensive crash course for the rookie immediately after his arrival which enabled him to perform as has for both club and country.
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Indeed, it was a breath of fresh air to watch some Arsenal football today, especially as it was a stronger opponent. I think Miquel worked hard but is more comfortable at CB, but he’s getting lots of time at LB given injuries. Great to see Kos was back as that would have been a big weakness to our back line with Vermaelen on a longer term injury. Seemed very competitive and things got a bit testy, very “unfriendly”! And that was good for the team to have to step it up a bit. I think the Ox is still more effective on the wings or maybe AM, but good apprenticeship for him deeper. Random impressions but the team overall seems to be progressing well in its early preparation. And is just great to watch some genuine football, which this game seemed to represent more than the earliest matches.
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Moyles being made to look like an utter fool again…
Spuds can’t afford a £25m striker.
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So no angst ridden hypocritical debates about Suarez on PA. Thank heavens. Leave the boss to do what is right for the club, I say. Back to Twitter then.
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Maybe George, you are saving a post soon for Arsene’s
Much quoted interview on the squad and transfers?
PA folks have been saying much the same as himself, the current team is good enough.
It’s causing a freaking meltdown in the goonerverse though.
my only quibble is that we are bit low in numbers, if we get more injuries to key players.
However, we can easily pick up Caesar, Williams and McCarthy next month, with change to spare, and if any of you folks don’t fancy that trio there a a zillion other combinations out there to choose from. I not much worried about players for these positions.
The only position where it seems to be a sellers market this summer is for strikers. PSG and Monoaco have polluted the normal market by paying WAY TOO MUCH for their targets and that cash has fed into every one else’s expectations.
There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of choosing for a 25 goal a season finisher, especially with big league experience.
So we seem to be stuck with the Evil of two lessors:
Shrek or Donkey.
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love wengers commments really do. we can challenge without suarez. yes. i love luis. i want him but olivier and some others were making too much noise. i dont want team to think we rely on one person, even if i buy him. the fans are going hysterical too, and the media. i have to cool all of them down. plus help ivan who has isnt helping to lower the price with his “we can excite you” comments. never let them know your cards ivan. stupid . lesson learned. now media is in check, dressing room is in check and henry is in check too smoking on his own and luis will press liverpool to release him.. one statement for all. le boss
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Hunter
It’s going to be a bit unpleasant for Ivan at the emirates cup next week unless he gets in some transfers he was boasting about. “spend the fracking money” as the noisy part of the fans will be chanting.
I don’t think we need to panic, but FFS nearly everyone else except PA is.
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hey dc whats up ? hope everything well. yeah fans…what can you do?…. id call myself obsessive with arsenal too but my psychology doesnt depend on transfers or wins/losses THAT much. i swear sometimes its liek some people are just waiting in the corner to assault ” oh you said youd do that what happened”…such aggression …instead of all them feeling cool and safe we have wenger to take care of things they act as if wenger and co have something to prove to us or else…
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the last seven to eight years we are competing with the top three teams of the epl,,, all three richer than us and sometimes we even went for it…and there are still clueless fans around insisting that competing for top four isnt good enough for a club like arsenal…as if arsenal deserves better ( historically) hehe..as if we are ac milan you know….or one of them who have to go for the title EVERY year. i even read somewhwere that other clubs who have build their own stadium and paid for it through their own means have done it in better style than us…i asked who ..and they told me bayern munich whose stadium was built by munich council and allianz..ha!….and we still have the revisionists bnps around who still worship neanderthal eras and crooks…YO JAPAN…thats appreciation. respect.
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The team, at present, is strong enough to challenge. Our first 11 is good enough for any team, we have proven as much when we beat Bayern away 2:0. I only fear for our squad depth. An injury to Giroud and our forward options look mighty limited.
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” they lied to us”
lol… the teachers lied too..and the parents…and the university lecturers professors….and the politicians…. doctors lied to us …leaders lied to us they all lied to us when we were young…see anyone kicking up a fuss like they do for the manager and stuff?.
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true evil but if we keep tyo and he plays left..then..maybe lukas moves central attack(??)…admitedly he didnt set the world alight in the last three games he played centrtal for us even thugh he got the gals and assists…efficient these germans….audi ..love em..wenger will win it again unbeaten with germans and the cannibal…cant fkn wait. take that rooney and rio lovers..take that rednapp lovers..hehe..
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i meant Ryo! Arsene Knows Fullstop.
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Evil
The fucking whingers are now saying competing in the top 4 a’int good enough.
only winning every trophy every season is good enough for them.
the bar has been raised, the goal posts shifted, there is nothing Uncle Wenger can do that is good enough for them.
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Hello Hunter
You been giving da weed to Ivan??
your posts are a bit stream of consciousness…..ahem.
Great to see Dortmund getting some revenge against Bayern.
Come on Klopp, get some more revenge in and send us Lewandowski, you know it makes sense. BvD can’t have the fucker sulking on the bench all season waiting out his Bosman, and the fans will go apeshit, they will want to rip him apart. and Rightly so.
Its a pity AFC didn’t have the balls to see it through in similar circumstances, only Chelsea could afford to see the likes of Essian sent to the reserves for a whole year.
But we should have done it to old Grecian 2000.
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I’m in moderation quarantine hunter.
it’s either my laptop IP being different, or else George has finally lost patience with me.
if George shows up, I’ll continue on Sunday.
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